OAKEY YOUNG, CUTE, LITTLE

Boston, MA (AP): We’ve all used corny pick up lines before. We’ve all gone up to the door and knocked, impatiently and nervously waiting to meet her mom for the first time. As the door opens, we say, “You must be Jane’s sister,” in hopes of earning her likings right then and there for making her feel young. Well sometimes, that doesn’t always work as planned.

When Ali Pellerin first rolled up to Carrie Oakey’s apartment in Boston, she knocked on the door, and Stamford Branch answered. “You must be Carrie’s roommate,” Pellerin anxiously said to what she thought was Carrie’s father. “Yup, come on in,” Branch answered, confusing the deuce out of Ali.

“I honestly thought it was his dad,” Ali replied, when asked what she thought of Patch. “I guess what I said turned out to be true, even though I was trying to flatter him.”

“Carrie looks so young and cute,” admits long time friend Luther Brewster. “Her and I share the same appetite…that of a nine year old. Pizza, chicken fingers, and soup! She’s so cute!”

“I grew up with her, so I’m aware that she’s my age,” says Rufus Feldmore, “but if I didn’t know her, there’s no way I’d think she would be old enough to drive. I bet she still get ID’ed at rated R movies,” says Feldmore with a chuckle. “I remember I used to bring the ladies to movies back when I was twelve years old, and they never checked my ID. She’s just so little and cute, I love it!”

“Patch could definitely pass as his dad,” admits Otis Sanderson. “Patch works with kids, so he must love them. I wouldn’t be surprised if strangers called the cops on him if they ever saw Patch and Carrie buying beer together. It’d be kinda funny if he got arrested for serving a minor though,” giggles Sanderson.

“It was kinda funny,” states Oakey. “We went to TGIF’s once for dinner, and the waitress brought him out a senior citizens’ menu,” says a hysterical Oakey, barely able to breathe. “Then, as we were leaving, the hostess asked Stamford if he wanted a lollipop, which he kindly rejected, but then she asked him if his daughter would like one,” say Oakey, completely bent over, unable to control her laughter. “The best part is, he flipped out on the poor girl, and the manager had to come escort him out!” Oakey is now on his hands and knees, inhaling, taking deep breaths as if he just finished a marathon.

Though just a couple years apart in age, they are a complete generation apart in appearance. Oakey is full of energy, full of hair, cute, very personable, and has an amazing laugh. Patch gets very fired up too, has a sweet laugh, would do anything for anyone, and is a phenomenal wingman. What he has excess of in age, unfortunately, he lacks in hair.

Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson

SANDERSON DELIVERS CHEER, BEER

Plattsburgh, NY – In the olden days, he was referred to as Saint Nicholas, or St. Nick. In French, he’s referred to as Papa Noel. In modern day English, he’s referred to as Santa Claus. In Plattsburgh, he’s referred to as Otis Sanderson.

High school Key Club star and Modified Bowling “extra” Otis Sanderson has recently filled a position in the Champlain Centre North mall in Plattsburgh, NY as the big ole jolly good fella. Although he applied last year, and was told that “the position has been filled,” there was no St. Nick in Plattsburgh last year. “It’s unacceptable,” cries Sanderson. “This is about the kids. They need to see him to believe in him. Something’s going to have to change this year.” And Sanderson’s determination was enough to bring the father of Christmas back to the ‘burgh. “They flat out lied to me last year, and the kids didn’t get to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what they wanted. I had to make a stand this year,” says Sanderson, with a big grin on his face. “It’s not about me. It’s about bringing joy to the faces of the youth of our community,” he replies.

“We all know he’s just doing it to get little girls to sit on his lap,” replies Luther Brewster. “I’m not sure if he’s trying to get the kids or the moms, but I know that’s why he’s spending his afternoons volunteering to be Santa. He did do Key Club, so there’s that slight possibility it made an impact on him and he still wants to give something back, but I’m pretty sure it’s just to have girls sit on his lap.”

“Maybe he just wants to be in all the pictures,” suggests long time friend, Rufus Feldmore. “I mean, he was Waldo for Halloween, so he was in all kinds of pictures then. Maybe he just has a weird thing or obsession in being in as many pictures as he can? I know I used to have my picture taken with Santa, and with the technology of today, cameras can do wondrous things. I bet he just wants to be tagged on facebook in random people’s pictures.”

“I don’t know,” says naïve, little Carrie Oakey, “he does seem to have a lot of Christmas spirit. I recall many times on the cruise when we’d walk by a bunch of girls and he’d whisper to me, ‘ho, ho, ho,’ and that wasn’t even in December! Also, I think he really likes elves, cuz he likes his girls flat and young, and I’ve never seen a busty elf before.”

When asked what he’d like from his good friend Otis “Santa” Sanderson for Christmas, Yashur al Fuqur replied, “A bottle of Captain, some J.D., a bottle of Jager, another handle of Jack, and some Bud Light.” “Gee, how’d I guess?” replied a dry, sarcastic, unenthused Santa.

When asked what he’d like from his good friend Otis “Santa” Sanderson for Christmas, Stamford Branch replied, “I’d like a date,” accompanied by a wink. “Or maybe a heart to give to my date.” Santa took it the wrong way, and thought Patch meant a date with him. “What do I look like, the Wizard of Oz,” shouts Sanderson angrily at Patch, who’s now shaking trying to hold back tears. “F---! Grow some nuts, get your own date, and don’t ever talk to me again!”

Sanderson was fired for his sudden outburst during which he made one of his customer’s, Patch, cry. For three and a half hours, Sanderson was on top of the world. He enjoyed his reign as Santa so much that he claims he’ll continue to spread cheer and joy, despite the fact that he’s no longer getting’ at Mrs. Clause. In fact, if you don’t believe it, go sit next to him at the bar, tap him on the shoulder and say Merry Christmas. He’ll probably buy you a beer.

You’ll be able to find him right next to Yashur al Fuqur.

Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson

FUQUR LOSES PANTS, AND DIGNITY

*Weekend Edition*

Sure, Yashur al Fuqur is an avid drinker. Certainly, his name is known around town as a first rate drinker of all varieties of beer and liquor. This wonder-lick child of Barry and Joanne Norton did not consider one thing when showing his friends how to booze one weekend: wine is a different kind of adversary.

All the boys; Rufus Feldmore, Otis Sanderson, Luther Brewster, Carrie Oakey, and Stamford "Patch" Branch, were out celebrating the one year anniversary of Yashur's victory in the "Punt, Pass, and Throw" competition. Fuqur was going to re-enter the competition but this year his mother took the reigns with a landslide victory, and per the rules, only one family member is allowed. So the fellows were all flocking to their local mid-day favorite joint; David Hammack's house, where Fuqur's fate took a tragic turn for the worse.

"It was as if one second he was rowdy, making fun of me because I only drank 23 beers in 2 hours and he had drank 2 whole handles of whiskey and then the next moment he was no where to be seen," recalled long time friend Otis Sanderson.

"It's all Feldmore's fault," recounts Oakey, "he peer pressured Fuqur into doing it."

"Give me a break, Fuqur needs peer pressure NOT to drink," exclaimed Luther Brewster. "It's not Feldmore's fault that he encouraged Yashur to try funneling an entire box of wine all by himself after drinking beer and whiskey!"

"I thought he could do anything! I thought he was the Michael Jordan of drinking! Turns out he's just the Mugsy Bogues," says sarcastic Stamford Branch.

"Who invited the grandpa?" stammered a completely nude Fuqur, still recovering from the night before. "I need a beer to get rid of this hangover. Wait, where's my pants?"

"Well, we had to strip you naked and put you in the bathtub last night." Explains Oakey.

"Good one, get me a beer." Retorted Fuqur.

"Um, Yahsur," says Branch, "you blacked out, ended up defecating yourself all over, and we had to strip you and throw out your pants. Why would you ever let yourself get so intoxicated that you poop yourself?! We all stayed up all night watching you, well, everyone except for Feldmore."

"Why didn't you help Rufus? Didn't want to see me nakey?" Says Yashur.

"I was stickin all night." Says Feldmore; cool, and casually.

"Whatever, I'd rather sh!t myself then have no hair." Says Fuqur, and immediately, he fell off his chair, spilled his beer all over him, and started laughing.

The scene was a smelly one, this is for sure. Maybe Fuqur will finally learn his lesson, maybe he will ease back on the alcohol, maybe he won't be such a lush, or at the very, very least, maybe he learned not to funnel wine after drinking whiskey and beer. Or maybe his friends need to have an intervention.

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong,
Associated Intern,
Carrie Oakey

LOCAL MAN HONORED

Geoffrey’s Pub, Plattsburgh, NY (AP) - Abner Doubleday was credited with inventing America’s national pastime, baseball. However, when one thinks of all the greats who have played the sport, he’s usually not the first to pop up. Well, drinking was invented way back in the caveman’s day, but whether we’re sitting down to grab a brew with dinner or to black right the eph out like Yashur al Fuqur does, you don’t propose a toast to the cavemen. No. But when Plattsburgh thinks of it’s own local drinking heroes, one man stands out among the rest. Yes, Yashur al Fuqur has an edge on the rest of the North Country when it comes to alcohol(ism).

Last weekend he won the “Punt, Pass, Throw Award,” go figure. And it’s not like his family really threw a huge celebration of the marvelous victory. It was more as if it was expected, if not planned. They didn’t brag, they just celebrated as if they’d all been there before. Well, it turns out they have! Two years ago, Barry Norton took home the award. This year, Yashur took the award from the incumbent, Matthew Norton who snagged it from his father the year before. It really was expected of Yashur to win, as he was the only Norton appearing in this year’s contest.

“I kind of think the pub should give everyone else a handicap,” states Carrie Oakey, slightly shocked. “It’s not even fair. If a Fuqur walks in that door, they might as well carve his name into the damn trophy right then and there!”

“When Otis told me the news, it was like hearing that the Red Sox lost again,” cries Luther Brewster. “It just seemed so obvious that that’s they way it’d turn out. If there’s a competition, a Fuqur has a shot at winning. But if it involves drinking, then a Fuqur has a secure gold medal. I remember we had a drinking contest at a pub crawl in Rome, and Yashur won. When we told Randy, he was like, ‘Congratulations Yashur, you’re really good at drinking,’ and it was as if he had no doubt Yashur would win.”

“That’s my sweet stateroom mate!” states an excited, enthusiastic, proud Otis Sanderson.

“Go figure! Yashur won a drinking contest, I never saw that coming,” cries a sarcastic Stamford "Patch" Branch. “That’s like saying Feldmore woke up with a strange woman in his bed…it’s common routine!”

“Yeah I expected him to win,” admits Rufus Feldmore. “He drank the most liquor. But what he doesn’t know, is that I was snaking all of the women’s phone numbers.” It’s true. Once Feldmore entered through that doorway, the ladies didn’t care who won the competition. They didn’t even pay attention to it anymore. They started flirting with golden stud.

“I was p-p-pretty confident,” says a stuttering and slurring, yet victorious, Yashur al Fuqur, “but I was a lilllll scared. But then it just started going down like water, and I heard Barry cheering me on, and I guess it was close. Who won?” asks Fuqur. Um, Yashur, YOU won. “Oh, I guess I blacked out,” he admits, while still shooting Jager.

Due to the hat trick of Norton victories, the pub has since re-named its specials. A double Jack and diet is now call a “Snypa,” after Yashur da Snypa al Fuqur. A gin and tonic, hold the gin is now known as a “rat ‘stache.” A buttery nipple is also called a “JoJo Nip,” and a vodka cranberry, with a side shot of 151, followed by a penalty shot of Jager is the “Bearded Barry.”

Although it was a proud day for the North Country as it’s hometown boozebag and host of the event Yashur al Fuqur defeated contenders from all over New England, it was just a normal day for the al Fuqur family. Yeah they won a drinking contest, so what, they’re used to it. Yeah they all blacked out around 4:57pm, so what, they won’t remember. And yeah they were all hungover the next day, but so what…they weren’t nearly as hungover as they’ll be on Thanksgiving. Why? Because they don’t have to work on Thanksgiving, so there’s no reason for them to stop drinking the night before.

Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson

FELDMORE'S REPUGNANCE FOR MEGAN'S LAW

Quahog, Rhode Island:
We all have an eerie secret about us. We all have something we are hiding from people we know. Maybe it's because we're embarrassed, self-conscious, nervous, or repulsed by something we've done. We've all had the "fat girl" morning after feeling. We all hope no one, especially our friends, saw us go home with that mammoth of a person the night before. Others have different types of enigmas.

I talk about stocks and school. Luther Brewster talks about Gossip Girl and the Yankees. Otis Sanderson talks about minor league baseball and how hot old women golfers are. Stamford "Patch" Branch talks about his muster sessions. Not Rufus Feldmore, he takes it to a new level. He talks about sex offenders. Why are you so interested in this Megan's Law Rufus? Is someone trying to cover their steps? Is someone trying to bury the hatchet?

"It was hilarious, it was all of us…Feldmore, Branch, Luther Brewster, Oakey and I hanging out," explains Otis Sanderson, "and when the cops showed up to take away the sex offender, they immediately put Patch in the car."

"What the hell?!" Yells Patch, "I didn't do anything! I was here just to mmmmuuusssttteeerrr" he says excitedly.

The cop yelled back, "CALM DOWN SIR. YOU ARE THE SEX OFFENDER, YOU FIT ALL OF THE PHYSICAL CRITERIA OF A STAGE 1 OVER-THE-TOP-I-HIDE-IN-LITTLE-BOYS-CLOSETS SEX OFFENDER. You're the type that looks like the "soothing father figure" with your receding hairline and molester ‘stache that think you can coddle young children. And you even go over-board and attempt to become a school counselor, you sick perv!"

At the scene, once all of the guys stopped crying out of pure laughter, they felt obligated to tell the officer that they had the wrong guy. "Well, we're looking for a Rufus Charles Feldmore," explained the officer.

Flabbergasted, the group gasped in awe. "That's impossible, Feldmore gets more chicks than all of us combined. He gets more @$$ than a toilet seat." Explained long time friend Luther Brewster.

"Um, how did you find out?" Asks a befuddled Rufus Feldmore.

"You never registered with us, which is Megan's Law," explained the officer.

"Where's Megan's bra?" says an inebriated Yashur al Fuqur. "I want to see this bra you're all flapping your gums about," mutters Fuqur as he sips his morning "coffee."

"Sir, are you okay?" asked the officer to Fuqur.

"YOU'RE OKAY!" jolted Fuqur, as he laughs whole-heartedly as if he said the funniest thing in the world.

As all of the friends stood there perplexed, they couldn't come to a sane conclusion as to what happened. So they simply asked. "Feldie, what happened? We'll still be your friends." Said the creepy school counselor who acts like Mr. Herbert from Family Guy.

"Well, I hooked up with Jenny from Gossip Girl." Says Feldmore, "And she's 15."

The boys were astonished. They thought he was weird when they first heard the sex offender news, now, instead, they were all purely jealous. Somehow, Rufus Feldmore managed to turn from a registered sex offender, to the envy of all of his friends within seconds.

"I would!" yelled Otis Sanderson.


So as the cops drove off with Rufus Feldmore and Yashur al Fuqur (for open container and public drunkenness at 10:43 AM on a Wednesday), the friends were on their way to bail out Feldmore. They decided they'd leave Yashur in the drunk tank.


Rufus Feldmore is more than just a friend. He's the epitome of a good man, with good intentions, he's the wonder-lick child from Tom Miller Road, he's the captain of the hockey team, the Italian heart throb, the body of a Greek god, the envy of all of his friends, and the cherry popper of a gorgeous 15 year old girl.

Associated Press Substitute,
Carrie Oakey

CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL IT, FUQUR IS AN ALCOHOLIC

Peabody’s, Plattsburgh, NY (AP): When someone really likes something, they can become dangerously obsessive. For example, if someone is a die-hard Pirates fan, they could become a serious fanatic. If someone is obsessed with weightlifting, they could become a gym-rat. If someone is obsessed with computers, they could become a computer nerd or computer geek. If someone is obsessed with Paula Abdul, they could become a stalker. Yashur al Fuqur is obsessed with alcohol, and Yashur al Fuqur IS an alcoholic.

If you’ll glance back and notice the setting of this article, it’s not just Plattsburgh. Nope. It’s Peabody’s. It’s the only place other than the Green Room (which is closed during the day) that he would be available for interview. And yes, it was extremely difficult to process this interview in the first place, one, because he’s already slurring, and two, because he won’t take long enough between sips to complete a sentence.

“He certainly ran up his tab on the cruise,“ recalls long time friend, Mike Rivers. “It was pretty impressive, but quite disturbing too. It’s not like he just bought drinks for everyone he saw. He literally drank 800 bones worth of booze on his own! And the best part is, I got a drunk dial that night that we got home. Yeah, he actually went out in Plattsburgh on the Sunday that we got back.”

“When I think of an alcoholic, I picture a homeless guy, dirty, no voice, begging for change. That’s not Yashur at all, and yet they’re both in the same category,” explains fellow friend, Carrie Oakey. “It’s kind of comforting though, just knowing that if I can’t find anyone else to go out with on any night of the week, I’ll never have to go alone. I’ll just have to find whichever bar is regrettably serving Yashur, and I’ll have a pal to sit next to.”

“That’s my sweet stateroom mate!” added an impressed, excited, enthusiastic, and proud Otis Sanderson.

“There’s definitely something wrong with that kid,” mutters Rufus Feldmore, in disbelief, with a side of amazement. “A part of me wishes I could do that too, but even more importantly, there’s stuff I like to do outside of bars, like, um, my job, and watch movies. And the ladies,” he added with a smirk.

“That’s why I can’t have a relationship with him,” admits a crying Casey Cowan. “I’d never get to see him. He lives, eats, and sleeps at bars, and he wouldn’t have time for me or the twins.”

“I couldn’t do it. No way,” declares Stamford Branch. “If I drank as much as he does, I wouldn’t have anything left in me. I’d lose it.” And before Yashur could credit card Branch, he fell backwards off his barstool.

To many, he’s an alcoholic. But to others, he’s also a hero. After all, he does work with kids, acting as a role model. He does go to church (where he was cut off last week after a four second chug of the holy water). Not only that, he was the first one on the scene when the Comfort Inn went up in flames. Unfortunately, he had just come out of Legends, and he tried to pour his beer on the fire, which only ignited it more.

But after all, he is still Yashur al Fuqur. He is still a friend, a teammate, and a sweet stateroom mate. There’s a lot to Yashur al Fuqur other than alcohol. Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as fun to write about.

Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson

CONGELOSI ARRIVING, BARS PROVIDING

New York City (AP): There has been word that a certain guest will be arriving in New York City on the evening of November 14, 2008. In response, the bars have stocked up on beer, bourbon, and top shelf liquors, and trucks will be bringing refills in around midnight. Local hotels have been notified, and additional rooms have become available for outside guests who will be pouring in from all over the world to see the historic guest. In fact, Manhattan residents have offered to rent out their spare bedrooms for a steep price, but out-of-towners are willing to pay whatever it will take to see the man of honor. His name is Congelosi. ChrimpsthP Congelosi.

Only few have actually seen it, but many have heard. I’m talking about his move…his famous dance move. It’s been imitated, copied, duplicated, but none, not one single remake, can compare to the real thing. The real thing is the ChrimpsthP Congelosi Back It Up move. You know, the one where he reads from the pamphlet as he's backing his sweet rear into the lap of participating and non-participating ladies.

“It’s incredible! I’ve never in my life seen anything like it. I’ve tried it myself, but it just didn’t get the reaction and attention that the actual move gets,” declares long time friend Matt “Scissors” Rivers. “Normally, after a decent night, I'll catch ChrimpsthP giving out autographs to his fans. And that's just a decent night. You can imagine what he gives his fans on a great night!”

“It’s true. He backed it up last weekend on my Grandma. Ma had no idea what hit her,” replies Haley Trombley. “It was hysterical! In fact, I got a call from Poppi this morning and apparently she tried backing it up on him last night! That move is spreading like wildfire. I can’t wait to see the actual thing tonight.” And you will see it, and you will be honored, because it’s a privilege to cut rug with the King of All Cutters, ChrimpsthP “Jack knife” Congelosi.

“The whole city of Plattsburgh goes out on Friday nights hoping to witness it,” states his older brother, Joseph “CongoMan” Congelosi III. “I am a bouncer at the Monopole, and on nights when Chris goes out, my work is over doubled. I’m tossing people left and right,” shouts CongoMan, all revved up. “Yeah, last weekend, I saw him toss 6 guys twice his size,” replies Ryan McMartin, friend of the Congelosies.

“I don’t doubt it for a second,” says Mike Rivers, fellow buddy of the brothers Congo. “Joe was a phenomenal linebacker in high school. He could really hit people. He hit real hard, and the whistle couldn’t even stop him. I saw this underage girl, couldn't have been more than 90-92 pounds, trying to get into his bar once, and Joe just flat out leveled her, denying her access to the bar and entitling her to a free ambulance ride and admittance to the hospital."

The arrival time of ChrimpsthP and gang into the city is 6pm, and it’s been said that he will bust out his first move in Tonic at 12:28am, allowing for ample pre-gaming time. The bars will certainly be packed, so onlookers should get there early. "I know we'll get in on time. I mean, I AM a bouncer," re-states CongoMan, who thinks just walking up to his bouncer brethren will allow him a free pass. Chances are, it won't. But ChrimpsthP is sure to get his Brew Crew in on time.

“No, I don’t consider myself a celebrity,” admits a modest ChrimpsthP. “I’m just lookin’ to go out and drink and maybe do a little cuttin.’ I’m more focused on my drinking,” he says with a slight chuckle, as he sips his Brew. “I’m gonna drink so much they better have a hospital bed with my name on it,” he jokes.

It was later reported that he wasn’t joking when he said that. In fact, precautious funeral arrangements were made just in case.

Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson