His name’s Mike Rivers
He has really long fingers
He’s a real creeper.
He’s Matthew Dickson
His ladies drink lots of milk
He is such a stud.
Christopher Gebhardt
So small and so innocent
He’s such a cutie.
Austin Patch Bushey
Kid who drives a mini van
Austin From Boston.
He is Matty Rivs
Otis Terry Sanderson
Your Chief Staff Writer.
Randy Paul Lozier
Might as well call him Biclops
Sees two things at once
Jordan Mike Maille
Also known as J Meezy
A great bus driver.
Jeffrey Lee Norton
He is an alcoholic
Jeffrey da Snypa.
~Otis T. Sanderson
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
CHRISTMAS UNITING POEM
His name is Stamford Bushey,
He's got a real nice tooshie.
The fellas know him as Patch,
The ladies love his sack.
According to Matty Rivs,
The special kid who eats with a bib,
Patch has a hole in his hair,
Cause his dome is so plain and bare.
His brother's name is Mike,
Who's dating a nice young tyke,
He has crazy long fingers,
But his brewing skills still linger.
Then there's Rufus Chuck Dickson,
Who gets all the shorties and vixens,
He's coy and modest and studly,
And can down 100 proof bubbly.
Now there's Mister Chris,
Who can be a little priss,
He's disguised as being cute,
But he's as mean as a brute.
Their other friend's quite a trip,
Cause he drinks, slurps, and spits,
His name is Jeffrey Lee,
In a drinking competition, he can't be beat.
What a wonderful crew they create,
Any young lady is lucky to have met,
They're as cool and good looking as General Custer,
And oh my God, they like to muster!
~Staff Writer,
Carrie Oakey
He's got a real nice tooshie.
The fellas know him as Patch,
The ladies love his sack.
According to Matty Rivs,
The special kid who eats with a bib,
Patch has a hole in his hair,
Cause his dome is so plain and bare.
His brother's name is Mike,
Who's dating a nice young tyke,
He has crazy long fingers,
But his brewing skills still linger.
Then there's Rufus Chuck Dickson,
Who gets all the shorties and vixens,
He's coy and modest and studly,
And can down 100 proof bubbly.
Now there's Mister Chris,
Who can be a little priss,
He's disguised as being cute,
But he's as mean as a brute.
Their other friend's quite a trip,
Cause he drinks, slurps, and spits,
His name is Jeffrey Lee,
In a drinking competition, he can't be beat.
What a wonderful crew they create,
Any young lady is lucky to have met,
They're as cool and good looking as General Custer,
And oh my God, they like to muster!
~Staff Writer,
Carrie Oakey
The Blackout Subtracts to add Championships
Yashur's Yearbook
Plattsburgh, NY (AP)- The City of Plattsburgh Wiffleball League has become quite the hot ticket on Thursday nights in the Champlain Valley. When the weather turns cold, pools are closed, and Jordan puts away the Speedo for the year; THIS is when the real action begins.
When the league was in its infancy it was ruled by a team of semi-professionals known as Michigan's Plus. They were an average group of men, playing in a league that consisted of the deaf, blind, and Randy Lozier-like (unathletic). Soon, however, the league developed into a highly competitive war-like organization, where only the best could be involved.
Thus the birth of Subject to Blackout.
Once assembled, this group consisting of great, handsome ballplayers, and even better drinkers, assumed they would take the league by storm. But did this happen? Well, in part it did. You see the regular season was never a problem for this group of studs (not as studly as longtime friend Rufus Feldmore, but who can be!?). It was the playoffs that caused problems. Year after year the Blackout would dominate until playoff time, always falling a game short. This team consisted of the best pitcher in the league (Billy Davis), the homerun (and coincidentally hot dog eating) champion Jordan “Masher” Maille, playoff MVP Otis “Special Stick” Sanderson, and multiple time player (and drinker) of the week Yashur “Jello-shot” al Fuqur. The team even had Scott Rougeau and Stamford Branch, the players with the most and least amount of “SOMETHING” in the league. This was a juggernaut made for a dynasty.
Baseball standout and close friend Luther “Sneaky Fingers” Brewster stated, “Even I showed up and went DEEP in my first game. The Blackout is unstoppable.”
Now-a-days this is true. The Blackout has won three championships in a row. Playoffs are not such an issue anymore. And what is it that changed!? Was it Carrie Oakey fistpumping in the stands to get us FIRED up!? NO!!! Was it the team colors!? Certainly not.
No. It was the eradication of team cancers (although the only real cancer is from Maille's cigarettes). Sorry boys, you are great players, but WE PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!
LONG LIVE THE BLACKOUT!
Yashur al Faqur
Plattsburgh, NY (AP)- The City of Plattsburgh Wiffleball League has become quite the hot ticket on Thursday nights in the Champlain Valley. When the weather turns cold, pools are closed, and Jordan puts away the Speedo for the year; THIS is when the real action begins.
When the league was in its infancy it was ruled by a team of semi-professionals known as Michigan's Plus. They were an average group of men, playing in a league that consisted of the deaf, blind, and Randy Lozier-like (unathletic). Soon, however, the league developed into a highly competitive war-like organization, where only the best could be involved.
Thus the birth of Subject to Blackout.
Once assembled, this group consisting of great, handsome ballplayers, and even better drinkers, assumed they would take the league by storm. But did this happen? Well, in part it did. You see the regular season was never a problem for this group of studs (not as studly as longtime friend Rufus Feldmore, but who can be!?). It was the playoffs that caused problems. Year after year the Blackout would dominate until playoff time, always falling a game short. This team consisted of the best pitcher in the league (Billy Davis), the homerun (and coincidentally hot dog eating) champion Jordan “Masher” Maille, playoff MVP Otis “Special Stick” Sanderson, and multiple time player (and drinker) of the week Yashur “Jello-shot” al Fuqur. The team even had Scott Rougeau and Stamford Branch, the players with the most and least amount of “SOMETHING” in the league. This was a juggernaut made for a dynasty.
Baseball standout and close friend Luther “Sneaky Fingers” Brewster stated, “Even I showed up and went DEEP in my first game. The Blackout is unstoppable.”
Now-a-days this is true. The Blackout has won three championships in a row. Playoffs are not such an issue anymore. And what is it that changed!? Was it Carrie Oakey fistpumping in the stands to get us FIRED up!? NO!!! Was it the team colors!? Certainly not.
No. It was the eradication of team cancers (although the only real cancer is from Maille's cigarettes). Sorry boys, you are great players, but WE PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!
LONG LIVE THE BLACKOUT!
Yashur al Faqur
LIONS, TIGERS, AND BEARS, OH MY!
Intercourse, Pennsylvania: (it's a real city, google it)
When we're young, we all want to be our favorite animal. When I was a child, I wanted to be a sloth, simply because they lived a life of lavish laziness. Randy Lozier wanted to be a baboon. Brian Boitano wanted to be a flamingo (very fitting), while the likes of Michael Phelps wanted to be a fish (go figure). Others turn out to be the complete opposite of what they want to be.
"I'm an Italian Stallion," smirks the arrogant Rufus Feldmore, "the ladies love a workhorse in bed, don't they babe?" He says with a wink and a smile, casually trying to seduce me for fornication.
"Feldmore's so sweet, he definitely is stallion! The ladies love him!" Exclaims the squirrel-like Otis Sanderson, "I'm not sure what I am, but I know my brother Luther is definitely a hyena! He's always laughing and making others laugh too!"
"Hyena huh?" Says long-time friend Luther Brewster, "Well you're a kangaroo because you love to hop and dance around!" Cackles Luther, in his hyena-like screech. "No no no no! You're definitely a llama, a stupid llama!" Luther yells, guffawing some more. "You're special just like they are, always with a confused look on their face as if they have no idea what's going on!" Luther screams, finally on the ground, smitten with hilarity and tears in his eyes.
"What the eph? At least I know that the first thing to break the sound barrier was the WHHHHIP," says the llama-faced Otis in rebuttle.
"Fuqur is definitely a camel!" Says the baby-lion-cub-like Carrie Oakey, "He drinks more than anyone I know and stores liquid in him forever! I've seen him drunk for 3 days straight before, and only a camel can retain liquid like that!"
We tried to reach Yashur for his feelings on the matter, but he angrily hid his head like a turtle (yes sir), very fittingly, and took a shot of Jack Daniels.
"What's Patch?" asked Feldmore, as he tried to slide his hand on my knee.
"Definitely an aye-aye!" wails Oakey, unkempt with mirth.
"Yeah, he's an aye-aye or Golem from Lord of the Rings," Says the hippo-clone Jordan Maille.
"I'm like a butterfly," interrupts Ali Pellerin, doing anything possible to be included and be in the spotlight, "I'm cute, pretty, and people like me."
"You're more like a bee," says the angry, disgruntled Stamford, "you're loud, always making noise, always in the way, and if I could, I'd swat you away."
As Pellerin frowned and stormed away, the boys began laughing at each other and reminiscing on the old times. Sure, we all want to be something when we're young, sometimes it works out for us, and sometimes we have to play with the cards we're dealt.
The boys all went home for the evening, except for Feldmore, he took this Carrie Oakey and sang it all night long.
For more information on Aye-Ayes, click here: http://oddanimals.com/unusualanimals/ayeaye.html
Associated Press Writer,
Carrie Oakey
When we're young, we all want to be our favorite animal. When I was a child, I wanted to be a sloth, simply because they lived a life of lavish laziness. Randy Lozier wanted to be a baboon. Brian Boitano wanted to be a flamingo (very fitting), while the likes of Michael Phelps wanted to be a fish (go figure). Others turn out to be the complete opposite of what they want to be.
"I'm an Italian Stallion," smirks the arrogant Rufus Feldmore, "the ladies love a workhorse in bed, don't they babe?" He says with a wink and a smile, casually trying to seduce me for fornication.
"Feldmore's so sweet, he definitely is stallion! The ladies love him!" Exclaims the squirrel-like Otis Sanderson, "I'm not sure what I am, but I know my brother Luther is definitely a hyena! He's always laughing and making others laugh too!"
"Hyena huh?" Says long-time friend Luther Brewster, "Well you're a kangaroo because you love to hop and dance around!" Cackles Luther, in his hyena-like screech. "No no no no! You're definitely a llama, a stupid llama!" Luther yells, guffawing some more. "You're special just like they are, always with a confused look on their face as if they have no idea what's going on!" Luther screams, finally on the ground, smitten with hilarity and tears in his eyes.
"What the eph? At least I know that the first thing to break the sound barrier was the WHHHHIP," says the llama-faced Otis in rebuttle.
"Fuqur is definitely a camel!" Says the baby-lion-cub-like Carrie Oakey, "He drinks more than anyone I know and stores liquid in him forever! I've seen him drunk for 3 days straight before, and only a camel can retain liquid like that!"
We tried to reach Yashur for his feelings on the matter, but he angrily hid his head like a turtle (yes sir), very fittingly, and took a shot of Jack Daniels.
"What's Patch?" asked Feldmore, as he tried to slide his hand on my knee.
"Definitely an aye-aye!" wails Oakey, unkempt with mirth.
"Yeah, he's an aye-aye or Golem from Lord of the Rings," Says the hippo-clone Jordan Maille.
"I'm like a butterfly," interrupts Ali Pellerin, doing anything possible to be included and be in the spotlight, "I'm cute, pretty, and people like me."
"You're more like a bee," says the angry, disgruntled Stamford, "you're loud, always making noise, always in the way, and if I could, I'd swat you away."
As Pellerin frowned and stormed away, the boys began laughing at each other and reminiscing on the old times. Sure, we all want to be something when we're young, sometimes it works out for us, and sometimes we have to play with the cards we're dealt.
The boys all went home for the evening, except for Feldmore, he took this Carrie Oakey and sang it all night long.
For more information on Aye-Ayes, click here: http://oddanimals.com/unusualanimals/ayeaye.html
Associated Press Writer,
Carrie Oakey
SWEET COGNAC
Caribbean Sea (AP): Many families were out enjoying a nice, relaxing cruise for their break away from school and work. Many elderly couples were having an anniversary party. Many newlyweds, a honeymoon. Many children, a first time vacation. To the Brew Crew, originally from Plattsburgh, it was a train wreck…but in a great way!
While children were swimming in the pool, overachievers were running around the track, elderly couplers were looking out towards sea in their binoculars, middle-class workers were relaxing and taking in some sun, and Randy was gambling, five college-aged studs were taking in mass consumptions of alcohol, preparing for their huge concert that evening. “I can’t sing with a dry throat!” exclaimed lead singer Otis Sanderson. “Yeah, we were getting in the mix,” added long time friend, Stamford Branch.
Meanwhile, Carrie Oakey and Luther Brewster were creeping down to the pool looking to pick up some shorties with low expectations. “I wanted to find a charmer, and so I decided to use charm itself, so I brought Carrie along with me,” explains Luther Brewster. “I didn’t know what he wanted, I just went for a walk with him,” says Carrie Oakey, innocently. At this time, Yashur al Fuqur was unavailable for interview, as he was already passed out drunk on the balcony, despite it being the first day of the cruise.
It’s the first night of the cruise, so it makes perfect sense for Princess Cruises to book its best band to sing karaoke right off the bat. After a few poor performances from rookies and has-beens, the crowd started pouring in to see what all the noise was. And that’s when the show started to light up. The group, formerly known as Austin From Boston, AFB for short, took the stage and ran a phenomenal, unprecedented version of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.” Needless to say, the crowd loved it. They stood for an ovation, and demanded an encore the following night, which they were sure to get.
Sure enough, Austin From Boston bedazzled the even more crowded audience with “I Wanna Dance With Somebody!” By this time, all members of AFB were gaining rapid fame among the excited fans of all ages. “I was just walking down the hall and this young kid came up to me and said, ‘Mom, it’s him! It’s Austin from Austin From Boston!’ I signed his shirt, and it made his day!” exclaims Stamford “Patch” Branch. “Yeah, it was so sweet!” states Luther Brewster, tenor of the group. “Those two girls we were talking to by the pool want us to play card games with them! They must have seen us in concert and realized that we weren’t just creepy guys trying to hit,” he says with a smirk and a wink.
On his way back from the stage after Sweet Caroline, Otis Sanderson was stopped by a family from Texas. “We love your hat,” they said, and invited him to sit with them for a drink. “They loved our song,” Sanderson tells. “And they loved my hat! They nicknamed me ‘Tweeter’ from Varsity Blues, and they want us to hang out with them too!” As one can tell, AFB was a huge hit, and many of the fans were requesting face time with the band, wanting to share drinks, play games, and get autographs. Once again, Fuqur declined interview as he headed straight from the stage to the bar, and ordered drink upon drink.
On the third night, still feeling a bit hungover, or even still drunk if your name is Fuqur, the group was having a nice playing some card games while watching the other singers perform, trying to live up to the bar set by AFB. Lead singer Sanderson was “iffy” about performing for a third night in a row. Cute icon Oakey had other feelings. “It was AMAZING! I bought him a shot of Cognac, cuz I know that gets him going, even though he can’t stand the stuff,” says Oakey. The shot just sat there for minutes upon minutes. Then, it suddenly disappeared. “He goes, ‘Oakey, this one’s for you,’ and he downed it right there!” cries an excited Stamford Branch. “Then, within a second, he got up and had to go puke,” Branch explains, who was so fired up that he bought the next round! “I Think We’re Alone Now” was just as big of a hit! After the third night’s show, Luther Brewster challenged an eight year old to a dance off, lost, then requested a slow dance song at Skywalker’s Night Club. “It says a lot about this upcoming group,” says an anonymous witness. “They take interest in kids, allow them to participate in concerts and events, they slow dance with fans…it’s a real classy bunch of guys.” Meanwhile, Sanderson is puking for the second straight night, and Fuqur is passed out on the dance floor. That witness obviously didn’t see the after-party.
And it wasn’t until the third night when the “C--shot heard ‘round the world” took place. Tenor Stamford Branch took one lucky fan back to his stateroom and got at it. Twice. After the group re-united at the Branch-Oakey stateroom, Fuqur, who was surprisingly still able to talk and walk, told Otis Sanderson to check the Pringles can, which he regrettably did. Sanderson, who was laughing so hard after trying to re-demonstrate Patch’s “Dino-dance,” checked it and yelled, “What? You guys hit?!?!?” And Branch simply replied, “Well I MUUUUUUUSTTAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
While children were swimming in the pool, overachievers were running around the track, elderly couplers were looking out towards sea in their binoculars, middle-class workers were relaxing and taking in some sun, and Randy was gambling, five college-aged studs were taking in mass consumptions of alcohol, preparing for their huge concert that evening. “I can’t sing with a dry throat!” exclaimed lead singer Otis Sanderson. “Yeah, we were getting in the mix,” added long time friend, Stamford Branch.
Meanwhile, Carrie Oakey and Luther Brewster were creeping down to the pool looking to pick up some shorties with low expectations. “I wanted to find a charmer, and so I decided to use charm itself, so I brought Carrie along with me,” explains Luther Brewster. “I didn’t know what he wanted, I just went for a walk with him,” says Carrie Oakey, innocently. At this time, Yashur al Fuqur was unavailable for interview, as he was already passed out drunk on the balcony, despite it being the first day of the cruise.
It’s the first night of the cruise, so it makes perfect sense for Princess Cruises to book its best band to sing karaoke right off the bat. After a few poor performances from rookies and has-beens, the crowd started pouring in to see what all the noise was. And that’s when the show started to light up. The group, formerly known as Austin From Boston, AFB for short, took the stage and ran a phenomenal, unprecedented version of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.” Needless to say, the crowd loved it. They stood for an ovation, and demanded an encore the following night, which they were sure to get.
Sure enough, Austin From Boston bedazzled the even more crowded audience with “I Wanna Dance With Somebody!” By this time, all members of AFB were gaining rapid fame among the excited fans of all ages. “I was just walking down the hall and this young kid came up to me and said, ‘Mom, it’s him! It’s Austin from Austin From Boston!’ I signed his shirt, and it made his day!” exclaims Stamford “Patch” Branch. “Yeah, it was so sweet!” states Luther Brewster, tenor of the group. “Those two girls we were talking to by the pool want us to play card games with them! They must have seen us in concert and realized that we weren’t just creepy guys trying to hit,” he says with a smirk and a wink.
On his way back from the stage after Sweet Caroline, Otis Sanderson was stopped by a family from Texas. “We love your hat,” they said, and invited him to sit with them for a drink. “They loved our song,” Sanderson tells. “And they loved my hat! They nicknamed me ‘Tweeter’ from Varsity Blues, and they want us to hang out with them too!” As one can tell, AFB was a huge hit, and many of the fans were requesting face time with the band, wanting to share drinks, play games, and get autographs. Once again, Fuqur declined interview as he headed straight from the stage to the bar, and ordered drink upon drink.
On the third night, still feeling a bit hungover, or even still drunk if your name is Fuqur, the group was having a nice playing some card games while watching the other singers perform, trying to live up to the bar set by AFB. Lead singer Sanderson was “iffy” about performing for a third night in a row. Cute icon Oakey had other feelings. “It was AMAZING! I bought him a shot of Cognac, cuz I know that gets him going, even though he can’t stand the stuff,” says Oakey. The shot just sat there for minutes upon minutes. Then, it suddenly disappeared. “He goes, ‘Oakey, this one’s for you,’ and he downed it right there!” cries an excited Stamford Branch. “Then, within a second, he got up and had to go puke,” Branch explains, who was so fired up that he bought the next round! “I Think We’re Alone Now” was just as big of a hit! After the third night’s show, Luther Brewster challenged an eight year old to a dance off, lost, then requested a slow dance song at Skywalker’s Night Club. “It says a lot about this upcoming group,” says an anonymous witness. “They take interest in kids, allow them to participate in concerts and events, they slow dance with fans…it’s a real classy bunch of guys.” Meanwhile, Sanderson is puking for the second straight night, and Fuqur is passed out on the dance floor. That witness obviously didn’t see the after-party.
And it wasn’t until the third night when the “C--shot heard ‘round the world” took place. Tenor Stamford Branch took one lucky fan back to his stateroom and got at it. Twice. After the group re-united at the Branch-Oakey stateroom, Fuqur, who was surprisingly still able to talk and walk, told Otis Sanderson to check the Pringles can, which he regrettably did. Sanderson, who was laughing so hard after trying to re-demonstrate Patch’s “Dino-dance,” checked it and yelled, “What? You guys hit?!?!?” And Branch simply replied, “Well I MUUUUUUUSTTAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
DO YOU KNOW THE MUSTER MAN?
Yashur’s Yearbook
Plattsburgh, NY (AP) – “The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man sending back soup at the deli!” “I’m gonna kill that kid!” These are both quotes, the former from Seinfeld character George Castanza, and the latter from classic comedy character Harry from Home Alone, that are made famous by the people who say them. Well there is a local man that has his own famous saying; he is well known for standing on a table and yelling “WELL I MUSSSSSSSTA!”
No matter the time, place, or situation, Stamford “Patch” Branch, also lovingly known as the “Muster Man,” does not cease to fire up the entire group of people within earshot of his famous bellow. Longtime friend and fellow brew master Otis Sanderson says “Stamford, whether he means to or not, ALWAYS gets the party started! All he has to do is hop on a table and yell, and everyone gets revved up!”
“Well I never noticed his yelling before, probably because I’m too busy trying to hit on all the girls at the party,” says professional studmuffin Rufus Feldmore. “Anyway, normally by the time people start partying I have one, or maybe two, girls in my room already,” he states with a sly wink.
“Mustard!?” asks local legend Randy Lozier, confusing the war cry of Branch with the condiment. “Did someone say food!?” questions the rotund referee of the North Country. “I’m all in!”
“No, Randy” says the creepy Luther Brewster, standing around staring at a group of unsuspecting girls (they didn’t know because Feldmore was infatuating them with his charm). “We are not talking about food or gambling, so you are probably not interested. Just go back to stalking people on Facebook.”
“I thought they were talking about mustard, too!” reports the top heavy bus driver Jordan Maille. “I hate mustard on food, but I bet mustard flavored cigarettes would be GREAT!” he states jovially, like a smelly, unkempt Santa Claus.
“I didn’t know my performances were such a hit at parties!” states an excited and unaware Stamford Branch. He was not available for many comments because he was singing “My Sharona” for the fourth time of the night. He did ad, however “I know I’m a hit! Look at Fuqur on the floor laughing. He can’t even stand up!”
No he can’t stand up. That’s because he’s been drunk for 36 hours straight, claiming “Hey! That’s what vacation is for!” Little does Stamford know that Yashur can’t get up because he is HAMMERED. Also, he’s laughing really hard at the cute, pint-sized sidekick Carrie Oakey firing viscous fistpumps straight up into the air!
Stamford is certainly famous for many reasons. His great personality, his many friends, and his unbelievable performances are all reasons that people love to have him around. Little does he know, his biggest gimmick is his famous bellow… “Well I mustaaaaaah!”
Aspiring staff writer
Yashur Al Fuqher
Plattsburgh, NY (AP) – “The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man sending back soup at the deli!” “I’m gonna kill that kid!” These are both quotes, the former from Seinfeld character George Castanza, and the latter from classic comedy character Harry from Home Alone, that are made famous by the people who say them. Well there is a local man that has his own famous saying; he is well known for standing on a table and yelling “WELL I MUSSSSSSSTA!”
No matter the time, place, or situation, Stamford “Patch” Branch, also lovingly known as the “Muster Man,” does not cease to fire up the entire group of people within earshot of his famous bellow. Longtime friend and fellow brew master Otis Sanderson says “Stamford, whether he means to or not, ALWAYS gets the party started! All he has to do is hop on a table and yell, and everyone gets revved up!”
“Well I never noticed his yelling before, probably because I’m too busy trying to hit on all the girls at the party,” says professional studmuffin Rufus Feldmore. “Anyway, normally by the time people start partying I have one, or maybe two, girls in my room already,” he states with a sly wink.
“Mustard!?” asks local legend Randy Lozier, confusing the war cry of Branch with the condiment. “Did someone say food!?” questions the rotund referee of the North Country. “I’m all in!”
“No, Randy” says the creepy Luther Brewster, standing around staring at a group of unsuspecting girls (they didn’t know because Feldmore was infatuating them with his charm). “We are not talking about food or gambling, so you are probably not interested. Just go back to stalking people on Facebook.”
“I thought they were talking about mustard, too!” reports the top heavy bus driver Jordan Maille. “I hate mustard on food, but I bet mustard flavored cigarettes would be GREAT!” he states jovially, like a smelly, unkempt Santa Claus.
“I didn’t know my performances were such a hit at parties!” states an excited and unaware Stamford Branch. He was not available for many comments because he was singing “My Sharona” for the fourth time of the night. He did ad, however “I know I’m a hit! Look at Fuqur on the floor laughing. He can’t even stand up!”
No he can’t stand up. That’s because he’s been drunk for 36 hours straight, claiming “Hey! That’s what vacation is for!” Little does Stamford know that Yashur can’t get up because he is HAMMERED. Also, he’s laughing really hard at the cute, pint-sized sidekick Carrie Oakey firing viscous fistpumps straight up into the air!
Stamford is certainly famous for many reasons. His great personality, his many friends, and his unbelievable performances are all reasons that people love to have him around. Little does he know, his biggest gimmick is his famous bellow… “Well I mustaaaaaah!”
Aspiring staff writer
Yashur Al Fuqher
Heroes to Return Home for Holidays
Boston, MA (AP) – It was a quiet morning in the suburb of Brighton, just outside of Boston, MA. The birds could be heard chirping, the vehicles could be heard splashing through puddles in the middle of the streets. There was a cold, brisk breeze gently grazing the faces of the small community as they stepped out of their buildings and headed for work. This, however, was no ordinary morning. There was an empty feeling, a genuine sadness associated with this particular morning. Local town drinker and fan favorite Carrie Oakey was no where to be seen.
It was reported that well past midnight in the dark, isolated town of Plattsburgh, New York, surrounded by trees, mountains, and slush, young Carrie Harry Oakey was just arriving in his hometown for a nice five day getaway. Fans were lined up several people deep as the car approached the Oakey household. Banners were waved, flags were flying, bells were ringing, horns were honking, and young men were grabbing the random shorties next to them and pulling them in as the perfect excuse for a celebratory kiss, as the local hero had arrived safely through the treacherous weather. “I’m just glad he was able to make it through the mountains and rain and get here safely so we can start cuttin’ and brewing,” exclaimed a relieved, yet ecstatic Otis Sanderson. “There was word for a couple of weeks now that Carrie would be making her way back here to be with us and the day has finally come!” as he downed a brew can and crushed it on his forehead. Whereas back in Boston the mood was depressed and gloom, Plattsburgh, NY had just become bouncing and alive upon the arrival of the cutest boozehound in the Northeast. Family members, friends, townies, worshippers, even strangers were jumping with joy as the car pulled up and out stepped the young, cute, happy Carrie Oakey. “It was a long ride.” “That’s what she said” was heard in the distant as fans were yelling and screaming upon every sentence spoken by their childhood hero. “But you know what, I did it!” (40 second applause) “Knowing that there would be cold booze to be drunk and bitties to stalk me again as I walked through the streets of my old hood was my motivation to keep trucking and make it here alive,” announced Oakey to her fans with a finishing fist pump!
In downtown Plattsburgh, there was only one man around who was unable to make it up to the West End to see the arrival of his best bud. The lone brewer was available for comment from his barstool at Peabody’s. “Yeah, he made it safely. Great. But I’m not celebrating until the trip home is complete. And that’s not going to happen until Carrie gets her sweet deuce downtown, shoots 5 straight tequila shots, and downs 10 beers with me,” explained longtime friend Yashur al Fuqur, as he wiped the drool out of the corner of his mouth while tumbling off the stool.
In other cities, as Plattsburgh was erupting with happiness, Albany, New York is setting up its parade-like ceremony for the following morning, as young Rufus Feldmore will be set to take off and leave his friends behind for the holidays, only to join other friends in the ‘Burgh region. “It’s more of a sad, farewell parade, as I’m leaving them all,” said an arrogant Rufus Feldmore. “But you know what, they’ll be okay. I’m sure each family has an empty place set up at its Thanksgiving dinner table in memory of my absence. And an extra keg in case I come back to surprise them,” said a cocky, rugged Rufus, as he went on about the parade that was about to be thrown in his honor.
“From my comprehension, the generally feeling of this Thanksgiving week in 2008 is that one city’s loss is another city’s gain,” explains fellow brewer Luther Brewster. “Score two points for Plattsburgh this year.”
Associated Press Intern,
Luther Brewster
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)