Plattsburgh, NY: It’s every child’s dream growing up to be the starting quarterback. Every kid imagines himself scoring touchdowns, hitting home runs, throwing a perfect game, scoring the game-winning goal, or scoring a hat trick. For some kids, just being part of the team is enough to satisfy them. Otis Sanderson just wanted to be part of the PHS bowling squad.
“I know I’m not a great bowler, but my little brother was on the team and I just wanted to be able to participate,” cried a remorseful Otis Sanderson, who was cut from the JV bowling team his senior year. “I just wanted to hang out with the guys.”
“It was kind of sad,” admits brother Luther. “He wasn’t even allowed to come to our away matches to watch, let alone participate. We needed an extra player once and the coach still wouldn’t let him play…she just averaged the missing guy’s score, subtracted 40 pins, and we used that…now that I think about it, it was probably a good move since it was a higher score than Otis would have ever gotten, but it was a kick to the pills for him…he took it very hard.”
“Yeah, I’ve ridden pine before,” recalls long time friend Yashur al Fuqur, a member of the Seton Catholic varsity basketball team. “It’s certainly not fun. Although I actually DID have the talent, I just wasn’t allowed to play ‘cuz I disobeyed the code of conduct by drinking before games and at half time.” The Fuqur’s certainly do not mess around. They start their drinking years early.
“I’ve been there before. It’s a tease,” says long time friend Carrie Oakey. “You see your buddies out there scoring goals, shooting baskets, making plays. All you want is to get in there and show everyone what you’re capable of. I feel bad for the kid, I mean, it was his senior year.”
Although Sanderson excelled on the baseball diamond and the football grid, bowling just was not his sport. “Yeah, neither is drinking,” claims Rufus Feldmore. “No wonder the kid didn’t play. I certainly hope he was a better bowler than he is a drinker. He puked in Boston, couldn’t even participate in the ice-cube tray race, and yet he wanted to go to the bars. The kid is probably one of the worst athletes I know, but let me tell you…he plays with heart.”
“He may be a loser in my right eye,” says Randy Lozier, “but in my left eye, he’s the biggest winner I know.” “I did my fair share of bench sitting,” admits Stamford "Patch" Branch, “but that was my freshman year, on the varsity team. Poor Sanderson got cut his senior year…from varsity, JV, and mod A bowling. That’s not very impressive.”
Contributing Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
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Associated Press--Otis T. Sanderson Makes Stunning Comeback!On November 10, 2008 at approximately 4:14pm, Otis T. Sanderson, free-lance journalist and bar dancing extraordinar, came back from what some would call post partum depression and began writing with his tenacious and relentless witt that he was always known for.
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BREWSTER CREEPBALL, SLEEZE
New York City, NY (AP): The clock ticks 11pm, and the bars of full of guidos. They’re full of jocks with that fake Long Island accent. They’re full of creeps. They’re full of Luther Brewsters.
It was March 11, approximately 11:28pm when Carrie Oakey, Otis Sanderson, Stamford Branch, and Yashur al Faqur (go figure) enter the bar, meeting up with Luther Brewster, before leaving the next day at 4am for Jamaica. Yashur went straight to the bar, while the others decided to greet their host, Luther Brewster. They shared some brews, laughed, met girls, and were off to a fantastic spring break. Then he entered the fray. Luther “the creeper” Brewster came alive.
“It was weird. I’d never really met the guy before, but had really high expectations. I was talking to these two girls, and all of a sudden he came out of nowhere, put his arm around both of the girls, and tried to pick them up. They immediately left, and I never saw them again. Needless to say, he flat out blocked my c0ck,” describes Carrie Oakey. And that’s how it all started.
Stamford Branch had similar results. “I was hittin on this shorty, and I saw him coming,” explains Branch. “I thought to myself, ‘Oh no, don’t do it,’ but as I finished my thought, his arm was around my girl. He tried dropping some game, but it just wasn’t working for him. Next thing I know, she says, ‘Well, I just remembered, I need to go meet my friend.’ It was a blatant lie, but I didn’t blame her…he would have crept me out too,” says Branch, shaking his head.
“Yeah I’m pretty sure that’s how the term came about,” recalls Otis Sanderson, long time friend of Luther Brewster. “After that, whenever we saw a real creep, we would say, ‘That guy is such a Luther Brewster,’” laughs Otis. “And it kinda stuck. People still often use that term, and everyone knows what it means.”
“Well, I didn’t do it to Yashur,” argues Luther Brewster, trying to prove he’s not a creep. And I hate to admit it, but he’s sort of right. He didn’t do it to Yashur. How could he…Yashur wasn’t even talking to girls. He was too busy drinking.
Associated Press Writer, Otis Terrance Sanderson
It was March 11, approximately 11:28pm when Carrie Oakey, Otis Sanderson, Stamford Branch, and Yashur al Faqur (go figure) enter the bar, meeting up with Luther Brewster, before leaving the next day at 4am for Jamaica. Yashur went straight to the bar, while the others decided to greet their host, Luther Brewster. They shared some brews, laughed, met girls, and were off to a fantastic spring break. Then he entered the fray. Luther “the creeper” Brewster came alive.
“It was weird. I’d never really met the guy before, but had really high expectations. I was talking to these two girls, and all of a sudden he came out of nowhere, put his arm around both of the girls, and tried to pick them up. They immediately left, and I never saw them again. Needless to say, he flat out blocked my c0ck,” describes Carrie Oakey. And that’s how it all started.
Stamford Branch had similar results. “I was hittin on this shorty, and I saw him coming,” explains Branch. “I thought to myself, ‘Oh no, don’t do it,’ but as I finished my thought, his arm was around my girl. He tried dropping some game, but it just wasn’t working for him. Next thing I know, she says, ‘Well, I just remembered, I need to go meet my friend.’ It was a blatant lie, but I didn’t blame her…he would have crept me out too,” says Branch, shaking his head.
“Yeah I’m pretty sure that’s how the term came about,” recalls Otis Sanderson, long time friend of Luther Brewster. “After that, whenever we saw a real creep, we would say, ‘That guy is such a Luther Brewster,’” laughs Otis. “And it kinda stuck. People still often use that term, and everyone knows what it means.”
“Well, I didn’t do it to Yashur,” argues Luther Brewster, trying to prove he’s not a creep. And I hate to admit it, but he’s sort of right. He didn’t do it to Yashur. How could he…Yashur wasn’t even talking to girls. He was too busy drinking.
Associated Press Writer, Otis Terrance Sanderson
FAQUR HEARS A HOO
Plattsburgh, NY: There are such a variety of world records out there that some of them are disturbing. For instance, the guy with the longest fingernails…disgusting. The guy who can squirt milk the out of his eye the longest distance…gross. The guy with the most piercing on his entire body…looks like an ephing pin cushion. And then there are some highly impressive, clean, well trimmed records. And two of them belong to the Norton family.
Yashur al Faqur has never in his life seen his father without a beard. "That damn thing is older than I am," jokes a laughing Faqur, but he is dead serious. "It's not one of those scraggily, haggard, hard and crusty beards either," contributes long time friend of the Faqur's, Carrie Oakey. "It's very well groomed, well kept, and I can't think of a better man to present such a wonderful, natural trophy of beauty."
"I used to play Little League against the brothers Faqur, and I still remember one play where I was at shortstop, and I didn't even get the grounder hit to me because I couldn't take my eyes off of the beard," recalls Otis Sanderson. "Back then, I didn't see too many beards, so seeing one of this caliber was beyond my belief!" Faqur's beard is, and always has been, very well kept. It's not one of those ones that covers the full neck the whole way around the head, looking like it could be a helmet. It's very neatly trimmed. Even back in 1996, Barry Norton claimed "'Beard of the 'Burgh," a title he still holds to this day, and has ever since.
And then there's Matt Norton. "Nicest lip raccoon ever!" exclaims Luther Brewster. "Hands down. When I first saw that thing, I thought 'he has to be a molester.' Then I got a closer look. I was wrong. It's not sparse enough to be the 'stache of a molester. That thing is nice, it's thick, and it covers the whole lip, but doesn't extend too far out. Well done Matt Norton, well done." Norton first grew his 'stache as part of an act for Halloween. It got such a good response that he's often times re-grown it, each time coming in fuller and thicker than the previous. "He must be able to create a beautiful milk mustache," says Rufus Feldmore, very excitedly. "Sometimes I think about ways in which I could get him to carefully trim off just a thin layer of lip to hold the hairs together so I can place it on my upper lip," says Feldmore, obviously disturbed in the head. "If he could manage that, he could see it on Ebay! He could just keep growing them, cutting them, and selling them, and he'd make a fortune!" In response to this recent comment, brother Yashur anxiously replies, "Yeah, he should! Then he can sell them for Brew money!"
“Hell yeah!” cried out an excited Stamford Branch when asked if he’d be interested in purchasing an authentic Matt Norton Lip ‘Coon. I’d probably buy six or seven!
While Papa Norton and Matty Norton grow pieces of history, Yasur will some day be in the same book…probably for some record involving drinking.
Contributing Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Yashur al Faqur has never in his life seen his father without a beard. "That damn thing is older than I am," jokes a laughing Faqur, but he is dead serious. "It's not one of those scraggily, haggard, hard and crusty beards either," contributes long time friend of the Faqur's, Carrie Oakey. "It's very well groomed, well kept, and I can't think of a better man to present such a wonderful, natural trophy of beauty."
"I used to play Little League against the brothers Faqur, and I still remember one play where I was at shortstop, and I didn't even get the grounder hit to me because I couldn't take my eyes off of the beard," recalls Otis Sanderson. "Back then, I didn't see too many beards, so seeing one of this caliber was beyond my belief!" Faqur's beard is, and always has been, very well kept. It's not one of those ones that covers the full neck the whole way around the head, looking like it could be a helmet. It's very neatly trimmed. Even back in 1996, Barry Norton claimed "'Beard of the 'Burgh," a title he still holds to this day, and has ever since.
And then there's Matt Norton. "Nicest lip raccoon ever!" exclaims Luther Brewster. "Hands down. When I first saw that thing, I thought 'he has to be a molester.' Then I got a closer look. I was wrong. It's not sparse enough to be the 'stache of a molester. That thing is nice, it's thick, and it covers the whole lip, but doesn't extend too far out. Well done Matt Norton, well done." Norton first grew his 'stache as part of an act for Halloween. It got such a good response that he's often times re-grown it, each time coming in fuller and thicker than the previous. "He must be able to create a beautiful milk mustache," says Rufus Feldmore, very excitedly. "Sometimes I think about ways in which I could get him to carefully trim off just a thin layer of lip to hold the hairs together so I can place it on my upper lip," says Feldmore, obviously disturbed in the head. "If he could manage that, he could see it on Ebay! He could just keep growing them, cutting them, and selling them, and he'd make a fortune!" In response to this recent comment, brother Yashur anxiously replies, "Yeah, he should! Then he can sell them for Brew money!"
“Hell yeah!” cried out an excited Stamford Branch when asked if he’d be interested in purchasing an authentic Matt Norton Lip ‘Coon. I’d probably buy six or seven!
While Papa Norton and Matty Norton grow pieces of history, Yasur will some day be in the same book…probably for some record involving drinking.
Contributing Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
MAILMAN DELIVERS KIDS
Plattsburgh, NY (AP): Many children look to their fathers and big brothers as role models. Some children, however, don’t have either in their lives during their youth. These children look to follow in the footsteps of such leaders like firefighters, teachers, coaches, mailmen, bankers, or even athletes. And some look up to their bus driver.
Jordan “the Mail Man” Maille is has been driving bus for 4 years now, and has not had one complaint about him. “I think it’s great,” says long time friend Luther Brewster. “The kids get on the bus early in the morning, and Jordan immediately makes their day. He’s a funny guy, a great driver, and just looking at him makes you smile,” says Brewster. “He reminds me of Chris Farley in Billy Madison!”
It’s very common for today’s college age kids to forget about the youth and focus on drugs, alcohol, and women. Jordan, however, can focus on all four. “During the day, the kids are my life. I get up in the morning, get in my bus, and each time I stop at the end of their driveway it brings joy and glory to my face. And the best part about it is seeing the excitement in their little eyes as they step up into my bus,” recalls Maille, as he down a nice sandwich.
“It makes me wish that I had taken the bus to school when I was in kindergarten,” claims Otis Sanderson. “All you hear about now-a-days is how the best part of their day is the bus ride to school. It is people like Jordan that this world needs more of. Good people who make a difference in the community.”
“I mean, when I’m creepily walking through the playground behind my house at recess time (coincidence, I think not), they little kids don’t even acknowledge me, all they do is talk about how they can’t wait to board the bus for the ride home,” admits a handcuffed Chris Ortloff.
“I think it’s the funniest thing,” says Carrie Oakey. “We know him as a friend, a fellow drinker, one of us. But to the kids, he much more than one of us. He’s a hero. He gives them faith that, yes, there is hope for the youths of today. In my eyes, he’s the real American Idol.”
“He’s got the perfect personality,” Rufus Feldmore explains. “If a kid is having a bad day, Jordan’s the kind of guy who will make the kid laugh. I mean, look at him. His hair! And he wears a headband! And that ugly American jacket he has with the American flag on one sleeve and a bald eagle on the other. How do you not laugh at that. I hope he’s still driving bus when I have kids.”
“Big deal!” cries an upset Stamford Branch. “I teach little kids, so I’m with them all day long!” exclaims Branch, obviously jealous that Jordan is getting all the recognition.
Yes Stamford, you are with them more than Jordan. But you don’t drive them to school in a sweet bus and let them listen to music their parents don’t let them listen to. That’s Jordan’s job!
Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Jordan “the Mail Man” Maille is has been driving bus for 4 years now, and has not had one complaint about him. “I think it’s great,” says long time friend Luther Brewster. “The kids get on the bus early in the morning, and Jordan immediately makes their day. He’s a funny guy, a great driver, and just looking at him makes you smile,” says Brewster. “He reminds me of Chris Farley in Billy Madison!”
It’s very common for today’s college age kids to forget about the youth and focus on drugs, alcohol, and women. Jordan, however, can focus on all four. “During the day, the kids are my life. I get up in the morning, get in my bus, and each time I stop at the end of their driveway it brings joy and glory to my face. And the best part about it is seeing the excitement in their little eyes as they step up into my bus,” recalls Maille, as he down a nice sandwich.
“It makes me wish that I had taken the bus to school when I was in kindergarten,” claims Otis Sanderson. “All you hear about now-a-days is how the best part of their day is the bus ride to school. It is people like Jordan that this world needs more of. Good people who make a difference in the community.”
“I mean, when I’m creepily walking through the playground behind my house at recess time (coincidence, I think not), they little kids don’t even acknowledge me, all they do is talk about how they can’t wait to board the bus for the ride home,” admits a handcuffed Chris Ortloff.
“I think it’s the funniest thing,” says Carrie Oakey. “We know him as a friend, a fellow drinker, one of us. But to the kids, he much more than one of us. He’s a hero. He gives them faith that, yes, there is hope for the youths of today. In my eyes, he’s the real American Idol.”
“He’s got the perfect personality,” Rufus Feldmore explains. “If a kid is having a bad day, Jordan’s the kind of guy who will make the kid laugh. I mean, look at him. His hair! And he wears a headband! And that ugly American jacket he has with the American flag on one sleeve and a bald eagle on the other. How do you not laugh at that. I hope he’s still driving bus when I have kids.”
“Big deal!” cries an upset Stamford Branch. “I teach little kids, so I’m with them all day long!” exclaims Branch, obviously jealous that Jordan is getting all the recognition.
Yes Stamford, you are with them more than Jordan. But you don’t drive them to school in a sweet bus and let them listen to music their parents don’t let them listen to. That’s Jordan’s job!
Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
FELDMORE: MIGHT AS WELL CALL HIM PIMPMORE
Albany, NY: It’s every college guy’s dream to go out and get tanked on a Friday night and bring home a lady. It’s every man’s dream to walk down the street and have the ladies stare at him, watching his every move. It’s every little boy’s dream to grow up to be Rufus Feldmore.
“I’ve seen it! It’s unbelievable!” cries long time friend, Carrie Oakey. “It’s like magic. He drops a pick up line, and the next thing you know, she’s dropping her drawers.” What makes Feldmore so special is that he doesn’t go out on a Friday night to hunt. He IS the prey. And the ladies are the predators. “As soon as he steps into a bar, all the other guys get up and leave,” explains Oakey. “They’ve seen it happen before. They realize that they have no chance if he’s around.”
“It’s not just your typical lonely, so-so girls that he gets though,” says fellow Brew-mate, Otis Sanderson. “These girls are tens. These are the girls that other girls hate, simply because they can’t compete with them. Some of the girls I’ve seen Feldmore with can’t even speak English. But he still reels them in some how,” Sanderson says, shaking his head in amazement.
“Babes!” cries an excited Luther Brewster. “And let me tell you something…these girls drink a lot of milk. A LOT OF MILK! I mean, I don’t even know what half of his girls look like because I can’t take my eyes off of the body. The curves on some of his women…wow! Nice hourglass shape, beautiful hair, nice tight deuce…I tell you, the kid is incredible. I don’t know how he does it, but I have to applaud him.”
“It gets a little annoying,” says a modest Rufus Feldmore, the man himself. “I mean, I go out to have a good time and have a few Brews with my buddies, and all of a sudden, I’m swarmed with ladies and I can’t even talk to my boys.” Yeah, we feel bad for you buddy. Most people dream of Feldmore’s misfortunes. Yashur al Faqur adds, “I don’t even care about the girls. I just like to get wasted! I just like to back it up on them, hoping they’ll buy me drinks.”
Though most people admire him, and many envy his fortunes, one particular friend selfishly uses him. “I like to walk next to him and hang out with him, cuz then the girls are always looking my way,” explains Stamford Branch.
Yes Stamford, they are looking in your direction. But it’s because they can’t take their eyes off Rufus Feldmore, pimp of the year.
Contributing Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
“I’ve seen it! It’s unbelievable!” cries long time friend, Carrie Oakey. “It’s like magic. He drops a pick up line, and the next thing you know, she’s dropping her drawers.” What makes Feldmore so special is that he doesn’t go out on a Friday night to hunt. He IS the prey. And the ladies are the predators. “As soon as he steps into a bar, all the other guys get up and leave,” explains Oakey. “They’ve seen it happen before. They realize that they have no chance if he’s around.”
“It’s not just your typical lonely, so-so girls that he gets though,” says fellow Brew-mate, Otis Sanderson. “These girls are tens. These are the girls that other girls hate, simply because they can’t compete with them. Some of the girls I’ve seen Feldmore with can’t even speak English. But he still reels them in some how,” Sanderson says, shaking his head in amazement.
“Babes!” cries an excited Luther Brewster. “And let me tell you something…these girls drink a lot of milk. A LOT OF MILK! I mean, I don’t even know what half of his girls look like because I can’t take my eyes off of the body. The curves on some of his women…wow! Nice hourglass shape, beautiful hair, nice tight deuce…I tell you, the kid is incredible. I don’t know how he does it, but I have to applaud him.”
“It gets a little annoying,” says a modest Rufus Feldmore, the man himself. “I mean, I go out to have a good time and have a few Brews with my buddies, and all of a sudden, I’m swarmed with ladies and I can’t even talk to my boys.” Yeah, we feel bad for you buddy. Most people dream of Feldmore’s misfortunes. Yashur al Faqur adds, “I don’t even care about the girls. I just like to get wasted! I just like to back it up on them, hoping they’ll buy me drinks.”
Though most people admire him, and many envy his fortunes, one particular friend selfishly uses him. “I like to walk next to him and hang out with him, cuz then the girls are always looking my way,” explains Stamford Branch.
Yes Stamford, they are looking in your direction. But it’s because they can’t take their eyes off Rufus Feldmore, pimp of the year.
Contributing Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
BREWSTER TURNS 26
New York City, NY (AP): It was the same day the newspapers around the globe read, "Obama Wins Election." It was the day, exactly two years later, that Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death. It was the day, exactly 251 years later, that Frederick the Great defeated the allied armies of France and the Holy Roman Empire in the Seven Years' War. It was THE day that Luther Brewster completed his 26 trip around the sun.
Plattsburgh native and Manhattan resident Luther Brewster, well known for his sweet Brewing skills accompanied by a snazzy rendition of Grease's "Summer Nights," turned 26 years young at 1:44pm yesterday. When asked around 1:42 in the afternoon how it felt to be that old, he simply and calmly replied, "I'll tell you in two minutes." To many, a birthday is a really big deal. To Luther though, it was just an ordinary day. "No," he replied with a slight chuckle, "I didn't go out last night. I'm a mature working man now, I can't be living the life of the college student that I once was. However, come the weekend, I'll celebrate more than Mom and Dad did when they found out you were normal and didn't have mental problems," Brewster said hastily towards the annoying reported, his brother Otis. Apparently, Otis was thought of as "special," but after some tests, he turned out to be normal.
"Wow!" yelped Carrie Oakey. "Luther has 9490 yesterdays under his belt, and doesn't look a day over 23! I can't wait 'til I get that old," said a joyous, young, cute Oakey with a big bright smile upon his face. "I've known Luther for many days, (just under a year actually) and I've never been more proud. He's very ripe with maturity, and he certainly, again, does not look his age one bit!"
"I played Little League against him, and he was so much bigger and stronger and older," admits a somewhat jealous Yashur al Faqur. "I remember he played the same years as my big brother. And now, they even live in the same city, but my brother has a sick mustache to show his age, and Luther doesn't have anything to show his," jolts Faqur, implying that his brother is so much better than Luther. "But still, it's still very exciting that he just had a birthday 'cuz that means we get to drink!" exclaims the alcoholic side of Faqur, now pretending that he doesn't have beef with Brewster.
When asked how he felt the day he turned 26, Stamford Brank frustratedly replied, "Otis, you KNOW I'm younger than you! I'm only 25!"
And like Matthew Norton, Stamford has something to show his age too. A nice hole in his hair upon his dome.
Contributing Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Plattsburgh native and Manhattan resident Luther Brewster, well known for his sweet Brewing skills accompanied by a snazzy rendition of Grease's "Summer Nights," turned 26 years young at 1:44pm yesterday. When asked around 1:42 in the afternoon how it felt to be that old, he simply and calmly replied, "I'll tell you in two minutes." To many, a birthday is a really big deal. To Luther though, it was just an ordinary day. "No," he replied with a slight chuckle, "I didn't go out last night. I'm a mature working man now, I can't be living the life of the college student that I once was. However, come the weekend, I'll celebrate more than Mom and Dad did when they found out you were normal and didn't have mental problems," Brewster said hastily towards the annoying reported, his brother Otis. Apparently, Otis was thought of as "special," but after some tests, he turned out to be normal.
"Wow!" yelped Carrie Oakey. "Luther has 9490 yesterdays under his belt, and doesn't look a day over 23! I can't wait 'til I get that old," said a joyous, young, cute Oakey with a big bright smile upon his face. "I've known Luther for many days, (just under a year actually) and I've never been more proud. He's very ripe with maturity, and he certainly, again, does not look his age one bit!"
"I played Little League against him, and he was so much bigger and stronger and older," admits a somewhat jealous Yashur al Faqur. "I remember he played the same years as my big brother. And now, they even live in the same city, but my brother has a sick mustache to show his age, and Luther doesn't have anything to show his," jolts Faqur, implying that his brother is so much better than Luther. "But still, it's still very exciting that he just had a birthday 'cuz that means we get to drink!" exclaims the alcoholic side of Faqur, now pretending that he doesn't have beef with Brewster.
When asked how he felt the day he turned 26, Stamford Brank frustratedly replied, "Otis, you KNOW I'm younger than you! I'm only 25!"
And like Matthew Norton, Stamford has something to show his age too. A nice hole in his hair upon his dome.
Contributing Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
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