It was a warm April afternoon for opening day at South Platt Field where an American League match-up of epic proportions took place pitting old foes Fountain and Lucas against Pepsi in a battle that would go a long way in determining dominance in the Plattsburgh Little League...
Led into battle by the unstoppable father-son tandem of Bashur and Yashur al Faqur, Pepsi looked primed to rebound after a difficult end to their season last year in the "B" division championship at the hands of Johnson's Auto Glass. Clearly intimidated by Corey Manion's rat tail, Pepsi's top pitcher, Kevin Hart, proceeded to walk the first 9 batters he faced, before Manager al Faqur finally came in with the hook and replaced him with Jake Kravitz, who had missed the last 3 games leading up to the playoffs due to an unfortunate Sega Genesis incident at Tim De Lise's house on Grace avenue.
Coach al Faqur, looking to continue his legendary coaching career, will find it difficult to fulfill lofty expectations after becoming the first coach in the modern era to lead both Little League and PYS teams wearing the same pair of sweatpants that he had around his ankles with the vivacious Jashur al Faqur the night before. "It's definitely a challenge to follow up on something like that, Coach al Faqur, declared, but I'm determined to put forth my best effort."
The younger al Faqur was looking to follow-up a tremendous 9-year old campaign in which he led the league in doubles and became the first rookie ever to pound six juice boxes, one for each inning in a game. "What can I say, Yashur boasted, I'm a phenomenal drinker. It probably bodes well for my future in Babe Ruth, when I can move up to Gatorade."
Fountain and Lucas, the defending champion, having beaten Sun Foods in the championship the year before, was also looking to achieve lofty goals this year. Led by 12-year old standouts Otis Sanderson and Luther Brewster, they certainly have the experience needed to go all the way and repeat. When asked about last years championship against Sun Foods (who would later reform as Hannaford's after the tough loss) Otis Sanderson replied, "It was a tough match-up for sure, but we had Coach Hector (referring to legendary coach, Hector Duquette) on our side, and I would put any of my baseball cards up against any team as long as we have Coach Hector."
"I was a little intimidated by Sun Foods' catcher, Stamford Branch, Luther Brewster announced. Did you see him? He had chest hair when he was 10! And I swear he drove to Game 3 in a mini-van!" Needless to say all questions about Branch's eligibility were raised and answered at the annual draft, held earlier in the month at the 4th Ward.
Fountain and Lucas boasted a cast of characters that would make even the Bad News Bears blush. "We definitely have a good team this year", said Jordan Maille, wearing a specially made jersey touting the prideful orange colors of the "Lucas". "We are going to make that convenience store proud this year!"
Looking at some of the other teams and spectators taking in opening day, there seems to be quite a debate on who will take the title.
"I don't even care about Little League", 9 year old Rufus Feldmore shouted. "More girls play soccer and hockey. That's why I play, for the girls!" True to his word, Feldmore had held hands with more girls than anyone in the history of PYH. However, in taking in the festivities at South Platt, Feldmore seemed to sense a new challenge for himself. "Maybe I should join Little League, some of these girls look good in their stirrups."
(Editorial note: Rufus Feldmore would later be caught in the ice cream truck between games with Hannaford's center-fielder, Debbie Davis, who would later miss the team’s game with an apparent brain freeze from a Slurpee, a terrible loss for the defending National League champs.)
As the games began, other players from teams began to take note of the action on the field, firing themselves up with a quick game of "Pepper". Meyer Video 2nd baseman, Carrie Oakey however, prepared in another way. "I'd much rather pump my fist to some Phil Collins", Oakey stated. "It gets me in the zone. Besides, I'd much rather be playing tennis anyways."
The fans certainly had an eye on the talent as well. "Look at that boy. He's pretty," 7-year old Ali Pellerin continued to shout from the sandbox at Oakey. "Will you build a sandcastle with me"? Oakey, obviously distracted, would go on to give up his last 3 years of Little League eligibility, skipping away with Pellerin to focus on what else...sand castles, tennis, and the great Phil Collins.
"What a cute couple," Jashur al Faqur exclaimed from the stands. Turning back to the field, she rooted on her Pepsi boys. However, they would ultimately succumb to the tough pitching of Taylor Stone and his impressive mohawk, 3-2, after Yashur al Faqur struck out looking with the tying run on second to end the game. Coach al Faqur, could be heard telling Yahsur to use his brother Mashur's "rec specs" next time. They obvious work a lot better than whatever you are wearing," Coach al Faqur declared. "But we'll get them next time, and you still slugged 8 juice boxes. Now that's impressive!" "Let's go get some ice cream"
Needless to say, it is shaping up to be quite a year in the Plattsburgh Little League.
More reports soon to come...
Stamford Branch,
Sanderson Times: Boston Office
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
INFLUENTIAL INFORMATION INSIDERS
Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods. Phil Collins. The Easter Bunny. Osama Bin Laden. Tina Turner. Yashur al Faqur. Michael Phelps. These are names we are all familiar with for being the very best at their own skills. We all find a niche, and we intend to dominate that sector, whether it be sports, music, hopping around, drinking, destructing, or dancing. One start-up publication has turned from a low-scale, low subscription press, to a mega-high volume, world-renown satirical newspaper.
"I'm speechless," says the stunned Otis T. Sanderson, "When I first created this newspaper I didn't have high expectations. I just wanted to have a little fun, make a joke or two. I never thought it'd turn into the powerhouse that it is today!"
Well, your lowest expectations have created a mastermind company that The Wall Street Journal and New York Times are envious of. "I can't believe people take this publication seriously. My workers and I are out there everyday, bringing you up to date news dealing with economics, businesses, and everything that actually matters," explains disgruntled Wall Street Journal CEO Fernando Aguirre, "This is erroneous!"
"Sure, some may not take us seriously, but our writers really know how to connect with all different varieties of the public," explains long time writer, Luther Brewster, "We've expanded our employees to include all different races and genders, which open us up to new subscribers."
"Yeah, I almost quit the other day when we accepted not only a woman, but a black woman at that," states an angry Rufus Feldmore, "I mean, I'm so much better than them, and above them. They should be proof-reading my work at most. Whatever, as long as the women are below me (literally and figuratively) then I guess it's acceptable."
"I'm so grateful to be a part of the staff here," explains the second newest member, Ronaldo Applebottom, "I really enjoy writing for this paper. They let me use my imagination and write about whatever I want, it's great! And I can finally afford to purchase a new car and get rid of this wretched minivan!"
"I'm just happy I have more cash to get more bling," says newest member, O'nohie Diddent. "It helps me pay for my 5 kids too. It ain't easy ya know? N*gg*s always tryin to be getting me down," says Diddent, as Feldmore rolls his eyes.
"I have so much more time and money to buy more alcohol now," explains the obvious detriment to the team, Yashur Al Fuqur. "I don't have a set schedule, I write on my own time, which is usually half-way between my 7th shot of Jack and 5th brew. I work best when I have a buzz going! It also lets me sleep all day, and it works out great since I have time to attend my court-ordered AA meetings!"
"Yeah, we do have a phenomenal team here at Sanderson Times," said Otis, "unfortunately, I had to take away Yashur's flask while he's in the office. He can do whatever he wants outside of the office, but in here, we mean business."
This company has their head on straight. They plan to go public within a few weeks, and coincidentally, to their complete and utter dismay, the Wall Street Journal expects this company to skyrocket and have one of the most booming stocks of the decade!
I must say, as the fellow Chief Staff Writer for this publication, I am proud of my staff. We all have our own styles, our own quirks, but we deliver the news, and we deliver it in style. We bring our "A" game every time we write, and we write with our heart, which is our number one factor in surmounting such an exceptional rise to the top. I hope our staff has a great Holiday season, they all have deserved it.
Until Next Time,
Carrie Oakey
"I'm speechless," says the stunned Otis T. Sanderson, "When I first created this newspaper I didn't have high expectations. I just wanted to have a little fun, make a joke or two. I never thought it'd turn into the powerhouse that it is today!"
Well, your lowest expectations have created a mastermind company that The Wall Street Journal and New York Times are envious of. "I can't believe people take this publication seriously. My workers and I are out there everyday, bringing you up to date news dealing with economics, businesses, and everything that actually matters," explains disgruntled Wall Street Journal CEO Fernando Aguirre, "This is erroneous!"
"Sure, some may not take us seriously, but our writers really know how to connect with all different varieties of the public," explains long time writer, Luther Brewster, "We've expanded our employees to include all different races and genders, which open us up to new subscribers."
"Yeah, I almost quit the other day when we accepted not only a woman, but a black woman at that," states an angry Rufus Feldmore, "I mean, I'm so much better than them, and above them. They should be proof-reading my work at most. Whatever, as long as the women are below me (literally and figuratively) then I guess it's acceptable."
"I'm so grateful to be a part of the staff here," explains the second newest member, Ronaldo Applebottom, "I really enjoy writing for this paper. They let me use my imagination and write about whatever I want, it's great! And I can finally afford to purchase a new car and get rid of this wretched minivan!"
"I'm just happy I have more cash to get more bling," says newest member, O'nohie Diddent. "It helps me pay for my 5 kids too. It ain't easy ya know? N*gg*s always tryin to be getting me down," says Diddent, as Feldmore rolls his eyes.
"I have so much more time and money to buy more alcohol now," explains the obvious detriment to the team, Yashur Al Fuqur. "I don't have a set schedule, I write on my own time, which is usually half-way between my 7th shot of Jack and 5th brew. I work best when I have a buzz going! It also lets me sleep all day, and it works out great since I have time to attend my court-ordered AA meetings!"
"Yeah, we do have a phenomenal team here at Sanderson Times," said Otis, "unfortunately, I had to take away Yashur's flask while he's in the office. He can do whatever he wants outside of the office, but in here, we mean business."
This company has their head on straight. They plan to go public within a few weeks, and coincidentally, to their complete and utter dismay, the Wall Street Journal expects this company to skyrocket and have one of the most booming stocks of the decade!
I must say, as the fellow Chief Staff Writer for this publication, I am proud of my staff. We all have our own styles, our own quirks, but we deliver the news, and we deliver it in style. We bring our "A" game every time we write, and we write with our heart, which is our number one factor in surmounting such an exceptional rise to the top. I hope our staff has a great Holiday season, they all have deserved it.
Until Next Time,
Carrie Oakey
FLASHBACK
This week last year
Senior Ali Pellerin scores Seton’s last goal of the season in a 1-0 victory over Beekmantown, as the lady Knights’ soccer team finishes 15-5. She then, just two days later, won her first swim meet, setting a CVAC record for the breaststroke, with a time of 0:43:12. Her dad celebrated by pounding a 12 pack right in the stands, and was asked to leave immediately.
This week, 3 years ago
Carrie Oakey nets 18 points and somehow comes up with 12 rebounds, despite being the 5’2” starting point guard for Seton Catholic. Two days later, he scores 27 to lead Seton over Moriah, accompanied by his 4 steals and 13 assists.
Yashur al Faqur, also a member of the boy’s Varsity basketball team, sustained his suspension from the following year for alcohol abuse, which disobeyed the code of conduct. Although a standout 6th man the year before, the suspension has punished him and the Knights for the first 7 games of the season.
Rufus Feldmore scores Seton’s first 3 goals of the game as the Knights go on to beat the Chiefs, 6-2. In their next game, the following night, Feldmore assisted on 2 goals and added another 2, leading the Knights to a tournament championship. He left the tournament with the other team’s coach’s wife.
This week, 7 years ago
Luther Brewster bowls a 162, leading the PHS boys JV bowling team to yet another victory. Despite being a team low, the 162 was a personal best and “helped” secure his team to the win. Three days later he pumped out an astonishing 203, and got bumped up to Varsity for the following week. It has been rumored that one of his rolls was headed straight for the gutter when he quickly reached out and knocked it back on track with his extra long index finger. No penalty was assessed as no witnesses came forward before his next shot.
Brother Otis Sanderson was there cheering him on, despite bowling his own games on the side, “just for fun.” Sanderson was an “extra.” Three days later, when Luther was moved up, he got his first nod at JV, despite being a senior, and was out-dueled by a seventh grader.
This week, 28 years ago
Stamford “Patch” Branch ran for two touchdowns, and threw for another as PHS lost to MAI in the CVAC Finals, 28-24. Branch would possibly have put PHS ahead, but was tackled on the 4 yard line with only six seconds left to play. Tapes reveal that the MAI defender grabbed Branch’s face, but back then there was no facemasking penalty as their leather helmets lacked facemasks. Three days later, Branch lead PHS basketball to a victory over Saranac, as he sank 22 points and had 8 assists, while wearing very short shorts.
*Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson*
Senior Ali Pellerin scores Seton’s last goal of the season in a 1-0 victory over Beekmantown, as the lady Knights’ soccer team finishes 15-5. She then, just two days later, won her first swim meet, setting a CVAC record for the breaststroke, with a time of 0:43:12. Her dad celebrated by pounding a 12 pack right in the stands, and was asked to leave immediately.
This week, 3 years ago
Carrie Oakey nets 18 points and somehow comes up with 12 rebounds, despite being the 5’2” starting point guard for Seton Catholic. Two days later, he scores 27 to lead Seton over Moriah, accompanied by his 4 steals and 13 assists.
Yashur al Faqur, also a member of the boy’s Varsity basketball team, sustained his suspension from the following year for alcohol abuse, which disobeyed the code of conduct. Although a standout 6th man the year before, the suspension has punished him and the Knights for the first 7 games of the season.
Rufus Feldmore scores Seton’s first 3 goals of the game as the Knights go on to beat the Chiefs, 6-2. In their next game, the following night, Feldmore assisted on 2 goals and added another 2, leading the Knights to a tournament championship. He left the tournament with the other team’s coach’s wife.
This week, 7 years ago
Luther Brewster bowls a 162, leading the PHS boys JV bowling team to yet another victory. Despite being a team low, the 162 was a personal best and “helped” secure his team to the win. Three days later he pumped out an astonishing 203, and got bumped up to Varsity for the following week. It has been rumored that one of his rolls was headed straight for the gutter when he quickly reached out and knocked it back on track with his extra long index finger. No penalty was assessed as no witnesses came forward before his next shot.
Brother Otis Sanderson was there cheering him on, despite bowling his own games on the side, “just for fun.” Sanderson was an “extra.” Three days later, when Luther was moved up, he got his first nod at JV, despite being a senior, and was out-dueled by a seventh grader.
This week, 28 years ago
Stamford “Patch” Branch ran for two touchdowns, and threw for another as PHS lost to MAI in the CVAC Finals, 28-24. Branch would possibly have put PHS ahead, but was tackled on the 4 yard line with only six seconds left to play. Tapes reveal that the MAI defender grabbed Branch’s face, but back then there was no facemasking penalty as their leather helmets lacked facemasks. Three days later, Branch lead PHS basketball to a victory over Saranac, as he sank 22 points and had 8 assists, while wearing very short shorts.
*Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson*
**APPLICATION**
December 18, 2008
Applicant's Name: O'nohie Diddent
Position Desired: Entry Level Writer for Sanderson Times
From: Harlem, New York
Ethnicity: Darky, Black, "Ethnically Challenged"
Previous jobs: KFC Harlem, NY October 2008-December 2008
Reason for leaving: Bein a baby momma for three daddies requires a lot of my time.
SAMPLE ARTICLE
I would like my article pieces to be letters to the paper, similar to Cheers and Jeers in the Press Republican. It will represent the more hood side of the Sanderson Times, and let out all sorts of dirty little secrets.
SWEETS AND SCOFFS
Sweets to Carrie Oakey for baggin the flyest shorty around, Ali P.
Scoffs to Carrie Oakey for looking 12 years old.
Sweets to Otis Sanderson for pounding Cogniac, knowing he's going to vomit in 2 seconds.
Scoffs to Otis Sanderson for sneaking into the Saranac Middle School dance to try to hook up with girls.
Sweets to Yashur al Faqur for going out 7 straight nights, and not knowing how he got home.
Scoffs to Yashur al Faqur for going out 7 straight nights, and not knowing how he got home, but deucing himself.
Sweets to Stamford Branch for almost being done graduate school,
Scoffs to Stamford Branch for having the most well known minivan in the United States.
Sweets to Rufus Feldmore for bringin home 5 different shorties last night,
Scoffs to Rufus Feldmore for giving gonorrhea to 5 different bitties last night.
Sweets to Luther Brewster for travelin all over the East Coast with his ball and chain,
Scoffs to Luther Brewster for stealing his own brother's shorties and having the most creepy index finger known to man.
Sweets to Randy Lozier for being funny and outgoing,
Scoffs to Randy Lozier for never looking me straight in the eye.
Giving you the word on the street,
The Late Night Special,
O'nohie Diddent
Applicant's Name: O'nohie Diddent
Position Desired: Entry Level Writer for Sanderson Times
From: Harlem, New York
Ethnicity: Darky, Black, "Ethnically Challenged"
Previous jobs: KFC Harlem, NY October 2008-December 2008
Reason for leaving: Bein a baby momma for three daddies requires a lot of my time.
SAMPLE ARTICLE
I would like my article pieces to be letters to the paper, similar to Cheers and Jeers in the Press Republican. It will represent the more hood side of the Sanderson Times, and let out all sorts of dirty little secrets.
SWEETS AND SCOFFS
Sweets to Carrie Oakey for baggin the flyest shorty around, Ali P.
Scoffs to Carrie Oakey for looking 12 years old.
Sweets to Otis Sanderson for pounding Cogniac, knowing he's going to vomit in 2 seconds.
Scoffs to Otis Sanderson for sneaking into the Saranac Middle School dance to try to hook up with girls.
Sweets to Yashur al Faqur for going out 7 straight nights, and not knowing how he got home.
Scoffs to Yashur al Faqur for going out 7 straight nights, and not knowing how he got home, but deucing himself.
Sweets to Stamford Branch for almost being done graduate school,
Scoffs to Stamford Branch for having the most well known minivan in the United States.
Sweets to Rufus Feldmore for bringin home 5 different shorties last night,
Scoffs to Rufus Feldmore for giving gonorrhea to 5 different bitties last night.
Sweets to Luther Brewster for travelin all over the East Coast with his ball and chain,
Scoffs to Luther Brewster for stealing his own brother's shorties and having the most creepy index finger known to man.
Sweets to Randy Lozier for being funny and outgoing,
Scoffs to Randy Lozier for never looking me straight in the eye.
Giving you the word on the street,
The Late Night Special,
O'nohie Diddent
YASHUR THE ALCOHOIC
(Sing to the tune of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer)
You know Stamford and Otis and Luther and Feldmore,
Carrie and Randy and Vernon and Jordan,
But do you recall, the most famous alchy of all?
Yashur the alcoholic
Would never leave or spill a lick
And if you ever saw him
He’d be shooting Jack or Jim
All of the other brewers,
Would go home around one or two,
But you could always count on
finding Yashur at Tabu.
He’ll drink and cut and drink some more,
He’ll go home with a whore,
Yashur with your beer in hand
From Tabu you have been banned.
Then how the barkeeps loved him,
As he single-handedly paid their rent
Yashur the alcoholic,
To the bar each niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight heeeeeeee weeeennnntttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
You know Stamford and Otis and Luther and Feldmore,
Carrie and Randy and Vernon and Jordan,
But do you recall, the most famous alchy of all?
Yashur the alcoholic
Would never leave or spill a lick
And if you ever saw him
He’d be shooting Jack or Jim
All of the other brewers,
Would go home around one or two,
But you could always count on
finding Yashur at Tabu.
He’ll drink and cut and drink some more,
He’ll go home with a whore,
Yashur with your beer in hand
From Tabu you have been banned.
Then how the barkeeps loved him,
As he single-handedly paid their rent
Yashur the alcoholic,
To the bar each niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight heeeeeeee weeeennnntttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
FELDMORE THE BIG HOSED HOT STUD
(Sing to the tune of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer)
You know Stamford and Otis and Luther and Faqur,
Carrie and Randy and Vernon and Jordan,
But do you recall, the most famous hot stud of all?
Feldmore the big hosed hot stud
Had a very long ding dong
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it grows
All of the other hot studs
Used to point and laugh at it
They never let poor Feldmore
Have any girls to bang or hit
Then one day of puberty
It grew and grew some more
Feldmore with your thing so big
Made mine look like berries and a twig.
Then how the studs all hated him
Cuz he made theirs look short and slim
Feldmore the big hosed hot stud
Makes all the shorties’ panties flood!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
You know Stamford and Otis and Luther and Faqur,
Carrie and Randy and Vernon and Jordan,
But do you recall, the most famous hot stud of all?
Feldmore the big hosed hot stud
Had a very long ding dong
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it grows
All of the other hot studs
Used to point and laugh at it
They never let poor Feldmore
Have any girls to bang or hit
Then one day of puberty
It grew and grew some more
Feldmore with your thing so big
Made mine look like berries and a twig.
Then how the studs all hated him
Cuz he made theirs look short and slim
Feldmore the big hosed hot stud
Makes all the shorties’ panties flood!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
CHEERS TO A BOOZEBAG
Yashur al Faqur is what he’s called
He’s got lots of friends, some hairy, some bald
But none can drink as much as he does
He wakes up each morning already with a buzz.
He doesn’t do drugs and he doesn’t smoke
But damn he loves his Jack and Coke.
It pours out his veins, it seeps through his epidermis
He brought beer to first grade in his nice cold thermos.
He loves to funnel, he loves keg stands,
He’s always got a Brew or two wrapped up in his hands.
When a friend walks in the bar Yashur’s always there assisting,
As he’s always got an extra beer, always double-fisting.
He knows all the specials and he knows all the deals,
He goes out eight days a week and skips all his meals.
He knows a good beer, he knows when it’s right,
I recall after a sip he once said, “That’s not Bud Light.”
He’ll drink it if it’s new, he’ll drink it if it’s old,
He’ll drink it if it’s warm, he’ll drink it if it’s cold.
He’ll drink in the city, he’ll drink in the hood,
He’ll out drink you, he’ll even out drink Ryan Atwood.
To find him, you never have to look too far,
You can always find him at the bar.
He’s always sitting there like some drunken fool,
And he’s even got his very own barstool.
Blue light, Coors Light, Keystone, Guinness,
It’s easy for Santa to bring Jeff happiness.
He loves his beer more than his cash,
More than Barry’s beard, more than Matty’s rat ‘stache.
He’s a man of pride, there’s absolutely no quitting,
His only problem is that of admitting,
If you ask him, his drinking habits are fabulous,
But if you ask us, he needs Alcoholics Anonymous.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
He’s got lots of friends, some hairy, some bald
But none can drink as much as he does
He wakes up each morning already with a buzz.
He doesn’t do drugs and he doesn’t smoke
But damn he loves his Jack and Coke.
It pours out his veins, it seeps through his epidermis
He brought beer to first grade in his nice cold thermos.
He loves to funnel, he loves keg stands,
He’s always got a Brew or two wrapped up in his hands.
When a friend walks in the bar Yashur’s always there assisting,
As he’s always got an extra beer, always double-fisting.
He knows all the specials and he knows all the deals,
He goes out eight days a week and skips all his meals.
He knows a good beer, he knows when it’s right,
I recall after a sip he once said, “That’s not Bud Light.”
He’ll drink it if it’s new, he’ll drink it if it’s old,
He’ll drink it if it’s warm, he’ll drink it if it’s cold.
He’ll drink in the city, he’ll drink in the hood,
He’ll out drink you, he’ll even out drink Ryan Atwood.
To find him, you never have to look too far,
You can always find him at the bar.
He’s always sitting there like some drunken fool,
And he’s even got his very own barstool.
Blue light, Coors Light, Keystone, Guinness,
It’s easy for Santa to bring Jeff happiness.
He loves his beer more than his cash,
More than Barry’s beard, more than Matty’s rat ‘stache.
He’s a man of pride, there’s absolutely no quitting,
His only problem is that of admitting,
If you ask him, his drinking habits are fabulous,
But if you ask us, he needs Alcoholics Anonymous.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
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