2014

2014: AN UNPREDICTED FUTURE

Plattsburgh , NY (AP): It’s June 18, 2014, and nobody is what they were five years ago. Everyone must have taken a different path down the road, which led in a completely opposite direction of the path that had been previously chosen. It reminds me of that Seinfeld where Elaine meets new friends, and they’re the complete antithesis of Jerry, George, and Kramer…and even Newman.

Well to start, Yashur Al Fuqer has now been sober for eleven months. Nobody saw that coming. The other day I called him to see if he wanted to go to the new and improved Legends to watch the Yankees play the Royals and get some wings or pizza. The waitress asked if we wanted to start with drinks, so I got a nice cold Coors Light, and Yash ordered a V8, which really struck me funny. I figured he had a flask in his back pocket and was going to throw some Vodka in there or something, but no, he sat there quietly and drank his V8 through his straw. It was not the Yashur I remember from five years ago.

After the game I drove by the Bailey Avenue playground to see if I could find Luther, but he wasn’t there. I called him, and asked what he was up to. He said he was at Fenway Park watching the Sox play. I guess “Tonya,” who lives in Boston , really had a major effect on him. Just to check, I asked if he was rooting against them, but he said no, he was even wearing an old school Ortiz jersey. That didn’t sound like Luther, so I asked him to send me a pic of himself pointing up, giving the #1 sign. He did just that, but again, it wasn’t what I was expecting. His little fore-finger looked like a stub compared to what it used to. Boy, how the times have changed.

So the next day I called Stamford Branch to hang out. We decided to meet up at the local high school girls’ soccer game. He had with him a can of Stax, and a wife beater on. Under that beater were Feldmore-type pecks, smooth and shiny like glass. There wasn’t a single hair busting out of that top. I asked him what he’s been up to and he said he’s taking square-dancing classes. He said that he had his chest hair removed permanently by laser because he’s a swimmer now, and he’s dating the lifeguard. It struck me a bit funny because Stam was the one who used to work at the Y and was in charge of the events, and now he’s the participant. The lifeguard, whom we’ll call “Olive,” has changed him into a romantic, as they slow dance and share a glass of wine every night. The old Stamford would be drinking awful Appleton Rum and violently thrusting his hips.

After we parted ways, I saw Rufus Feldmore sitting down outside the gym, eating an ice cream cone. I stopped and talked with him. He said his wife was inside running on the treadmill and lifting weights. He said he wasn’t into that anymore, and just sat pleasantly outside waiting for her. I asked him how married life was going, and he said it was perfect…just what he always wanted. Just to clear things up, I asked him if he had any sweet pick up lines. He didn’t, as he thinks they’re childish and would be ashamed if I actually wanted to hear one. He said he’s been married for three years, and he treats her very well, as she does him, and they’re both highly against politics. And to top it off, his wife hates milk. Is this the SAME Rufus Feldmore I used to know?

Well anyway, we said our “byes,” and I stopped by Dominoes on my way home. As I left, I saw Carrie Oakey across the street at Subway. I ran over to say hi, and how I would expect to find her at Dominoes or Pizza Hut, but she informed me that she gave up pizza last year, and eats strictly healthy now…no more chicken fingers, no more Wendy’s, and no more pizza. And despite that, Carrie used to be a little cutie! Now she’s all goth, died her hair black, and has a ring through the center of her nose. However, she’s extremely kind, even to people who make her mad like that guy who slammed the door in her face as we walked in. She just said to me, “Wow, he must be having a bad day.” The Carrie that I used to know would have flipped out and spoke her mind, but this new Carrie is so different. I don’t like it.

In fact, I don’t like any of it. I want Yash to be an alcoholic again. I want Luther to like the Yankees and have his big finger back. I want Stamford to switch back from Stax to Pringles, and to shake his hips to Shakira, and go to back to sh!tty Rum. I want him to become the teacher he used to be. And Rufus. I wish he was jacked again, and still played hockey and worked out and ate healthy. I don’t want him to sit and eat ice cream while his wife works out. And WIFE?!?!?!? WTF? He used to get five or six girls a weekend, and now he’s stuck to one? I hate it. She doesn’t even drink ephing milk. And I want Carrie to be cute again. I want her to enjoy pizza and chicken fingers, and eat at Wendy’s at least once a week. I want her to say sly, sarcastic remarks when someone walks all over her.

As for me. I’m sick of dressing up. I hate ties, and more importantly, I hate pleated pants. I want my sweatpants back. And why is there a stupid song called “Call On You?” I want “Call On Me” back so I can fly in the wind. And most of all, I want to be able to eat candy necklaces again. Why can’t we all just go back to our old ways.

People always say to treasure your time while you can, but no one really listens. Well whoever is reading this, listen up. The future may be great, but that’s a gamble. Enjoy your time now with your friends as they are, cuz in five year, who knows, they could become boring losers like mine did.

I wish it was 2009 again.

Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
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