Tales of the Pimp

Jan 6, 2009

Plattsburgh, NY (AP): It was the day after Christmas, and it was time for the Sanderson Times Society to have its first public appearance, with attendance by all staff members. The well-awaited-for meeting took place at Geoffrey’s Pub (might as well call it Yashur’s Pub). Not only were all members in attendance, but there was a warm greeting by fans, and even in some cases, fans-to-be.

The meeting went smoothly, the beer flowed smoothly, and Rufus Feldmore pick up lines worked smoothly. After dropping MILK on Megan “Mardi” Gras, Feldmore made his “play hard to get” move and switched over to the Green Room. And wouldn’t you know it, Mardi followed! As Feldmore was casually chit-chatting with fellow members of the Society, an excited and joyous Mardi ran right up to him and initiated a “sure-hit” conversation.

“That ephing kid,” cries and excited, yet envious Stamford “Patch” Branch, “I don’t know how he does it. I’ve been working that since our junior year, and Feldmore’s on his way to getting her in the sack after ten minutes and a silly milk line that never works.”

“It was a successful meeting,” says Carrie Oakey. “We met up, we threw back some Brew, and Feldmore found a new love. What more can a group of guys ask for in one night? It was well worth the wait.”
Well, the night continued, and so did the drinking, and so did the macking. It grew late, and like many Yashur al Faqur nights, the crew was too drunk to walk home. And that’s when Haley Trombley got the call.

“Can you come pick me up please? You can even take my car,” asked Otis Sanderson into his cell phone whose battery is held in place by a piece of electrical tape since he blacked out one night and somehow lost the backing of his phone. A bit discouraged, she finally agreed, and cruised down a busy Plattsburgh downtown in the small Tiburon. Little did she know she would also be giving a ride to Stamford Branch, Megan Gras, Rufus Feldmore, and Luther Brewster. So they piled in, with Mardi sitting on Feldmore’s lap. It wasn’t until Mardi was dropped off when Rufus Feldmore’s pimpin moves started to creep out into the night. She exited the vehicle, and Feldmore followed for a quick hug, as well as hope of an offer to stay the night. Well, that hope would soon vanish. He bear-hugged her, and with her in his arms, jumped laterally into a snowbank, completely drenching her in her nice clothes before she could escape to a clean, safe, dry bed. And if that wasn’t enough, as she tried to squirm away, he took a handful of snow and splashed it right into her face. She abruptly got up and literally ran towards safety, aka, the door.

“It was unbelievable!” exclaimed onlooker and long time friend, Luther Brewster. “He used Lloyd Christmas moves, and thus, Feldmore made Christmas look like a saint! I don’t care though, if you ask me, Feldmore is a stud! That was such a good move! I would NEVER have the pills to do that, but I’m so glad I got to witness it!”

“After asking, ‘Hunny, do you think KFC is still open,’ and she quickly denied me, I tried to be on my best behavior,” admits Otis Sanderson. “I tried so hard not to laugh and to pretend that I didn’t appreciate women being treated that way, but I just couldn’t keep it in. I forgot about trying to be good for Hales…I was too impressed by Dickson’s sweet moves that I couldn’t hold back. I laughed and laughed and congratulated him.”

“Well, I saw it as an opportunity to lie on top of her,” states a sleezy Feldmore. “Since the milk line did wonders already, I figured I had her wrapped up, but it didn’t occur to me until later that girls don’t like snow thrown in their faces. I guess I blew it, not in the good way, but nonetheless, I’ll get her back. Just you wait. I’ll get her back.”

Meanwhile, Yashur al Faqur was still at Tabu. One report tells us he was sitting at the bar slaying pitchers of Captain and Diet. Another source spotted him passed out on the dance floor. A third witness saw him passed out in a parked car outside of Tabu. Maybe he’ll be all right, who knows? Maybe he’ll get arrested, who knows? And maybe he’s just grabbing a quick nap at the closest spot he could find so that he’ll be ready to get back at it the next morning, who knows?

Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson