AMERICAN BOOZEBAG

Sanderson Times
Jan 14, 2009
AMERICAN BOOZEBAG

Plattsburgh , NY (AP): After airing on the Fox network for the past few years, almost all American’s are familiar with the famous and infamous “American Idol.” Many contestants can actually sing, but you also have those who try out just to be funny and try to get on tv. Well this upcoming July, the nation is hosting a spin-off of the popular reality tv show, and this new show will include the country’s top drinkers…American Boozebag. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, misters and misseses of the North Country , get ready to vote for your very own Yashur Al Fuqer.
The show will consist of America’s lowliest dirtbags, drunkards, and you’ll also have your more normal liquid-downers, such as Wade Boggs and fellow classy guys who can go drink for drink with the aforementioned drunkards, and you’ll have your big, bad, tough, macho sorority boys (that’s right, I called them sorority boys), you’ll have your Yashur Al Fuqers, your old Vietnam veterans, and you’ll even have a few women who think they can out-drink their counterparts. But what we’re interested in is the lone Yashur Al Fuqer, who doesn’t fit any of the other drinking classes. “One could say he’s in a class of his own,” comments long time friend Otis T. Sanderson. “He’s not a crappy frat boy, he’s not an old vet, he’s not the town drunk, though many perceive him to be, and he’s not a dirty homeless dirtbag, so he’s just all by himself. That’s the sign of a true champ right there.”
“I’ve been posting flyers all around the Capital District area,” says Rufus Feldmore, fellow drinker of Yashur’s. “I even posted a ‘Vote For Yashur’ sign on the headboard of my bed…so I know a lot of women will see it,” replies the stuck-up Feldmore, that cocky s.o.b.
“Well, I’ve seen the kid in action, and he can certainly drink,” states Luther Brewster. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to the fifth round…actually, he’s got a really great shot at winning this competition!”
The contest will take place like so. For auditions, each contestant will have to finish a six-pack before performing before the judges, and while it’s his/her turn, she will need to pick a shot out of a hat, finish the shot, and then drink as many brews as he/she can before breaking the seal, vomiting, falling over, or passing out. If that number is greater than 8, he/she goes on to Hollywood .
“We’ve all seen it before. Yash starts out really fast, but can hold his own,” says Stamford Branch, “But then before you know it, he starts backing it up, whether there’s anyone behind him or not. I think that’s the point where it all begins to hit him, and he starts going downhill from there,” laughs the semi-optimistic Branch, as he’s realizing that Yashur’s got a great advantage to making Hollywood, but who knows what’s to come in later rounds.
“If the show involves drinking games, I think Yash will certainly do the North Country proud,” boasts Carrie Oakey, while fist-pumping. “I can’t recall a time, ever, where he didn’t come in first in a drinking game. Whether it’s a race, cards, most beers, longest duration drinking, Mr. Busch’s Drinking game…no matter what game, he always seems to come out on top. He’s going to be the first American Boozebag!”
Who knows, maybe a later round will involve drunk dancing? Maybe there will be Beer Pong? Maybe he’ll have to do drunken karaoke? But whatever is to come, everyone knows who they’re already voting for…and the competition hasn’t even started. Jordan Maille already threw down half a grand on Fuqer, but that doesn’t tell you much.

Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson