The Society, 2020

The Society, 2020

Plattsburgh , NY (AP): I was recently sitting back in my chair and thinking about all the good times we’ve had as the Sanderson Times Society. And that lead to another thought. A thought about where we will all be in a few years and what we’ll be doing. And then I just let out a slight chuckle, as I realized that our futures have already been told by our pasts.

It’s a given where Yashur Al Fuqer will be. In eleven years when any of us stumble into the Green Room, we know we’ll find Yash either at the bar slurring, or if we walk in late, we’ll find him passed out from drunkenness and tiresome from cutting.’ And if we go downtown really late, we’ll find him passed out on the curb because he’ll have already been kicked out. But no matter what time we go downtown on any day in the year 2020, we can surely count on finding the alcoholic himself slicing through the boards on the dancefloor, and then curled up in the fetal position after his body liquefies and shuts down for a few hours while he detoxifies.

As for Carrie Oakey, well, her best years are still to come. She’s so cute that I foresee her with a nice family, probably married to some hoodlum like O’nohie Diddent. I see her with three kids, whom she has pleasant nicknames for, such as pumpkin, muffin, and peanut. I see her as a woman of charm, as she is a given cutie-pie. She will appear cute on the outside, but when one rubs her the wrong way, I foresee her vocalizing her strong feelings, not holding back, and perhaps getting a few restraints. But nonetheless, I still see her busting out sick fist-pumps, no matter the place, no matter the crowd, and no matter how white she is at a Beenie Man rap concert.

I see Otis following more along the lines of Yashur’s future, spending many nights at the bar, and thrusting many-a-hip. Otis will surely need a hip replacement or two from viciously firing off hip-thrusts to “Call On Me.” He may even get a call to be in a music video. And maybe not in 2020, but at some point, I see him being the Times’ Man of the Year…maybe it’ll be Times the magazine, or maybe it’ll be the Sanderson Times, but he’s bound to receive national recognition for starting a company of this caliber.

Rufus…Oh, Rufus Feldmore. After suffering two violent divorces, I see him giving up on trying to keep it to one woman at a time, and he’ll turn back into the pimp he was/is back in his late teens, early-late twenties. Though he’ll probably have eight or nine uncounted-for illegitimate children, he will not be raising any, and he’ll stay a proud, busy bachelor for his remaining years to come. He’ll be spotted several times at huge events, such as the Golden Globe Awards, as he’ll be the date of a gorgeous, famous, lucky lady. In 2020, he’ll come in second place in the Mr. Northeast USA competition, only because he’ll have slept with the judge’s wife, and pounded his youngest daughter.

Which brings me to my next vision, Luther Brewster. He’ll be that guy who creeps around the playground, pretending he’s working on his golf swing. He’ll occasionally hit a ball, only to “have to” get closer to the monkey bars for a better look. But he’ll also have his fantasy life, in which he’ll be madly wed to T-bitty, and they’ll have a sick relationship. Let’s relate Brewster to Pinnochio, and T-bitty to Gepedo, and when Brewster lies, his right pointer/index finger grows. So T-bitty keeps asking ridiculous questions so that Brewster is forced to lie, in which the pleasure grows uncontrollably great from yards away. He’ll have his name in the Guinness Book of World Records…for longest index finger.

And then there’s Stamford Branch. By the year 2020, I’m sorry, but you’ll have been in your 90’s. But we’ll always remember you. That’s a joke. Well, not the we’ll always remember you part, cuz we would, but that you’ll be in your 90’s. Although leading the team in age, he’ll be tied with Sanderson for hip replacements. Branch will be featured in a techno remake of Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” video, in which he’ll break out his Dino Dance, which will be the fad of the 20’s. He’ll have retired as a creepy school teacher, and will take up a part time job of sealing envelopes. He will have several slogans out there which will be used in commercials and pep-rallies. An example: There will be a Boston family with a very strong accent having a nice picnic. The father will say, “Mahk (Mark), did you grab the sandwiches out of the cah (car)?” And the wife will sort through the picnic basket, grab one and say, “Here you go Hunny.” Mark will turn to his father and loudly belch, “Well I muuuuuuuuuustaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And although we’ll all have gone our individual ways, all paths will connect. For once one is inducted into the Sanderson Times Society, he/she remains connected to the fellow members by monthly meetings. Even Diddent is still invited. Yeah, she’ll have to be our little b*tch, and if Otis wants a Brew you better believe Diddent will get Otis a Brew, but she’ll still be invited. Because we’re a Society. We all have our place in this society, and in 2020, things won’t have changed. Yashur will surely be the alcoholic he is today, Oakey will still be cute, Sanderson and Branch will have thrusting hips and honest hips, respectively, Feldmore will be a pimp, and Brewster will have a really long index finger. Why? Because that’s the way we mustah.

Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
CEO