Spinoffs

"The Sanderson Spotlight"


Spin offs. What would MTV and VH1 be without them? Nothing. They take Laguna Beach and you get the Hills; from the Hills you get the City and Bromance. Bromance, I've never seen such a horrid piece of trash since that time I hooked up with Barb Maille during my "experimental" years in college. Hey, those liberal art schools get crazy!

On VH1 you get Flavor of Love, into I Love New York, into now a Real Chance At Love which features two gang-busting thugs (who probably can't spell "gang" or "busting" or "thug" or even "MTV") and girls pretending that they actually are interested in these shallow wanna-be street runners. Truth be told, they couldn't survive 5 minutes in Compton because they're too naive and would probably get jacked up on the St. Peter's playground by the likes of Peter Alban or Joel Siskavich.

Although these spin off television shows get irritating quick, they all serve the same purpose as Courtney Pecore on the corner late at night: They're money grabbing hoes.

Due to the recent downturn on the economic status of our country, the Sanderson Times had to resort to some advertising paid for by other companies and trying to create ideas to make an influx of cash into the company. Our "genius" CEO, Otis T. Sanderson, thought of a spin off of American Idol. As you can tell, I tend to hate such contrived and vapid ideas as it would take the IQ of a baby orangatang to create such a moronic thought. However, with the country slowly being flushed down the toilet quicker than George Bush's reputation during Hurricane Katrina, we had to do something. We agreed on creating The Sanderson Spotlight.

We took a certain number of applicants who thought they were talented musicians and singers. We took them before the judges who were comprised of myself (as Simon due to the bitter disdain for most uninteresting and untalented people), Stamford Branch (as Kara for always looking for the best in people and being nice), Yashur Al Faqur (as Pauala for always being so out of it with drugs and drinks that half the time you have no idea what they're talking about or listening to), and Luther Brewster (as Randy for pointing a gigantic finger yelling "YOU'RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD DOG!" and "THAT WAS SO HOT, BLAZING SIZZLING HOT DAWG!"), while Rufus Feldmore took the Ryan Seacrest role and Otis was the CEO and creator.

We were all a little hesitant at first, we didn't know what the turn out would be and how will it would go over. On the first day, we showed up with thousands of fans waiting outside, all waiting for their chance. This was inspiring, and a very positive moment for our company. I say "moment" because as soon as the first applicant came in our hopes were crushed worse than a Cheeto stepped on by Jordan Maille. It was awful, putrid, a pathetic attempt at life. I'm pretty sure a few of the people went home to take their own lives due to the lashing we gave them, except for Stamford Branch who always seemed to enjoy each singer praising them telling them how good of a person they are. Really? I don't care if they're nice. This isn't a nice competition. This is a singing show. If they can't sing, I could care less than a priest getting a knob-job in the "confessional." Seriously, you must have enormous stones to fornicate not only in a Church, but in a confessional.

However, our show was cancelled after only two recordings for several reasons. First off, Rufus Feldmore kept hitting on all of the girls. He ended up hooking up with a lady while her 18 year old daughter was singing for the judges, and when the girl was rejected and came out crying, Rufus comforted her, then hooked up with her also. Finally, one of the mother's complained to Otis, who he frankly told to "eph" off and asked the obvious question of, "Why do we think we hired him? For his charming personality? No, because he's gorgeous."
Also, myself, Carrie Oakey, was disciplined by Otis time and time again because apparantley I am "too rough" on the contestants. Rough he says? Rough is getting @$$ Ephed then having to ride your bike home.

Another reason our show was cancelled so quickly had to do with Yash's awful vices. He has more drinks in a day than Chris Farley had nose bleeds. Constantly we had to tell him that he couldn't drink in front of the contestants, and that he couldn't belch while their audition was taking place. And when he got bored, he decided it was acceptable to "back it up" on contestants, even the nice 16 year old girl who was singing "God Bless America" he got up and bent over right in front of her. She exited the room crying. Strange story, is that this is the same girl Rufus "comforted" after she got outside.

Lastly, we had to cancel the show because we lost even more money due to Luther's large extremity. When we finally had a good singer, he became WAY too jovious and yelled and jumped up and said, "YOU'RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD DAWG" and when he pointed, he poked the poor guy right in the eye. He ended up suing the company, gaining a ton of money, and using it all to go on vacations and gamble. Luther's damn finger cost us more money than Otis has spent on sweatpants and cutoffs.

When I went to interview the contestant who was poked in the eye, Randy Lozier, it now made sense to me why he could never look me straight in the eye. But he sure was excited for his upcoming 4 vacations that he supports himself with on only reffing....we now know where the funds came from. Thanks Luther, thanks a lot.


My Heart Will Go On,
Carrie Oakey