It was a warm April afternoon for opening day at South Platt Field where an American League match-up of epic proportions took place pitting old foes Fountain and Lucas against Pepsi in a battle that would go a long way in determining dominance in the Plattsburgh Little League...
Led into battle by the unstoppable father-son tandem of Bashur and Yashur al Faqur, Pepsi looked primed to rebound after a difficult end to their season last year in the "B" division championship at the hands of Johnson's Auto Glass. Clearly intimidated by Corey Manion's rat tail, Pepsi's top pitcher, Kevin Hart, proceeded to walk the first 9 batters he faced, before Manager al Faqur finally came in with the hook and replaced him with Jake Kravitz, who had missed the last 3 games leading up to the playoffs due to an unfortunate Sega Genesis incident at Tim De Lise's house on Grace avenue.
Coach al Faqur, looking to continue his legendary coaching career, will find it difficult to fulfill lofty expectations after becoming the first coach in the modern era to lead both Little League and PYS teams wearing the same pair of sweatpants that he had around his ankles with the vivacious Jashur al Faqur the night before. "It's definitely a challenge to follow up on something like that, Coach al Faqur, declared, but I'm determined to put forth my best effort."
The younger al Faqur was looking to follow-up a tremendous 9-year old campaign in which he led the league in doubles and became the first rookie ever to pound six juice boxes, one for each inning in a game. "What can I say, Yashur boasted, I'm a phenomenal drinker. It probably bodes well for my future in Babe Ruth, when I can move up to Gatorade."
Fountain and Lucas, the defending champion, having beaten Sun Foods in the championship the year before, was also looking to achieve lofty goals this year. Led by 12-year old standouts Otis Sanderson and Luther Brewster, they certainly have the experience needed to go all the way and repeat. When asked about last years championship against Sun Foods (who would later reform as Hannaford's after the tough loss) Otis Sanderson replied, "It was a tough match-up for sure, but we had Coach Hector (referring to legendary coach, Hector Duquette) on our side, and I would put any of my baseball cards up against any team as long as we have Coach Hector."
"I was a little intimidated by Sun Foods' catcher, Stamford Branch, Luther Brewster announced. Did you see him? He had chest hair when he was 10! And I swear he drove to Game 3 in a mini-van!" Needless to say all questions about Branch's eligibility were raised and answered at the annual draft, held earlier in the month at the 4th Ward.
Fountain and Lucas boasted a cast of characters that would make even the Bad News Bears blush. "We definitely have a good team this year", said Jordan Maille, wearing a specially made jersey touting the prideful orange colors of the "Lucas". "We are going to make that convenience store proud this year!"
Looking at some of the other teams and spectators taking in opening day, there seems to be quite a debate on who will take the title.
"I don't even care about Little League", 9 year old Rufus Feldmore shouted. "More girls play soccer and hockey. That's why I play, for the girls!" True to his word, Feldmore had held hands with more girls than anyone in the history of PYH. However, in taking in the festivities at South Platt, Feldmore seemed to sense a new challenge for himself. "Maybe I should join Little League, some of these girls look good in their stirrups."
(Editorial note: Rufus Feldmore would later be caught in the ice cream truck between games with Hannaford's center-fielder, Debbie Davis, who would later miss the team’s game with an apparent brain freeze from a Slurpee, a terrible loss for the defending National League champs.)
As the games began, other players from teams began to take note of the action on the field, firing themselves up with a quick game of "Pepper". Meyer Video 2nd baseman, Carrie Oakey however, prepared in another way. "I'd much rather pump my fist to some Phil Collins", Oakey stated. "It gets me in the zone. Besides, I'd much rather be playing tennis anyways."
The fans certainly had an eye on the talent as well. "Look at that boy. He's pretty," 7-year old Ali Pellerin continued to shout from the sandbox at Oakey. "Will you build a sandcastle with me"? Oakey, obviously distracted, would go on to give up his last 3 years of Little League eligibility, skipping away with Pellerin to focus on what else...sand castles, tennis, and the great Phil Collins.
"What a cute couple," Jashur al Faqur exclaimed from the stands. Turning back to the field, she rooted on her Pepsi boys. However, they would ultimately succumb to the tough pitching of Taylor Stone and his impressive mohawk, 3-2, after Yashur al Faqur struck out looking with the tying run on second to end the game. Coach al Faqur, could be heard telling Yahsur to use his brother Mashur's "rec specs" next time. They obvious work a lot better than whatever you are wearing," Coach al Faqur declared. "But we'll get them next time, and you still slugged 8 juice boxes. Now that's impressive!" "Let's go get some ice cream"
Needless to say, it is shaping up to be quite a year in the Plattsburgh Little League.
More reports soon to come...
Stamford Branch,
Sanderson Times: Boston Office
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
INFLUENTIAL INFORMATION INSIDERS
Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods. Phil Collins. The Easter Bunny. Osama Bin Laden. Tina Turner. Yashur al Faqur. Michael Phelps. These are names we are all familiar with for being the very best at their own skills. We all find a niche, and we intend to dominate that sector, whether it be sports, music, hopping around, drinking, destructing, or dancing. One start-up publication has turned from a low-scale, low subscription press, to a mega-high volume, world-renown satirical newspaper.
"I'm speechless," says the stunned Otis T. Sanderson, "When I first created this newspaper I didn't have high expectations. I just wanted to have a little fun, make a joke or two. I never thought it'd turn into the powerhouse that it is today!"
Well, your lowest expectations have created a mastermind company that The Wall Street Journal and New York Times are envious of. "I can't believe people take this publication seriously. My workers and I are out there everyday, bringing you up to date news dealing with economics, businesses, and everything that actually matters," explains disgruntled Wall Street Journal CEO Fernando Aguirre, "This is erroneous!"
"Sure, some may not take us seriously, but our writers really know how to connect with all different varieties of the public," explains long time writer, Luther Brewster, "We've expanded our employees to include all different races and genders, which open us up to new subscribers."
"Yeah, I almost quit the other day when we accepted not only a woman, but a black woman at that," states an angry Rufus Feldmore, "I mean, I'm so much better than them, and above them. They should be proof-reading my work at most. Whatever, as long as the women are below me (literally and figuratively) then I guess it's acceptable."
"I'm so grateful to be a part of the staff here," explains the second newest member, Ronaldo Applebottom, "I really enjoy writing for this paper. They let me use my imagination and write about whatever I want, it's great! And I can finally afford to purchase a new car and get rid of this wretched minivan!"
"I'm just happy I have more cash to get more bling," says newest member, O'nohie Diddent. "It helps me pay for my 5 kids too. It ain't easy ya know? N*gg*s always tryin to be getting me down," says Diddent, as Feldmore rolls his eyes.
"I have so much more time and money to buy more alcohol now," explains the obvious detriment to the team, Yashur Al Fuqur. "I don't have a set schedule, I write on my own time, which is usually half-way between my 7th shot of Jack and 5th brew. I work best when I have a buzz going! It also lets me sleep all day, and it works out great since I have time to attend my court-ordered AA meetings!"
"Yeah, we do have a phenomenal team here at Sanderson Times," said Otis, "unfortunately, I had to take away Yashur's flask while he's in the office. He can do whatever he wants outside of the office, but in here, we mean business."
This company has their head on straight. They plan to go public within a few weeks, and coincidentally, to their complete and utter dismay, the Wall Street Journal expects this company to skyrocket and have one of the most booming stocks of the decade!
I must say, as the fellow Chief Staff Writer for this publication, I am proud of my staff. We all have our own styles, our own quirks, but we deliver the news, and we deliver it in style. We bring our "A" game every time we write, and we write with our heart, which is our number one factor in surmounting such an exceptional rise to the top. I hope our staff has a great Holiday season, they all have deserved it.
Until Next Time,
Carrie Oakey
"I'm speechless," says the stunned Otis T. Sanderson, "When I first created this newspaper I didn't have high expectations. I just wanted to have a little fun, make a joke or two. I never thought it'd turn into the powerhouse that it is today!"
Well, your lowest expectations have created a mastermind company that The Wall Street Journal and New York Times are envious of. "I can't believe people take this publication seriously. My workers and I are out there everyday, bringing you up to date news dealing with economics, businesses, and everything that actually matters," explains disgruntled Wall Street Journal CEO Fernando Aguirre, "This is erroneous!"
"Sure, some may not take us seriously, but our writers really know how to connect with all different varieties of the public," explains long time writer, Luther Brewster, "We've expanded our employees to include all different races and genders, which open us up to new subscribers."
"Yeah, I almost quit the other day when we accepted not only a woman, but a black woman at that," states an angry Rufus Feldmore, "I mean, I'm so much better than them, and above them. They should be proof-reading my work at most. Whatever, as long as the women are below me (literally and figuratively) then I guess it's acceptable."
"I'm so grateful to be a part of the staff here," explains the second newest member, Ronaldo Applebottom, "I really enjoy writing for this paper. They let me use my imagination and write about whatever I want, it's great! And I can finally afford to purchase a new car and get rid of this wretched minivan!"
"I'm just happy I have more cash to get more bling," says newest member, O'nohie Diddent. "It helps me pay for my 5 kids too. It ain't easy ya know? N*gg*s always tryin to be getting me down," says Diddent, as Feldmore rolls his eyes.
"I have so much more time and money to buy more alcohol now," explains the obvious detriment to the team, Yashur Al Fuqur. "I don't have a set schedule, I write on my own time, which is usually half-way between my 7th shot of Jack and 5th brew. I work best when I have a buzz going! It also lets me sleep all day, and it works out great since I have time to attend my court-ordered AA meetings!"
"Yeah, we do have a phenomenal team here at Sanderson Times," said Otis, "unfortunately, I had to take away Yashur's flask while he's in the office. He can do whatever he wants outside of the office, but in here, we mean business."
This company has their head on straight. They plan to go public within a few weeks, and coincidentally, to their complete and utter dismay, the Wall Street Journal expects this company to skyrocket and have one of the most booming stocks of the decade!
I must say, as the fellow Chief Staff Writer for this publication, I am proud of my staff. We all have our own styles, our own quirks, but we deliver the news, and we deliver it in style. We bring our "A" game every time we write, and we write with our heart, which is our number one factor in surmounting such an exceptional rise to the top. I hope our staff has a great Holiday season, they all have deserved it.
Until Next Time,
Carrie Oakey
FLASHBACK
This week last year
Senior Ali Pellerin scores Seton’s last goal of the season in a 1-0 victory over Beekmantown, as the lady Knights’ soccer team finishes 15-5. She then, just two days later, won her first swim meet, setting a CVAC record for the breaststroke, with a time of 0:43:12. Her dad celebrated by pounding a 12 pack right in the stands, and was asked to leave immediately.
This week, 3 years ago
Carrie Oakey nets 18 points and somehow comes up with 12 rebounds, despite being the 5’2” starting point guard for Seton Catholic. Two days later, he scores 27 to lead Seton over Moriah, accompanied by his 4 steals and 13 assists.
Yashur al Faqur, also a member of the boy’s Varsity basketball team, sustained his suspension from the following year for alcohol abuse, which disobeyed the code of conduct. Although a standout 6th man the year before, the suspension has punished him and the Knights for the first 7 games of the season.
Rufus Feldmore scores Seton’s first 3 goals of the game as the Knights go on to beat the Chiefs, 6-2. In their next game, the following night, Feldmore assisted on 2 goals and added another 2, leading the Knights to a tournament championship. He left the tournament with the other team’s coach’s wife.
This week, 7 years ago
Luther Brewster bowls a 162, leading the PHS boys JV bowling team to yet another victory. Despite being a team low, the 162 was a personal best and “helped” secure his team to the win. Three days later he pumped out an astonishing 203, and got bumped up to Varsity for the following week. It has been rumored that one of his rolls was headed straight for the gutter when he quickly reached out and knocked it back on track with his extra long index finger. No penalty was assessed as no witnesses came forward before his next shot.
Brother Otis Sanderson was there cheering him on, despite bowling his own games on the side, “just for fun.” Sanderson was an “extra.” Three days later, when Luther was moved up, he got his first nod at JV, despite being a senior, and was out-dueled by a seventh grader.
This week, 28 years ago
Stamford “Patch” Branch ran for two touchdowns, and threw for another as PHS lost to MAI in the CVAC Finals, 28-24. Branch would possibly have put PHS ahead, but was tackled on the 4 yard line with only six seconds left to play. Tapes reveal that the MAI defender grabbed Branch’s face, but back then there was no facemasking penalty as their leather helmets lacked facemasks. Three days later, Branch lead PHS basketball to a victory over Saranac, as he sank 22 points and had 8 assists, while wearing very short shorts.
*Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson*
Senior Ali Pellerin scores Seton’s last goal of the season in a 1-0 victory over Beekmantown, as the lady Knights’ soccer team finishes 15-5. She then, just two days later, won her first swim meet, setting a CVAC record for the breaststroke, with a time of 0:43:12. Her dad celebrated by pounding a 12 pack right in the stands, and was asked to leave immediately.
This week, 3 years ago
Carrie Oakey nets 18 points and somehow comes up with 12 rebounds, despite being the 5’2” starting point guard for Seton Catholic. Two days later, he scores 27 to lead Seton over Moriah, accompanied by his 4 steals and 13 assists.
Yashur al Faqur, also a member of the boy’s Varsity basketball team, sustained his suspension from the following year for alcohol abuse, which disobeyed the code of conduct. Although a standout 6th man the year before, the suspension has punished him and the Knights for the first 7 games of the season.
Rufus Feldmore scores Seton’s first 3 goals of the game as the Knights go on to beat the Chiefs, 6-2. In their next game, the following night, Feldmore assisted on 2 goals and added another 2, leading the Knights to a tournament championship. He left the tournament with the other team’s coach’s wife.
This week, 7 years ago
Luther Brewster bowls a 162, leading the PHS boys JV bowling team to yet another victory. Despite being a team low, the 162 was a personal best and “helped” secure his team to the win. Three days later he pumped out an astonishing 203, and got bumped up to Varsity for the following week. It has been rumored that one of his rolls was headed straight for the gutter when he quickly reached out and knocked it back on track with his extra long index finger. No penalty was assessed as no witnesses came forward before his next shot.
Brother Otis Sanderson was there cheering him on, despite bowling his own games on the side, “just for fun.” Sanderson was an “extra.” Three days later, when Luther was moved up, he got his first nod at JV, despite being a senior, and was out-dueled by a seventh grader.
This week, 28 years ago
Stamford “Patch” Branch ran for two touchdowns, and threw for another as PHS lost to MAI in the CVAC Finals, 28-24. Branch would possibly have put PHS ahead, but was tackled on the 4 yard line with only six seconds left to play. Tapes reveal that the MAI defender grabbed Branch’s face, but back then there was no facemasking penalty as their leather helmets lacked facemasks. Three days later, Branch lead PHS basketball to a victory over Saranac, as he sank 22 points and had 8 assists, while wearing very short shorts.
*Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson*
**APPLICATION**
December 18, 2008
Applicant's Name: O'nohie Diddent
Position Desired: Entry Level Writer for Sanderson Times
From: Harlem, New York
Ethnicity: Darky, Black, "Ethnically Challenged"
Previous jobs: KFC Harlem, NY October 2008-December 2008
Reason for leaving: Bein a baby momma for three daddies requires a lot of my time.
SAMPLE ARTICLE
I would like my article pieces to be letters to the paper, similar to Cheers and Jeers in the Press Republican. It will represent the more hood side of the Sanderson Times, and let out all sorts of dirty little secrets.
SWEETS AND SCOFFS
Sweets to Carrie Oakey for baggin the flyest shorty around, Ali P.
Scoffs to Carrie Oakey for looking 12 years old.
Sweets to Otis Sanderson for pounding Cogniac, knowing he's going to vomit in 2 seconds.
Scoffs to Otis Sanderson for sneaking into the Saranac Middle School dance to try to hook up with girls.
Sweets to Yashur al Faqur for going out 7 straight nights, and not knowing how he got home.
Scoffs to Yashur al Faqur for going out 7 straight nights, and not knowing how he got home, but deucing himself.
Sweets to Stamford Branch for almost being done graduate school,
Scoffs to Stamford Branch for having the most well known minivan in the United States.
Sweets to Rufus Feldmore for bringin home 5 different shorties last night,
Scoffs to Rufus Feldmore for giving gonorrhea to 5 different bitties last night.
Sweets to Luther Brewster for travelin all over the East Coast with his ball and chain,
Scoffs to Luther Brewster for stealing his own brother's shorties and having the most creepy index finger known to man.
Sweets to Randy Lozier for being funny and outgoing,
Scoffs to Randy Lozier for never looking me straight in the eye.
Giving you the word on the street,
The Late Night Special,
O'nohie Diddent
Applicant's Name: O'nohie Diddent
Position Desired: Entry Level Writer for Sanderson Times
From: Harlem, New York
Ethnicity: Darky, Black, "Ethnically Challenged"
Previous jobs: KFC Harlem, NY October 2008-December 2008
Reason for leaving: Bein a baby momma for three daddies requires a lot of my time.
SAMPLE ARTICLE
I would like my article pieces to be letters to the paper, similar to Cheers and Jeers in the Press Republican. It will represent the more hood side of the Sanderson Times, and let out all sorts of dirty little secrets.
SWEETS AND SCOFFS
Sweets to Carrie Oakey for baggin the flyest shorty around, Ali P.
Scoffs to Carrie Oakey for looking 12 years old.
Sweets to Otis Sanderson for pounding Cogniac, knowing he's going to vomit in 2 seconds.
Scoffs to Otis Sanderson for sneaking into the Saranac Middle School dance to try to hook up with girls.
Sweets to Yashur al Faqur for going out 7 straight nights, and not knowing how he got home.
Scoffs to Yashur al Faqur for going out 7 straight nights, and not knowing how he got home, but deucing himself.
Sweets to Stamford Branch for almost being done graduate school,
Scoffs to Stamford Branch for having the most well known minivan in the United States.
Sweets to Rufus Feldmore for bringin home 5 different shorties last night,
Scoffs to Rufus Feldmore for giving gonorrhea to 5 different bitties last night.
Sweets to Luther Brewster for travelin all over the East Coast with his ball and chain,
Scoffs to Luther Brewster for stealing his own brother's shorties and having the most creepy index finger known to man.
Sweets to Randy Lozier for being funny and outgoing,
Scoffs to Randy Lozier for never looking me straight in the eye.
Giving you the word on the street,
The Late Night Special,
O'nohie Diddent
YASHUR THE ALCOHOIC
(Sing to the tune of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer)
You know Stamford and Otis and Luther and Feldmore,
Carrie and Randy and Vernon and Jordan,
But do you recall, the most famous alchy of all?
Yashur the alcoholic
Would never leave or spill a lick
And if you ever saw him
He’d be shooting Jack or Jim
All of the other brewers,
Would go home around one or two,
But you could always count on
finding Yashur at Tabu.
He’ll drink and cut and drink some more,
He’ll go home with a whore,
Yashur with your beer in hand
From Tabu you have been banned.
Then how the barkeeps loved him,
As he single-handedly paid their rent
Yashur the alcoholic,
To the bar each niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight heeeeeeee weeeennnntttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
You know Stamford and Otis and Luther and Feldmore,
Carrie and Randy and Vernon and Jordan,
But do you recall, the most famous alchy of all?
Yashur the alcoholic
Would never leave or spill a lick
And if you ever saw him
He’d be shooting Jack or Jim
All of the other brewers,
Would go home around one or two,
But you could always count on
finding Yashur at Tabu.
He’ll drink and cut and drink some more,
He’ll go home with a whore,
Yashur with your beer in hand
From Tabu you have been banned.
Then how the barkeeps loved him,
As he single-handedly paid their rent
Yashur the alcoholic,
To the bar each niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight heeeeeeee weeeennnntttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
FELDMORE THE BIG HOSED HOT STUD
(Sing to the tune of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer)
You know Stamford and Otis and Luther and Faqur,
Carrie and Randy and Vernon and Jordan,
But do you recall, the most famous hot stud of all?
Feldmore the big hosed hot stud
Had a very long ding dong
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it grows
All of the other hot studs
Used to point and laugh at it
They never let poor Feldmore
Have any girls to bang or hit
Then one day of puberty
It grew and grew some more
Feldmore with your thing so big
Made mine look like berries and a twig.
Then how the studs all hated him
Cuz he made theirs look short and slim
Feldmore the big hosed hot stud
Makes all the shorties’ panties flood!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
You know Stamford and Otis and Luther and Faqur,
Carrie and Randy and Vernon and Jordan,
But do you recall, the most famous hot stud of all?
Feldmore the big hosed hot stud
Had a very long ding dong
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it grows
All of the other hot studs
Used to point and laugh at it
They never let poor Feldmore
Have any girls to bang or hit
Then one day of puberty
It grew and grew some more
Feldmore with your thing so big
Made mine look like berries and a twig.
Then how the studs all hated him
Cuz he made theirs look short and slim
Feldmore the big hosed hot stud
Makes all the shorties’ panties flood!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
CHEERS TO A BOOZEBAG
Yashur al Faqur is what he’s called
He’s got lots of friends, some hairy, some bald
But none can drink as much as he does
He wakes up each morning already with a buzz.
He doesn’t do drugs and he doesn’t smoke
But damn he loves his Jack and Coke.
It pours out his veins, it seeps through his epidermis
He brought beer to first grade in his nice cold thermos.
He loves to funnel, he loves keg stands,
He’s always got a Brew or two wrapped up in his hands.
When a friend walks in the bar Yashur’s always there assisting,
As he’s always got an extra beer, always double-fisting.
He knows all the specials and he knows all the deals,
He goes out eight days a week and skips all his meals.
He knows a good beer, he knows when it’s right,
I recall after a sip he once said, “That’s not Bud Light.”
He’ll drink it if it’s new, he’ll drink it if it’s old,
He’ll drink it if it’s warm, he’ll drink it if it’s cold.
He’ll drink in the city, he’ll drink in the hood,
He’ll out drink you, he’ll even out drink Ryan Atwood.
To find him, you never have to look too far,
You can always find him at the bar.
He’s always sitting there like some drunken fool,
And he’s even got his very own barstool.
Blue light, Coors Light, Keystone, Guinness,
It’s easy for Santa to bring Jeff happiness.
He loves his beer more than his cash,
More than Barry’s beard, more than Matty’s rat ‘stache.
He’s a man of pride, there’s absolutely no quitting,
His only problem is that of admitting,
If you ask him, his drinking habits are fabulous,
But if you ask us, he needs Alcoholics Anonymous.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
He’s got lots of friends, some hairy, some bald
But none can drink as much as he does
He wakes up each morning already with a buzz.
He doesn’t do drugs and he doesn’t smoke
But damn he loves his Jack and Coke.
It pours out his veins, it seeps through his epidermis
He brought beer to first grade in his nice cold thermos.
He loves to funnel, he loves keg stands,
He’s always got a Brew or two wrapped up in his hands.
When a friend walks in the bar Yashur’s always there assisting,
As he’s always got an extra beer, always double-fisting.
He knows all the specials and he knows all the deals,
He goes out eight days a week and skips all his meals.
He knows a good beer, he knows when it’s right,
I recall after a sip he once said, “That’s not Bud Light.”
He’ll drink it if it’s new, he’ll drink it if it’s old,
He’ll drink it if it’s warm, he’ll drink it if it’s cold.
He’ll drink in the city, he’ll drink in the hood,
He’ll out drink you, he’ll even out drink Ryan Atwood.
To find him, you never have to look too far,
You can always find him at the bar.
He’s always sitting there like some drunken fool,
And he’s even got his very own barstool.
Blue light, Coors Light, Keystone, Guinness,
It’s easy for Santa to bring Jeff happiness.
He loves his beer more than his cash,
More than Barry’s beard, more than Matty’s rat ‘stache.
He’s a man of pride, there’s absolutely no quitting,
His only problem is that of admitting,
If you ask him, his drinking habits are fabulous,
But if you ask us, he needs Alcoholics Anonymous.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
IN HONOR OF THE ABOMINOMAL BUSH-MAN
Yashur’s Yearbook
His name is Austin.
He lives in Boston.
With a last name like Bushey,
He can’t help but score tushey.
He wants Pringles for Christmas,
Or maybe just the can…
I bet he wouldn’t even trade that
For another SWEET minivan!
The ladies all love him
And yell out, “Oh Patch!”
Especially when he’s busy
Pounding their snatch!
He works well with children
The younger the better,
But not like a creepily like Matt Rivers
And his hot Christmas sweater
He’s studley like Dickson
And cute like the Coota
But he’s missing long fingers
To accost female tuna
He loves drinking with Norton,
And he does it with clout…
But not as much shouting
“Hey girls…BUST EM OUT!”
So if you see this man
With girls around him in a cluster
And their panties all wet
Cuz they all wanna muster…
Say hello sir,
I’m your biggest fan!
But don’t you think you should put a hat on,
Before your head gets too tan?
He’ll reply no…
Tell you he’s got his own plan
Cuz he keeps special lotion…
And It comes in a can!
A Sandbaggin Son-of-A-Bitch,
Yashur al Fuqer
Novice Writer on the Move Up
His name is Austin.
He lives in Boston.
With a last name like Bushey,
He can’t help but score tushey.
He wants Pringles for Christmas,
Or maybe just the can…
I bet he wouldn’t even trade that
For another SWEET minivan!
The ladies all love him
And yell out, “Oh Patch!”
Especially when he’s busy
Pounding their snatch!
He works well with children
The younger the better,
But not like a creepily like Matt Rivers
And his hot Christmas sweater
He’s studley like Dickson
And cute like the Coota
But he’s missing long fingers
To accost female tuna
He loves drinking with Norton,
And he does it with clout…
But not as much shouting
“Hey girls…BUST EM OUT!”
So if you see this man
With girls around him in a cluster
And their panties all wet
Cuz they all wanna muster…
Say hello sir,
I’m your biggest fan!
But don’t you think you should put a hat on,
Before your head gets too tan?
He’ll reply no…
Tell you he’s got his own plan
Cuz he keeps special lotion…
And It comes in a can!
A Sandbaggin Son-of-A-Bitch,
Yashur al Fuqer
Novice Writer on the Move Up
CHEERS TO A CREEPER
By Luther Brewster he goes each day,
Or even Lewey Brews some shall say.
I hit baseball far, he hits them deeper,
But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a creeper.
If you’ve got a girl, he’ll stand by your side,
He does it with joy, he does it with pride.
He’ll wait til you leave, he’ll completely surround her,
Next thing you know, his phacking arm’s around her.
He’ll talk the talk, he’ll spit his game,
Fortunately for us, his line are lame.
But then they notice his extra long digit,
They begin to squirm, they begin to fidgit.
They sneak away, and cling to him,
Like a fat guy to sofa, instead of a gym.
They know what they want, they want the finger,
They want it to last, they want it to linger.
They hope that his member is in the same boat,
The one that from the inside can tickle their throat.
They don’t care that he’s extremely creepy,
Cuz their legs get tired, their legs get sleepy.
They love his finger, they love his knuckle,
Their knees get wobbly, then they buckle.
A quitter never wins and a winner never quits,
Maybe if they’re lucky they’ll get a Luther Brewster spritz.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Or even Lewey Brews some shall say.
I hit baseball far, he hits them deeper,
But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a creeper.
If you’ve got a girl, he’ll stand by your side,
He does it with joy, he does it with pride.
He’ll wait til you leave, he’ll completely surround her,
Next thing you know, his phacking arm’s around her.
He’ll talk the talk, he’ll spit his game,
Fortunately for us, his line are lame.
But then they notice his extra long digit,
They begin to squirm, they begin to fidgit.
They sneak away, and cling to him,
Like a fat guy to sofa, instead of a gym.
They know what they want, they want the finger,
They want it to last, they want it to linger.
They hope that his member is in the same boat,
The one that from the inside can tickle their throat.
They don’t care that he’s extremely creepy,
Cuz their legs get tired, their legs get sleepy.
They love his finger, they love his knuckle,
Their knees get wobbly, then they buckle.
A quitter never wins and a winner never quits,
Maybe if they’re lucky they’ll get a Luther Brewster spritz.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
CHEERS TO THE PIMP
Rufus Chucky Feldmore is his name,
Slaying girls gives him fame.
To him, it’s simple, never a fight,
To the ladies, it’s simple, love at first sight.
Those rippling abs and those mighty pecks,
The ladies want it all, they want the sex.
They want his body and they love his smile,
They love the fact that it lasts for a while.
He takes them home, they leave their number,
He’s no Lloyd Christmas from Dumb & Dumber.
He doesn’t chase the ones he can’t get,
For that number is zero, he’s a chick magnet.
He takes those old numbers and throws them away,
Cuz he knows he’ll meet a new girl each day.
He’s like a king, or even Harry Potter,
He casts a spell, they keep getting hotter.
They want rub him, they want the pickle,
He makes them giddy, they feel a tickle,
It runs down their thighs, they sigh ‘not yet,’
But it’s too late, he makes their panties wet.
But it’s not just the ladies that get this affection,
Every time I see him I get an erection.
He gives me the shakes, he gives me the quivers,
Yes! Me, Matty Rivers.
He’s such a stud, he’s such a pimp,
I try so hard but I can’t stay limp,
Enough about me, let’s get back to the girls,
As Feldmore does his push ups, his pull ups, and his curls.
He pumps some iron, he lifts lots of weight,
He’s got 34 shorties all wanting a date.
They want him to bite, they want him to spank,
I know milk does a body good, but girl, how much milk do you draaaaaaank!?!????!?
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Slaying girls gives him fame.
To him, it’s simple, never a fight,
To the ladies, it’s simple, love at first sight.
Those rippling abs and those mighty pecks,
The ladies want it all, they want the sex.
They want his body and they love his smile,
They love the fact that it lasts for a while.
He takes them home, they leave their number,
He’s no Lloyd Christmas from Dumb & Dumber.
He doesn’t chase the ones he can’t get,
For that number is zero, he’s a chick magnet.
He takes those old numbers and throws them away,
Cuz he knows he’ll meet a new girl each day.
He’s like a king, or even Harry Potter,
He casts a spell, they keep getting hotter.
They want rub him, they want the pickle,
He makes them giddy, they feel a tickle,
It runs down their thighs, they sigh ‘not yet,’
But it’s too late, he makes their panties wet.
But it’s not just the ladies that get this affection,
Every time I see him I get an erection.
He gives me the shakes, he gives me the quivers,
Yes! Me, Matty Rivers.
He’s such a stud, he’s such a pimp,
I try so hard but I can’t stay limp,
Enough about me, let’s get back to the girls,
As Feldmore does his push ups, his pull ups, and his curls.
He pumps some iron, he lifts lots of weight,
He’s got 34 shorties all wanting a date.
They want him to bite, they want him to spank,
I know milk does a body good, but girl, how much milk do you draaaaaaank!?!????!?
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
MORNING AFTER
Downtown, Plattsburgh:
7:12 AM, 12/12/2008
Spotted: Yashur al Faqur just making his way out of Tabu Nightclub in downtown Plattsburgh. After a full night of shenanigans Yashur is finally making his trek back home. Right behind him, was facebook feline Jamie Strough.
"We had SUCH a good night together! His birthday was a blast! We went to Tabu since it was Ladies' Night so I got in for free, and it was open till 4 AM, just for a Faqur Birthday Special!" Exclaims the excited facebook stalker, "I can't wait until December 11th 2009!"
As Faqur sat down on the curb, obviously still extremely hammered from a long night of birthday drinks, a car rolled up to pick him up. It was a saint. It was Joanne Norton. What type of person has his mother pick him up at 7:15 in the morning after a night of drinking and gallivanting with young women? Yashur al Faqur does. He has no shame.
"Did you have a fun night Yashur?" Said the gorgeous angel.
"I feel so dehydrated, so sick, so dizzy, and I'm not sure what girl I hooked up with," explained Faqur, slurring, stumbling around, "and I feel like I'm about to die…..it was AWESOME!"
"Well that's nice," responded JoJo, "I'm glad you had fun."
When we brought this story to his friends, there wasn't enough time in the world to explain their hilarity with the scenario. "WHAT?! HE WENT TO TABU?!?! WITH WHO?!?!?! WHAT THE EPH!?!?!" screamed an excited Otis Sanderson, "I wish he would have invited me to Tabu so I could pick up all the under age broads there!"
"Why would I go to Tabu to pick up trashy young girls when I can go anywhere and pick up anyone I want?" Says the arrogant Rufus Feldmore, "What do you think his mom was doin' all night with an empty house since Yashur was gone?" He said with a wink, clearly insinuating he fornicated with Joanne Norton.
"I was going to go, but instead Oakey and I ordered pizza, got some chicken fingers, and played card games all night." Said long time friend Luther Brewster.
"Uh, that's not true, you were no where to be seen." Responded Oakey, full of confusion.
That's right, Luther was no where to be seen by Oakey because Luther was too busy hiding in corners and being creepy in Tabu that night. He preyed on young felines that were unknowingly vulnerable. Whenever a guy talked to one, as soon as that guy left to go buy them a drink, or turned around for a second, or went to the bathroom, this young buck to that doe to some other prairie.
When we confronted Branch with the story, he had no idea that any of his friends were even out the night before. "I was sleeping with the little boys out at camp." Said Branch, not realizing how much "Michael Jackson" he sounded.
Some birthdays are full of good memories with friends. But for Yashur al Faqur, memories are the last thing he has from any of this birthdays since he was 6, which is the age he started blacking out on his birthday evenings.
~Chief Staff Writer,
~Carrie Oakey
7:12 AM, 12/12/2008
Spotted: Yashur al Faqur just making his way out of Tabu Nightclub in downtown Plattsburgh. After a full night of shenanigans Yashur is finally making his trek back home. Right behind him, was facebook feline Jamie Strough.
"We had SUCH a good night together! His birthday was a blast! We went to Tabu since it was Ladies' Night so I got in for free, and it was open till 4 AM, just for a Faqur Birthday Special!" Exclaims the excited facebook stalker, "I can't wait until December 11th 2009!"
As Faqur sat down on the curb, obviously still extremely hammered from a long night of birthday drinks, a car rolled up to pick him up. It was a saint. It was Joanne Norton. What type of person has his mother pick him up at 7:15 in the morning after a night of drinking and gallivanting with young women? Yashur al Faqur does. He has no shame.
"Did you have a fun night Yashur?" Said the gorgeous angel.
"I feel so dehydrated, so sick, so dizzy, and I'm not sure what girl I hooked up with," explained Faqur, slurring, stumbling around, "and I feel like I'm about to die…..it was AWESOME!"
"Well that's nice," responded JoJo, "I'm glad you had fun."
When we brought this story to his friends, there wasn't enough time in the world to explain their hilarity with the scenario. "WHAT?! HE WENT TO TABU?!?! WITH WHO?!?!?! WHAT THE EPH!?!?!" screamed an excited Otis Sanderson, "I wish he would have invited me to Tabu so I could pick up all the under age broads there!"
"Why would I go to Tabu to pick up trashy young girls when I can go anywhere and pick up anyone I want?" Says the arrogant Rufus Feldmore, "What do you think his mom was doin' all night with an empty house since Yashur was gone?" He said with a wink, clearly insinuating he fornicated with Joanne Norton.
"I was going to go, but instead Oakey and I ordered pizza, got some chicken fingers, and played card games all night." Said long time friend Luther Brewster.
"Uh, that's not true, you were no where to be seen." Responded Oakey, full of confusion.
That's right, Luther was no where to be seen by Oakey because Luther was too busy hiding in corners and being creepy in Tabu that night. He preyed on young felines that were unknowingly vulnerable. Whenever a guy talked to one, as soon as that guy left to go buy them a drink, or turned around for a second, or went to the bathroom, this young buck to that doe to some other prairie.
When we confronted Branch with the story, he had no idea that any of his friends were even out the night before. "I was sleeping with the little boys out at camp." Said Branch, not realizing how much "Michael Jackson" he sounded.
Some birthdays are full of good memories with friends. But for Yashur al Faqur, memories are the last thing he has from any of this birthdays since he was 6, which is the age he started blacking out on his birthday evenings.
~Chief Staff Writer,
~Carrie Oakey
THE AMAZING RACE
Middle of Nowhere, Pacific Ocean:
As we all know, competition brings out the best, and often times the worst in people. They either are built to survive, or molded to self-destruct. It's fall or flight; and it's all thanks to our old friend Darwin.
Six good friends were chosen to take part in a special competition. It involved several different challenges, and the final winner would get a vacation of their choice and one million dollars! They were all taken onboard an airplane and not told to where they were going, only that it was in the Pacific Ocean. The special host of the competition was the one and only Carrie Underwood. They were given only a hundred dollars, their passports, and a credit card that could only be used for making airplane reservations. This race brought them to the original island they started on, the Grand Canyon, to Whistler (in British Columbia), to Belgium, to Cancun, to Ireland, and to Australia, where the challenge finished.
The eventual winner, Rufus Feldmore recounts how it all went down, "We were in a race? For money? I thought it was just a competition to bag as many girls on as many different continents as possible. I got 37…" he said with a smirk, "then we left the island and Grand Canyon and I got about 45 snow bunnies at Whistler. They're my favorite." Feldmore said, slyly trying to convince us all that he doesn't have any STD's, "God, you don't even want to know my Cancun number, it'll make you sick! Let's just say the number's higher than the number of drinks Yashur al Faqur has had in his lifetime!"
Speaking of Yashur, he was in the lead at one point. He was whipping the competition…..until they went to Ireland. During one of the more intense parts of the competition he was in need of some water, as it was during the hot summer days, and all he could find was a local pub. As soon as he entered, he felt home. Soon thereafter, he inhaled shots of whiskey and never left. He's currently in the Dublin City Hospital after just having his stomach pumped. He should recover fully. His blood level was so dehydrated of water they couldn't immediately hydrate him. When they tried to give him an IV his body rejected it, so they had to mix water with more alcohol to slowly turn him onto the water.
"That's garbage, I should have won!" Said the dejected Otis Sanderson, "It's not my fault I can't read a map!" Otis was doing alright in the competition up until Belgium. He got lost there, which is very sad considering he lived there for a year. "It's not like I traveled around or anything. I played baseball, hit bitties, and ate Pringles."
Otis's brother, Luther, also found the competition to hard to handle. "No one said there would be swimming!" He said angrily. Poor Luther was all pumped for the competition, and the VERY first challenge was to swim 100 yards to a float in the ocean. Luther made it there okay, but then he spent the next 2 hours sitting on the sidelines, feeling nauseous and not willing to move at all. We have pictures to prove it. "If you show those pictures, I'll kill you Ms. Oakey!" He yelled at me, pointing at me with his hideous and creepy ruler-length fingers, nearly poking my eye out.
Carrie Oakey was also in the competition. Although his heart was not fully in it, he was right in the middle of the pack. He was subtle, never made too much noise and managed to come in 2nd place. He played the devil's advocate in the challenge, always turning other competitors against each other, and always just saying inappropriate remarks to anyone within ear range; even strangers. "I didn't really care what the others were doing. I banked on Faqur copping out in Ireland, I mean, come on, that's a given. I thought Luther was my biggest competition," explained Oakey, "but he turned out to be soft, not giving his all."
"That's what Teresa said!" shouted Otis Sanderson.
Coming in dead last, not even making it off the island at all, was Stamford "Patch" Branch. It wasn't because he lacked heart, we all know he's #1 when it comes to intensity and passion, just ask the floors he's yelled at. It's not because he was too embarrassed to be in a competition, just ask all of the vacuums he's screamed into on top of tables. It's because his heart was somewhere else. It was right there on that island with Carrie Underwood. Patch did not want to leave the presence of the love of his life. He sacrificed one million dollars and a vacation to simply stare at Carrie Underwood. He never had the gonads to talk to her, he was too scared of fainting. He simply followed her around. When asked, he responded, "Yeah, we hung out a couple times, she was really cool. She wasn't overbearing or thinking she was too cool or anything."
"Um, I thought he was part of the crew, until at night I saw him peeping in the window. I had to call the cops," says Underwood, "we talked and I just didn't press charges, but I did get a restraining order."
There you have it. Darwin was right. Some are made to survive and succeed; some have this killer instinct, some are born with the body of a Greek god and the charm and charisma to do anything they want; even if that "everything" is every girl they see. Rufus Feldmroe walked away with one million dollars, a vacation for two to anywhere he wants, and Chlamydia.
**Break it down for me fellas,
**Chief Staff Writer,
**Carrie Oakey
As we all know, competition brings out the best, and often times the worst in people. They either are built to survive, or molded to self-destruct. It's fall or flight; and it's all thanks to our old friend Darwin.
Six good friends were chosen to take part in a special competition. It involved several different challenges, and the final winner would get a vacation of their choice and one million dollars! They were all taken onboard an airplane and not told to where they were going, only that it was in the Pacific Ocean. The special host of the competition was the one and only Carrie Underwood. They were given only a hundred dollars, their passports, and a credit card that could only be used for making airplane reservations. This race brought them to the original island they started on, the Grand Canyon, to Whistler (in British Columbia), to Belgium, to Cancun, to Ireland, and to Australia, where the challenge finished.
The eventual winner, Rufus Feldmore recounts how it all went down, "We were in a race? For money? I thought it was just a competition to bag as many girls on as many different continents as possible. I got 37…" he said with a smirk, "then we left the island and Grand Canyon and I got about 45 snow bunnies at Whistler. They're my favorite." Feldmore said, slyly trying to convince us all that he doesn't have any STD's, "God, you don't even want to know my Cancun number, it'll make you sick! Let's just say the number's higher than the number of drinks Yashur al Faqur has had in his lifetime!"
Speaking of Yashur, he was in the lead at one point. He was whipping the competition…..until they went to Ireland. During one of the more intense parts of the competition he was in need of some water, as it was during the hot summer days, and all he could find was a local pub. As soon as he entered, he felt home. Soon thereafter, he inhaled shots of whiskey and never left. He's currently in the Dublin City Hospital after just having his stomach pumped. He should recover fully. His blood level was so dehydrated of water they couldn't immediately hydrate him. When they tried to give him an IV his body rejected it, so they had to mix water with more alcohol to slowly turn him onto the water.
"That's garbage, I should have won!" Said the dejected Otis Sanderson, "It's not my fault I can't read a map!" Otis was doing alright in the competition up until Belgium. He got lost there, which is very sad considering he lived there for a year. "It's not like I traveled around or anything. I played baseball, hit bitties, and ate Pringles."
Otis's brother, Luther, also found the competition to hard to handle. "No one said there would be swimming!" He said angrily. Poor Luther was all pumped for the competition, and the VERY first challenge was to swim 100 yards to a float in the ocean. Luther made it there okay, but then he spent the next 2 hours sitting on the sidelines, feeling nauseous and not willing to move at all. We have pictures to prove it. "If you show those pictures, I'll kill you Ms. Oakey!" He yelled at me, pointing at me with his hideous and creepy ruler-length fingers, nearly poking my eye out.
Carrie Oakey was also in the competition. Although his heart was not fully in it, he was right in the middle of the pack. He was subtle, never made too much noise and managed to come in 2nd place. He played the devil's advocate in the challenge, always turning other competitors against each other, and always just saying inappropriate remarks to anyone within ear range; even strangers. "I didn't really care what the others were doing. I banked on Faqur copping out in Ireland, I mean, come on, that's a given. I thought Luther was my biggest competition," explained Oakey, "but he turned out to be soft, not giving his all."
"That's what Teresa said!" shouted Otis Sanderson.
Coming in dead last, not even making it off the island at all, was Stamford "Patch" Branch. It wasn't because he lacked heart, we all know he's #1 when it comes to intensity and passion, just ask the floors he's yelled at. It's not because he was too embarrassed to be in a competition, just ask all of the vacuums he's screamed into on top of tables. It's because his heart was somewhere else. It was right there on that island with Carrie Underwood. Patch did not want to leave the presence of the love of his life. He sacrificed one million dollars and a vacation to simply stare at Carrie Underwood. He never had the gonads to talk to her, he was too scared of fainting. He simply followed her around. When asked, he responded, "Yeah, we hung out a couple times, she was really cool. She wasn't overbearing or thinking she was too cool or anything."
"Um, I thought he was part of the crew, until at night I saw him peeping in the window. I had to call the cops," says Underwood, "we talked and I just didn't press charges, but I did get a restraining order."
There you have it. Darwin was right. Some are made to survive and succeed; some have this killer instinct, some are born with the body of a Greek god and the charm and charisma to do anything they want; even if that "everything" is every girl they see. Rufus Feldmroe walked away with one million dollars, a vacation for two to anywhere he wants, and Chlamydia.
**Break it down for me fellas,
**Chief Staff Writer,
**Carrie Oakey
YASHUR’S BIRTHDAY POEM
It is the eleventh day of the month of December,
Surely for Yashur al Faqur, a night he won’t remember.
After dozens of shots and many a beer,
He’ll probably soil himself, probably from his rear.
To many, it’s a day to celebrate, it’s his birthday,
But to Yashur, he’ll go out hard, the say old way.
Maybe he’ll drink more, maybe he’ll drink faster,
But if that happens, it’s sure to be a disaster.
He’ll go to Peabody’s, the Green Room, Geoffrey’s Pub,
But his own playoff wiffleball game he’s likely to snub.
For none can compare to the jukebox and liquor,
Or the cute little blonde who wants him to stick ‘er.
He likes the Yankees, his favorite number’s eight,
A whole ‘nother year he’ll have to wait.
But that won’t stop him from blacking right out,
For practice makes perfect, sweet JoJo did shout.
Barry’s got the beard, Matty the lip raccoon,
Yashur doesn’t care about those, he just wants some poon.
He’ll drop some game, he’ll back it up,
He’ll drink from his bottle, he’ll pound from his cup.
He’ll order some Jager, some Jack and some coke,
There’s some lucky lady he’s hoping to poke.
But none can compare, for it must be fate,
That it’s me he chose to be his sweet stateroom mate!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Surely for Yashur al Faqur, a night he won’t remember.
After dozens of shots and many a beer,
He’ll probably soil himself, probably from his rear.
To many, it’s a day to celebrate, it’s his birthday,
But to Yashur, he’ll go out hard, the say old way.
Maybe he’ll drink more, maybe he’ll drink faster,
But if that happens, it’s sure to be a disaster.
He’ll go to Peabody’s, the Green Room, Geoffrey’s Pub,
But his own playoff wiffleball game he’s likely to snub.
For none can compare to the jukebox and liquor,
Or the cute little blonde who wants him to stick ‘er.
He likes the Yankees, his favorite number’s eight,
A whole ‘nother year he’ll have to wait.
But that won’t stop him from blacking right out,
For practice makes perfect, sweet JoJo did shout.
Barry’s got the beard, Matty the lip raccoon,
Yashur doesn’t care about those, he just wants some poon.
He’ll drop some game, he’ll back it up,
He’ll drink from his bottle, he’ll pound from his cup.
He’ll order some Jager, some Jack and some coke,
There’s some lucky lady he’s hoping to poke.
But none can compare, for it must be fate,
That it’s me he chose to be his sweet stateroom mate!
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Carrie's Cookbook
Recipes for Daily Living
12/11/2008
I'd like to share with you a couple of fun facts:
-The longest place-name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
-There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
-Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed ONLY with the left hand
Daily Quagmire: If a child at school is refusing to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Daily Useless Quote: "Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?"
Daily Life Advice: Don't throw a brick straight up.
Break it down for me fellas,
Chief Staff Writer
Carrie Oakey
12/11/2008
I'd like to share with you a couple of fun facts:
-The longest place-name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
-There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
-Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed ONLY with the left hand
Daily Quagmire: If a child at school is refusing to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Daily Useless Quote: "Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?"
Daily Life Advice: Don't throw a brick straight up.
Break it down for me fellas,
Chief Staff Writer
Carrie Oakey
Carrie's Cookbook
Recipes for Daily Living
12/10/2008
In this section I like to offer suggestions to healthy living, or things to brighten your day. They are typically short and sweet (like Carrie Oakey), and don't keep you up all night moaning (like Rufus Feldmore). They are full of content, and not missing anything on top (like Stamford Branch). They can be suggestions of any type, or simply a quote or two to get you through the day without hating your life so much that you have to drink constantly (like Yashur al Faqur). Finally, there will be no duplicates (like the Sanderson and Brewster twins); it is pure, original masterpieces.
I'd like to share with you a couple of fun facts:
-Did you know a fast food hamburger, pound for pound, costs more than a new car?
-Did you know modern day lipstick contains fish scales as one of their ingredients?
-Did you know if you were put on a neutron star, you would weigh over 1 TRILLION pounds? And if you're Jordan Maille, it's 3 times that.
Daily Quagmire: What's another word for Thesaurus?
Daily Useless Quote: "If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."
Daily Life Advice: You are born naked, wet, and angry. And then things get worse.
Until next time…
Chief Staff Writer
Carrie Oakey
12/10/2008
In this section I like to offer suggestions to healthy living, or things to brighten your day. They are typically short and sweet (like Carrie Oakey), and don't keep you up all night moaning (like Rufus Feldmore). They are full of content, and not missing anything on top (like Stamford Branch). They can be suggestions of any type, or simply a quote or two to get you through the day without hating your life so much that you have to drink constantly (like Yashur al Faqur). Finally, there will be no duplicates (like the Sanderson and Brewster twins); it is pure, original masterpieces.
I'd like to share with you a couple of fun facts:
-Did you know a fast food hamburger, pound for pound, costs more than a new car?
-Did you know modern day lipstick contains fish scales as one of their ingredients?
-Did you know if you were put on a neutron star, you would weigh over 1 TRILLION pounds? And if you're Jordan Maille, it's 3 times that.
Daily Quagmire: What's another word for Thesaurus?
Daily Useless Quote: "If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."
Daily Life Advice: You are born naked, wet, and angry. And then things get worse.
Until next time…
Chief Staff Writer
Carrie Oakey
Happy Brewday Faqur
Plattsburgh, NY (AP): It was the day he’s been waiting for for 365 days. Two years ago on this magical day, he slapped Randy Lozier across the face. Last year, he has no clue as to what happened. This year, again, he won’t know what will happen. But doesn’t this just seem too ordinary?
“I am so excited!” exclaims the birthday man himself. “I’m not gonna be able to walk, let alone play in my wiffleball game. I won’t be able to stand up straight past 5pm. I LOVE my birthday,” exclaims, while his hand slips off the wall he was leaning on in order to appear as if he could stand up, and he falls down.
“For some reason, I don’t see tomorrow as any rare or unusual night,” says long time friend Luther Brewster. “Yashur goes out EVERY night as if it’s his birthday, so why should tomorrow night be any different. He can’t possibly get more drunk than he did last weekend, or the weekend before, or the weekend before, or last night, or the night before.”
“Everyone gears up for a birthday, but I kind of feel bad for Yashur,” explains Carrie Oakey. “He’s all excited and thinks it’s going to be the best night, but we all know it’s going to be exactly like last weekend, and the one before that. It’s not anything special because it’s his birthday…I wish it would be, but when we try to feed him shots to get him drunk, he slams them like they’re water. I think his body is immune to liquor. He’s such a heavyweight.”
“This just means we’ll have to buy him even more drinks!” says an excited Stamford “Patch” Branch. “If it was my cute stateroom mate’s birthday, we could buy him ten drinks and he’d be to a drunken perfection, but for Faqur, it’ll take like 29-30 drinks for him to feel it.”
“That’s my sweet stateroom mate!” cries and excited, enthused, and ready to party, Otis Sanderson.
“I just don’t get it!” says a fired up Rufus Feldmore. “On my birthday, I’m trying to hit. I try to get as many shorties as I can, but that’s the perfect pick-up line. Chicks dig the birthday! But Yashur, he just tries to slam as many Brews as possible. He puts a perfect, one-time-a-year pick-up line to waste. Maybe I’ll steal his thunder and tell them all that it’s MY birthday,” he says with a smirk and a reassuring head nod.
Well, while Feldmore is pounding women, Sanderson, Brewster, Oakey, Branch, and many others will be feeding Faqur beers and shots all night long. Literally! Do you really think he’ll have enough coordination to bring his glass to his mouth without spilling? No. He’ll either need a straw or someone to hold his drink for him. Or even more realistically, he’ll probably already be passed out on the floor by the time his friends get done work.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis T. Sanderson
P-A-T-C-H
(Sing to the tune of BINGO)
There was a teacher who drove a van and Pa-atch was his name-o, P-A-T-C-H, P-A-T-C-H, P-A-T-C-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this kid who came in a can and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-A-T-C-H, _-A-T-C-H, _-A-T-C-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this guy who had no hair and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-_-T-C-H, _-_-T-C-H, _-_-T-C-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this boy who’s chest needed Nair and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-_-_-C-H, _-_-_-C-H, _-_-_-C-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this stud who got lots of shorties and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-_-_-_-H, _-_-_-_-H, _-_-_-_-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this man who looked like he was in his forties and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-_-_-_-_, _-_-_-_-_, _-_-_-_-_ and Pa-atch was his name-o.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
There was a teacher who drove a van and Pa-atch was his name-o, P-A-T-C-H, P-A-T-C-H, P-A-T-C-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this kid who came in a can and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-A-T-C-H, _-A-T-C-H, _-A-T-C-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this guy who had no hair and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-_-T-C-H, _-_-T-C-H, _-_-T-C-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this boy who’s chest needed Nair and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-_-_-C-H, _-_-_-C-H, _-_-_-C-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this stud who got lots of shorties and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-_-_-_-H, _-_-_-_-H, _-_-_-_-H and Pa-atch was his name-o.
There was this man who looked like he was in his forties and Pa-atch was his name-o, _-_-_-_-_, _-_-_-_-_, _-_-_-_-_ and Pa-atch was his name-o.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
ODE TO A LADIES-MAN
Volume 4 – The "Studly" Edition
Rufus Charles Feldmore, or to some just Chuck,
This man, the ladies sure love to ****.
He's got it all, he's the whole package,
He's the guy of your dreams, without all the baggage.
He'll take you home, and your sister he's into,
Maybe even your mom, and your Grandma too.
He'll bag them all without a second thought,
He'll cheat on you everyday, and not even get caught.
He's smooth, he's witty, he's extremely dreamy,
"You can try all night, but you can't beat me."
That's what he says, his motto, his claim to fame,
He's confident, not cocky, and he's going to bang that dame.
He's an Italian Stallion, the best of his breed,
He's savvy and sweet, not creepy like Creed.
How does he do it? How's he got all the charm?
He's a hockey player, and grew up on a farm.
He's a champion stud, this is for sure,
But he's also known for his brewing grandeur.
He loves to take shots, especially of girls,
They're all lined up for this special thrill.
He brews hard, often too long,
Where he wakes up with a girl, half past dawn.
No clue the age, or even the name,
"Hit the road," he says, as she does the Walk of Shame.
He takes a little nap, perhaps a shower and food,
Before he starts this process over, with some Jack and some brew.
For him double fisting isn't a brewing technique,
It's when he uses both hands to touch the girl's pink.
You may have found a girl, a fiancé you mentioned,
But it doesn't really matter, they're all Matt's sloppy seconds.
He's a man among boys, a cure for cancer,
He's a professional romancer, and dynamite dancer.
~Chief Writer,
~Carrie Oakey
In Memory of a Plattsburgh Hot Spot
Yashur’s Yearbook
Plattsburgh, NY – It is a wonderful time of year. Families gather together. Friends visit each other. This time of year is none other than Easter time. A time when the snow is melting, grass beginning to show, and sweet honey’s start getting out their bikinis to sun tan on the roofs of apartment buildings across the city. It is in this time frame, however, that the lives of a local group of friends were changed forever.
Three years ago this spring will be the anniversary of legendary 101 Brinkerhoff going down in flames. Although the alleged culprit has been arrested for his crime, there have been many stories about the actual cause of the inferno.
Resident of the apartment building Yashur al Faqur said, “We were very close to having a party that night. Good thing we all (by that I mean mostly me) got so drunk the night before that we decided to call it off! I definitely would have been passed out by then.”
Longtime friend and regular visitor to the historic landmark remarks, “I wonder if all of the alcohol in that place, especially on the floor, made it go up really fast. I know I certainly spilled all over that place; the floor, my sweatpants, even my Ronnie P. cutoff!! Good thing I have about 20 more of those.”
Luther Brewster, who was not present at the time, fingers (from extremely far away) a possible suspect. “After finding out that my beer pong table was destroyed I became very curious as to who would commit such a terrible act. I know that Feldmore was around the night before, but for some reason he disappeared for a long time with a girl. I bet all the friction he made by stickin’ caused that place to go up in flames! IT'S SCIENCE!”
Feldmore, however, remembers the story differently. “You should have seen Luther out that night. I have never seen anyone so creepy. Any girl that was around he would put his arm around and have touch his fingers. I don’t know what his problem was, but it was probably one of those girls who lit the fire thinking they would take out the sex offender in the inferno.” (Little do they know that the only sex offender in the Rivers family is the afore mentioned Otis).
“It couldn’t have been me!” says the extremely cute and innocent looking Carrie Oakey. “First of all, I was really full after ordering $20 dollars worth of Little Caesar’s, so I didn’t even move that night. Second of all, I get IDed everywhere. There is no way that people would have sold me anything to light an apartment on fire! Look at me! I look really young (however he failed to mention ADORABLE as well)!”
And this is a valid point. However there is one among us that does not, as Mick Jaggar once wrote, have time on his side. Although most people believe that he is a nice and innocent man, why do you think such a hairy man would be missing what he has an abundance of on the top of his head!? Cruel joke played by an extremely funny God, or accidental burn!? And we all know age wouldn’t be an issue.
So what really happened? Was Stamford Branch mad because Matt Ryan kicked a bottle in his face!? Was he singing so much with the vacuum that it spontaneously combusted (I bet some girls wish they could do that when Luther is creeping them out)? Or did his razor malfunction while shaving his arms and chest!? We may never no, but I hope he can live with the fact that an innocent man rots in jail while he is out abusing Pringles’ cans.
Perhaps Deacon Frank can forgive him.
Yashur Al Fuqer
Plattsburgh, NY – It is a wonderful time of year. Families gather together. Friends visit each other. This time of year is none other than Easter time. A time when the snow is melting, grass beginning to show, and sweet honey’s start getting out their bikinis to sun tan on the roofs of apartment buildings across the city. It is in this time frame, however, that the lives of a local group of friends were changed forever.
Three years ago this spring will be the anniversary of legendary 101 Brinkerhoff going down in flames. Although the alleged culprit has been arrested for his crime, there have been many stories about the actual cause of the inferno.
Resident of the apartment building Yashur al Faqur said, “We were very close to having a party that night. Good thing we all (by that I mean mostly me) got so drunk the night before that we decided to call it off! I definitely would have been passed out by then.”
Longtime friend and regular visitor to the historic landmark remarks, “I wonder if all of the alcohol in that place, especially on the floor, made it go up really fast. I know I certainly spilled all over that place; the floor, my sweatpants, even my Ronnie P. cutoff!! Good thing I have about 20 more of those.”
Luther Brewster, who was not present at the time, fingers (from extremely far away) a possible suspect. “After finding out that my beer pong table was destroyed I became very curious as to who would commit such a terrible act. I know that Feldmore was around the night before, but for some reason he disappeared for a long time with a girl. I bet all the friction he made by stickin’ caused that place to go up in flames! IT'S SCIENCE!”
Feldmore, however, remembers the story differently. “You should have seen Luther out that night. I have never seen anyone so creepy. Any girl that was around he would put his arm around and have touch his fingers. I don’t know what his problem was, but it was probably one of those girls who lit the fire thinking they would take out the sex offender in the inferno.” (Little do they know that the only sex offender in the Rivers family is the afore mentioned Otis).
“It couldn’t have been me!” says the extremely cute and innocent looking Carrie Oakey. “First of all, I was really full after ordering $20 dollars worth of Little Caesar’s, so I didn’t even move that night. Second of all, I get IDed everywhere. There is no way that people would have sold me anything to light an apartment on fire! Look at me! I look really young (however he failed to mention ADORABLE as well)!”
And this is a valid point. However there is one among us that does not, as Mick Jaggar once wrote, have time on his side. Although most people believe that he is a nice and innocent man, why do you think such a hairy man would be missing what he has an abundance of on the top of his head!? Cruel joke played by an extremely funny God, or accidental burn!? And we all know age wouldn’t be an issue.
So what really happened? Was Stamford Branch mad because Matt Ryan kicked a bottle in his face!? Was he singing so much with the vacuum that it spontaneously combusted (I bet some girls wish they could do that when Luther is creeping them out)? Or did his razor malfunction while shaving his arms and chest!? We may never no, but I hope he can live with the fact that an innocent man rots in jail while he is out abusing Pringles’ cans.
Perhaps Deacon Frank can forgive him.
Yashur Al Fuqer
ODE TO A CREEPER
Volume 3 – The "Long Fingered" Edition
Luther Lloyd Brewster, yes he's got a twin,
"I'm still the better looking one," he says with a grin.
He has a singing voice like Andy Bernard,
And the physique and body of a Greek god.
He has extensively long fingers, especially the index,
When it comes to plowing ladies, he never wears latex.
"Who needs protection? I just like to get laid."
Are you really that sure Luther? Cause I think you have AIDS.
To prey on girls is his favorite past-time,
He pushes all his friends' hopes to the back of the line.
Yashur says, "It doesn't matter who's doing the work,
He'll step right in and take your girl, that jerk!"
It's all fun and games for this master of felines,
He'll take his brother's girl, even the mime's. ß Patch
If she walks, talks, and breathes, you better be careful,
Cause this guy is making "creepy" look art-ful.
The girls all buy it, his friends all sigh,
"I'm 21," Linda said with a lie.
There he goes again, snagging a broad by the pool,
Although she has no idea, being underage is one of his rules.
He does it with a swagger, with his collar popped high,
But he does it with kindness, pretending he's shy.
They have no idea they're in special company,
A sexual offender, when they know, they flee.
He likes his girls like his food,
Simple and nude,
No need for condiments,
And we don't pass judgment.
We all still love him, even though he can touch the moon,
With his creepy long fingers, how far they protrude.
He'd steal our girls, probably even our wives,
But he's still a good friend, a best friend for life.
~Chief Staff Writer,
~Carrie Oakey
Luther Lloyd Brewster, yes he's got a twin,
"I'm still the better looking one," he says with a grin.
He has a singing voice like Andy Bernard,
And the physique and body of a Greek god.
He has extensively long fingers, especially the index,
When it comes to plowing ladies, he never wears latex.
"Who needs protection? I just like to get laid."
Are you really that sure Luther? Cause I think you have AIDS.
To prey on girls is his favorite past-time,
He pushes all his friends' hopes to the back of the line.
Yashur says, "It doesn't matter who's doing the work,
He'll step right in and take your girl, that jerk!"
It's all fun and games for this master of felines,
He'll take his brother's girl, even the mime's. ß Patch
If she walks, talks, and breathes, you better be careful,
Cause this guy is making "creepy" look art-ful.
The girls all buy it, his friends all sigh,
"I'm 21," Linda said with a lie.
There he goes again, snagging a broad by the pool,
Although she has no idea, being underage is one of his rules.
He does it with a swagger, with his collar popped high,
But he does it with kindness, pretending he's shy.
They have no idea they're in special company,
A sexual offender, when they know, they flee.
He likes his girls like his food,
Simple and nude,
No need for condiments,
And we don't pass judgment.
We all still love him, even though he can touch the moon,
With his creepy long fingers, how far they protrude.
He'd steal our girls, probably even our wives,
But he's still a good friend, a best friend for life.
~Chief Staff Writer,
~Carrie Oakey
CHEERS TO OAKEY
Cute Carrie Oakey, so cheerful and merry
Best part is, her middle name’s Harry.
She’s always cheerful, always happy,
Never angry, never sappy.
One night on the cruise
We had a few brews.
It was that time of night, time for bed
A girl claimed she was stuck, she blurted, “That’s what she said!”
She loves to drink, Coors Light, Blue Light, Red Stripe
I know one thing, she sure can lay pipe.
Such a cute kid, sure is a looker
Doesn’t need dancing girls, prostitutes or a hooker.
She knows what she’s doing, she’s got lots of game
She can get anyone, cute girl or hot dame.
One night she did it, she bought Matt Cognac,
And for the rest of the night, she listened to him yak.
At a Beanie Man concert, threw fist pumps into the air
Most people wouldn’t, but Carrie did dare.
A confident kid, she takes no criticism,
On a nude beach she walked, that’s right, Hedonism.
A bit of a creeper, she followed Mike to the pool
And dropped a sweet pick up line, “May I push in your stool?”
The ladies didn’t get it, they were dumb blonde
But between her and Mike, they formed a tight bond.
Her favorite food pizza, though she also likes chicken
On the cruise she danced, while her stateroom mate was stickin’.
That same night she made Matty puke and rally
I know one lucky girl…her name is Ali.
She loves The Office, Family Guy, Entourage, and Lost
Not much she doesn’t like, except her salad being tossed.
Loves Turtle, Sayid, Peter Griffin, Dwight Schrute,
What can’t you like about this kid? She’s so ephing cute!
*Chief Staff Writer,
Otis Terry Sanderson
Best part is, her middle name’s Harry.
She’s always cheerful, always happy,
Never angry, never sappy.
One night on the cruise
We had a few brews.
It was that time of night, time for bed
A girl claimed she was stuck, she blurted, “That’s what she said!”
She loves to drink, Coors Light, Blue Light, Red Stripe
I know one thing, she sure can lay pipe.
Such a cute kid, sure is a looker
Doesn’t need dancing girls, prostitutes or a hooker.
She knows what she’s doing, she’s got lots of game
She can get anyone, cute girl or hot dame.
One night she did it, she bought Matt Cognac,
And for the rest of the night, she listened to him yak.
At a Beanie Man concert, threw fist pumps into the air
Most people wouldn’t, but Carrie did dare.
A confident kid, she takes no criticism,
On a nude beach she walked, that’s right, Hedonism.
A bit of a creeper, she followed Mike to the pool
And dropped a sweet pick up line, “May I push in your stool?”
The ladies didn’t get it, they were dumb blonde
But between her and Mike, they formed a tight bond.
Her favorite food pizza, though she also likes chicken
On the cruise she danced, while her stateroom mate was stickin’.
That same night she made Matty puke and rally
I know one lucky girl…her name is Ali.
She loves The Office, Family Guy, Entourage, and Lost
Not much she doesn’t like, except her salad being tossed.
Loves Turtle, Sayid, Peter Griffin, Dwight Schrute,
What can’t you like about this kid? She’s so ephing cute!
*Chief Staff Writer,
Otis Terry Sanderson
CHEERS TO THE PATCH
His name is Branch comma Austin
He lives in Massachusetts comma Boston
He loves little kids, so he’s a teacher
His father loves church, he’s a preacher.
While Frankie B. works under the steeple
Otis Sands says he’s “One of those people.”
You know, the ones with the hole in their hair
And the shine upon his head, you know, the glare.
Loves going to concerts, even crowd surfs
Balls aren’t blue, definitely not Smurfs.
Not big on beer, drinks awful Jamaican rum
Doesn’t matter. It works for him, he’s gets some bum.
He loves to hit, gets all kinds of snatch
Dead squirrel on his chest, his friends call him Patch.
Papers folded perfectly, always with a plan
Not to mention, drives a sick minivan.
A sucker for the 80’s, loves The Knack
Sings into a vaccum, while his friends all yak.
Jessie’s Girl, Your Love, My Sharona
All his favorites, while slamming Corona.
Gets fired up, stares down upon us on the floor
We all go crazy. We want some more!
We want some Luda, some Fiddy, and some Busta,
Whether he did or not, still says, “Well I mustaaah!”
The kid can hit, sure knows how to muster
Drills the ladies, not even a fluster.
Hit it once, hit it twice,
All the meanwhile, Randy’s rollin’ the dice.
Loves the Schillings, the Pedroias, and the Bradys,
Even loves guys and well as the ladies.
He’s great with words, always plays wingman
Can even wing for himself, blasts in a Pringles can!
*Chief Staff Writer,
Otis Terry Sanderson
He lives in Massachusetts comma Boston
He loves little kids, so he’s a teacher
His father loves church, he’s a preacher.
While Frankie B. works under the steeple
Otis Sands says he’s “One of those people.”
You know, the ones with the hole in their hair
And the shine upon his head, you know, the glare.
Loves going to concerts, even crowd surfs
Balls aren’t blue, definitely not Smurfs.
Not big on beer, drinks awful Jamaican rum
Doesn’t matter. It works for him, he’s gets some bum.
He loves to hit, gets all kinds of snatch
Dead squirrel on his chest, his friends call him Patch.
Papers folded perfectly, always with a plan
Not to mention, drives a sick minivan.
A sucker for the 80’s, loves The Knack
Sings into a vaccum, while his friends all yak.
Jessie’s Girl, Your Love, My Sharona
All his favorites, while slamming Corona.
Gets fired up, stares down upon us on the floor
We all go crazy. We want some more!
We want some Luda, some Fiddy, and some Busta,
Whether he did or not, still says, “Well I mustaaah!”
The kid can hit, sure knows how to muster
Drills the ladies, not even a fluster.
Hit it once, hit it twice,
All the meanwhile, Randy’s rollin’ the dice.
Loves the Schillings, the Pedroias, and the Bradys,
Even loves guys and well as the ladies.
He’s great with words, always plays wingman
Can even wing for himself, blasts in a Pringles can!
*Chief Staff Writer,
Otis Terry Sanderson
ODE TO THE PRYDZ
Volume 2 - The "Special" Edition
People call him Riveys,
I've seen him in his skivvies.
His brother calls him special,
On ladies he likes to facial.
He's not shy, not even close,
He dropped trough in front of 200 folks.
Dancing and thrusting his hips,
In the air his poor Jimmy hung limp.
Not to worry, no need to fret,
His number one secret can't be kept.
He's a dreamer, a believer in fate,
He wishes he was Juan Pablo di Pace.
Oh yes, I kid you not,
The "Call On Me" guy is just so hot.
He gets kicked out of bars doing the thrust,
Did he look in the Pringles can? Well he musta!
He's quite the ballplayer, going overseas,
His dancing skills were his survival key.
He was shortstop, also pitched,
His charming good looks never did quit.
Those European hunnies,
Only wanted him for money,
But with the choice of girls or alcohol,
He puffed out his chest and stood real tall.
"Get the EPH away!"
Said Otis to an easy lay,
"I'd rather get drunk with all my might,
Then sleep with you tonight!"
He likes to black out,
And he never wimps out,
So when downing a Cognac, on cue,
He yells out, "Oakey, this one's for you!"
~Associated Staff Writer,
~Carrie Oakey
People call him Riveys,
I've seen him in his skivvies.
His brother calls him special,
On ladies he likes to facial.
He's not shy, not even close,
He dropped trough in front of 200 folks.
Dancing and thrusting his hips,
In the air his poor Jimmy hung limp.
Not to worry, no need to fret,
His number one secret can't be kept.
He's a dreamer, a believer in fate,
He wishes he was Juan Pablo di Pace.
Oh yes, I kid you not,
The "Call On Me" guy is just so hot.
He gets kicked out of bars doing the thrust,
Did he look in the Pringles can? Well he musta!
He's quite the ballplayer, going overseas,
His dancing skills were his survival key.
He was shortstop, also pitched,
His charming good looks never did quit.
Those European hunnies,
Only wanted him for money,
But with the choice of girls or alcohol,
He puffed out his chest and stood real tall.
"Get the EPH away!"
Said Otis to an easy lay,
"I'd rather get drunk with all my might,
Then sleep with you tonight!"
He likes to black out,
And he never wimps out,
So when downing a Cognac, on cue,
He yells out, "Oakey, this one's for you!"
~Associated Staff Writer,
~Carrie Oakey
ODE TO THE ALCHY
His name is Yahsur Norton,
Not Dr. Seuss or Tim Horton.
Some call him Turtle or Norm,
But to drink, this man was born.
His mom's a MILF,
In her nightgown of silk,
While Barry tickles her ear,
With this twenty year old beard.
His scruff comes in red,
One time I thought he was dead,
He was not responding, his eyes a-slant,
But he was fine, he just deuced his pants.
Beer for breakfast, Jack for lunch,
Jager for dinner, his friends had a hunch,
That this ain't normal, this ain't right,
This alcoholic is takin' names tonight!
The night's winding down,
His pants not yet brown,
Sees a girl as he leaves the bar in a blur,
And starts to slur and yell, Yashur Alfuqur!
~Associated Staff Writer
~Carrie "I'm not OK" Oakey
Not Dr. Seuss or Tim Horton.
Some call him Turtle or Norm,
But to drink, this man was born.
His mom's a MILF,
In her nightgown of silk,
While Barry tickles her ear,
With this twenty year old beard.
His scruff comes in red,
One time I thought he was dead,
He was not responding, his eyes a-slant,
But he was fine, he just deuced his pants.
Beer for breakfast, Jack for lunch,
Jager for dinner, his friends had a hunch,
That this ain't normal, this ain't right,
This alcoholic is takin' names tonight!
The night's winding down,
His pants not yet brown,
Sees a girl as he leaves the bar in a blur,
And starts to slur and yell, Yashur Alfuqur!
~Associated Staff Writer
~Carrie "I'm not OK" Oakey
FUQUR DECLINES PLAYOFFS FOR BREW
December 8, 2008
Plattsburgh, NY (AP): In the 2008 MLB Playoffs, Rocco Baldelli gave it his all and played, despite suffering from a neurological disorder causing muscle fatigue. Charlie Manuel was there managing his team, despite the loss of his mother just days before. A few years ago, Curt Schilling played despite a “torn ligament” in his heel/foot/I don’t know he probably made it up anyway and spray painted his sock red between innings. However, in the 2008 Plattsburgh Wiffleball Playoffs, Yashur al Fuqur will NOT be in attendance for Subject 2 Blackout’s first game. Lo and behold, he’ll be too drunk.
“It’s my birthday on Thursday, and it’s the last day of finals for me. Of course I’ll be wasted,” says an already belligerent Yashur al Fuqur. “Besides, it’s expected of me to be drunk…it’s a Thursday!”
“Well, I guess we can’t fault him,” explains sweet stateroom mate and sweet teammate Otis Sanderson. “He did give us plenty of notice. He told us three weeks ago that he wouldn’t be able to make it on the 11th of December. I guess behind his slurs there’s some responsibility too. Some people just don’t show up to games. At least he gave us ample warning that he was choosing Brew over a playoff game.”
“Gee, I didn’t see that coming,” snarls long time friend, Luther Brewster. “If it’s ANYBODY’S birthday, I would expect him to skip a game to go drink. It’s the perfect excuse, whether he knows the person or not. I recall a day last year where it was a kid in his biology class’ birthday, a kid he had never met before, but he still went out celebrating that night. I know it was just an excuse to get drunk, but hey, he made a new friend. Cheers to Yashur.”
“He used to do that in high school,” says a disgruntled Carrie Oakey. “Our freshman year, a few seniors were having a party cuz it was one of their birthdays, and neither of us knew any of the seniors, but I called Yashur after school to see if he wanted to hang out, and he told me he was going to a party. He didn’t tell me what party he was going to, so I figured it was a relative’s birthday or something, but a few days later, sure enough, I saw some pictures of that party posted around school, and there was Jeff passed out on the floor in the background.”
“This is why we never won a championship when I was on Subject 2 Blackout!” cries Stamford "Patch" Branch. “No one ever showed up, and nobody gave a darn. The other teams used to whiz all over us. If I was in charge, we’d have team practices, full team rosters with everyone expected to be there on game days, and be there early not just on time. I’d ever give everyone an envelope with important information like phone numbers, a phone tree, a schedule, and anything else. And I’d have it folded perfectly so that just your name was showing when you opened the envelope up.”
“No wonder the kid never gets any snapper,” laughed pimp Rufus Feldmore. “He’s a wiffleball player! Girls dig hockey players. They like a man who can hold a big stick in his hand and who can man up and take a slap shot to the throat. The ladies don’t care if you can hit a little plastic ball over a little cheap fence. They like men, not boys.”
Well, while Feldmore makes a great point, Yashur can still out-drink him. I don’t know if that necessarily a good thing or a bad thing amongst the ladies, but it’s certainly true. A chances are, Yashur can out-drink a camel, but again, is this good or bad? I mean, a camel wouldn’t be passed out in a bathtub with hot ladies around. He’d be licking his eyebrows, showing off his limber tongue.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Plattsburgh, NY (AP): In the 2008 MLB Playoffs, Rocco Baldelli gave it his all and played, despite suffering from a neurological disorder causing muscle fatigue. Charlie Manuel was there managing his team, despite the loss of his mother just days before. A few years ago, Curt Schilling played despite a “torn ligament” in his heel/foot/I don’t know he probably made it up anyway and spray painted his sock red between innings. However, in the 2008 Plattsburgh Wiffleball Playoffs, Yashur al Fuqur will NOT be in attendance for Subject 2 Blackout’s first game. Lo and behold, he’ll be too drunk.
“It’s my birthday on Thursday, and it’s the last day of finals for me. Of course I’ll be wasted,” says an already belligerent Yashur al Fuqur. “Besides, it’s expected of me to be drunk…it’s a Thursday!”
“Well, I guess we can’t fault him,” explains sweet stateroom mate and sweet teammate Otis Sanderson. “He did give us plenty of notice. He told us three weeks ago that he wouldn’t be able to make it on the 11th of December. I guess behind his slurs there’s some responsibility too. Some people just don’t show up to games. At least he gave us ample warning that he was choosing Brew over a playoff game.”
“Gee, I didn’t see that coming,” snarls long time friend, Luther Brewster. “If it’s ANYBODY’S birthday, I would expect him to skip a game to go drink. It’s the perfect excuse, whether he knows the person or not. I recall a day last year where it was a kid in his biology class’ birthday, a kid he had never met before, but he still went out celebrating that night. I know it was just an excuse to get drunk, but hey, he made a new friend. Cheers to Yashur.”
“He used to do that in high school,” says a disgruntled Carrie Oakey. “Our freshman year, a few seniors were having a party cuz it was one of their birthdays, and neither of us knew any of the seniors, but I called Yashur after school to see if he wanted to hang out, and he told me he was going to a party. He didn’t tell me what party he was going to, so I figured it was a relative’s birthday or something, but a few days later, sure enough, I saw some pictures of that party posted around school, and there was Jeff passed out on the floor in the background.”
“This is why we never won a championship when I was on Subject 2 Blackout!” cries Stamford "Patch" Branch. “No one ever showed up, and nobody gave a darn. The other teams used to whiz all over us. If I was in charge, we’d have team practices, full team rosters with everyone expected to be there on game days, and be there early not just on time. I’d ever give everyone an envelope with important information like phone numbers, a phone tree, a schedule, and anything else. And I’d have it folded perfectly so that just your name was showing when you opened the envelope up.”
“No wonder the kid never gets any snapper,” laughed pimp Rufus Feldmore. “He’s a wiffleball player! Girls dig hockey players. They like a man who can hold a big stick in his hand and who can man up and take a slap shot to the throat. The ladies don’t care if you can hit a little plastic ball over a little cheap fence. They like men, not boys.”
Well, while Feldmore makes a great point, Yashur can still out-drink him. I don’t know if that necessarily a good thing or a bad thing amongst the ladies, but it’s certainly true. A chances are, Yashur can out-drink a camel, but again, is this good or bad? I mean, a camel wouldn’t be passed out in a bathtub with hot ladies around. He’d be licking his eyebrows, showing off his limber tongue.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
HAIKUS FOR ALL OF US
His name’s Mike Rivers
He has really long fingers
He’s a real creeper.
He’s Matthew Dickson
His ladies drink lots of milk
He is such a stud.
Christopher Gebhardt
So small and so innocent
He’s such a cutie.
Austin Patch Bushey
Kid who drives a mini van
Austin From Boston.
He is Matty Rivs
Otis Terry Sanderson
Your Chief Staff Writer.
Randy Paul Lozier
Might as well call him Biclops
Sees two things at once
Jordan Mike Maille
Also known as J Meezy
A great bus driver.
Jeffrey Lee Norton
He is an alcoholic
Jeffrey da Snypa.
~Otis T. Sanderson
He has really long fingers
He’s a real creeper.
He’s Matthew Dickson
His ladies drink lots of milk
He is such a stud.
Christopher Gebhardt
So small and so innocent
He’s such a cutie.
Austin Patch Bushey
Kid who drives a mini van
Austin From Boston.
He is Matty Rivs
Otis Terry Sanderson
Your Chief Staff Writer.
Randy Paul Lozier
Might as well call him Biclops
Sees two things at once
Jordan Mike Maille
Also known as J Meezy
A great bus driver.
Jeffrey Lee Norton
He is an alcoholic
Jeffrey da Snypa.
~Otis T. Sanderson
CHRISTMAS UNITING POEM
His name is Stamford Bushey,
He's got a real nice tooshie.
The fellas know him as Patch,
The ladies love his sack.
According to Matty Rivs,
The special kid who eats with a bib,
Patch has a hole in his hair,
Cause his dome is so plain and bare.
His brother's name is Mike,
Who's dating a nice young tyke,
He has crazy long fingers,
But his brewing skills still linger.
Then there's Rufus Chuck Dickson,
Who gets all the shorties and vixens,
He's coy and modest and studly,
And can down 100 proof bubbly.
Now there's Mister Chris,
Who can be a little priss,
He's disguised as being cute,
But he's as mean as a brute.
Their other friend's quite a trip,
Cause he drinks, slurps, and spits,
His name is Jeffrey Lee,
In a drinking competition, he can't be beat.
What a wonderful crew they create,
Any young lady is lucky to have met,
They're as cool and good looking as General Custer,
And oh my God, they like to muster!
~Staff Writer,
Carrie Oakey
He's got a real nice tooshie.
The fellas know him as Patch,
The ladies love his sack.
According to Matty Rivs,
The special kid who eats with a bib,
Patch has a hole in his hair,
Cause his dome is so plain and bare.
His brother's name is Mike,
Who's dating a nice young tyke,
He has crazy long fingers,
But his brewing skills still linger.
Then there's Rufus Chuck Dickson,
Who gets all the shorties and vixens,
He's coy and modest and studly,
And can down 100 proof bubbly.
Now there's Mister Chris,
Who can be a little priss,
He's disguised as being cute,
But he's as mean as a brute.
Their other friend's quite a trip,
Cause he drinks, slurps, and spits,
His name is Jeffrey Lee,
In a drinking competition, he can't be beat.
What a wonderful crew they create,
Any young lady is lucky to have met,
They're as cool and good looking as General Custer,
And oh my God, they like to muster!
~Staff Writer,
Carrie Oakey
The Blackout Subtracts to add Championships
Yashur's Yearbook
Plattsburgh, NY (AP)- The City of Plattsburgh Wiffleball League has become quite the hot ticket on Thursday nights in the Champlain Valley. When the weather turns cold, pools are closed, and Jordan puts away the Speedo for the year; THIS is when the real action begins.
When the league was in its infancy it was ruled by a team of semi-professionals known as Michigan's Plus. They were an average group of men, playing in a league that consisted of the deaf, blind, and Randy Lozier-like (unathletic). Soon, however, the league developed into a highly competitive war-like organization, where only the best could be involved.
Thus the birth of Subject to Blackout.
Once assembled, this group consisting of great, handsome ballplayers, and even better drinkers, assumed they would take the league by storm. But did this happen? Well, in part it did. You see the regular season was never a problem for this group of studs (not as studly as longtime friend Rufus Feldmore, but who can be!?). It was the playoffs that caused problems. Year after year the Blackout would dominate until playoff time, always falling a game short. This team consisted of the best pitcher in the league (Billy Davis), the homerun (and coincidentally hot dog eating) champion Jordan “Masher” Maille, playoff MVP Otis “Special Stick” Sanderson, and multiple time player (and drinker) of the week Yashur “Jello-shot” al Fuqur. The team even had Scott Rougeau and Stamford Branch, the players with the most and least amount of “SOMETHING” in the league. This was a juggernaut made for a dynasty.
Baseball standout and close friend Luther “Sneaky Fingers” Brewster stated, “Even I showed up and went DEEP in my first game. The Blackout is unstoppable.”
Now-a-days this is true. The Blackout has won three championships in a row. Playoffs are not such an issue anymore. And what is it that changed!? Was it Carrie Oakey fistpumping in the stands to get us FIRED up!? NO!!! Was it the team colors!? Certainly not.
No. It was the eradication of team cancers (although the only real cancer is from Maille's cigarettes). Sorry boys, you are great players, but WE PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!
LONG LIVE THE BLACKOUT!
Yashur al Faqur
Plattsburgh, NY (AP)- The City of Plattsburgh Wiffleball League has become quite the hot ticket on Thursday nights in the Champlain Valley. When the weather turns cold, pools are closed, and Jordan puts away the Speedo for the year; THIS is when the real action begins.
When the league was in its infancy it was ruled by a team of semi-professionals known as Michigan's Plus. They were an average group of men, playing in a league that consisted of the deaf, blind, and Randy Lozier-like (unathletic). Soon, however, the league developed into a highly competitive war-like organization, where only the best could be involved.
Thus the birth of Subject to Blackout.
Once assembled, this group consisting of great, handsome ballplayers, and even better drinkers, assumed they would take the league by storm. But did this happen? Well, in part it did. You see the regular season was never a problem for this group of studs (not as studly as longtime friend Rufus Feldmore, but who can be!?). It was the playoffs that caused problems. Year after year the Blackout would dominate until playoff time, always falling a game short. This team consisted of the best pitcher in the league (Billy Davis), the homerun (and coincidentally hot dog eating) champion Jordan “Masher” Maille, playoff MVP Otis “Special Stick” Sanderson, and multiple time player (and drinker) of the week Yashur “Jello-shot” al Fuqur. The team even had Scott Rougeau and Stamford Branch, the players with the most and least amount of “SOMETHING” in the league. This was a juggernaut made for a dynasty.
Baseball standout and close friend Luther “Sneaky Fingers” Brewster stated, “Even I showed up and went DEEP in my first game. The Blackout is unstoppable.”
Now-a-days this is true. The Blackout has won three championships in a row. Playoffs are not such an issue anymore. And what is it that changed!? Was it Carrie Oakey fistpumping in the stands to get us FIRED up!? NO!!! Was it the team colors!? Certainly not.
No. It was the eradication of team cancers (although the only real cancer is from Maille's cigarettes). Sorry boys, you are great players, but WE PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!
LONG LIVE THE BLACKOUT!
Yashur al Faqur
LIONS, TIGERS, AND BEARS, OH MY!
Intercourse, Pennsylvania: (it's a real city, google it)
When we're young, we all want to be our favorite animal. When I was a child, I wanted to be a sloth, simply because they lived a life of lavish laziness. Randy Lozier wanted to be a baboon. Brian Boitano wanted to be a flamingo (very fitting), while the likes of Michael Phelps wanted to be a fish (go figure). Others turn out to be the complete opposite of what they want to be.
"I'm an Italian Stallion," smirks the arrogant Rufus Feldmore, "the ladies love a workhorse in bed, don't they babe?" He says with a wink and a smile, casually trying to seduce me for fornication.
"Feldmore's so sweet, he definitely is stallion! The ladies love him!" Exclaims the squirrel-like Otis Sanderson, "I'm not sure what I am, but I know my brother Luther is definitely a hyena! He's always laughing and making others laugh too!"
"Hyena huh?" Says long-time friend Luther Brewster, "Well you're a kangaroo because you love to hop and dance around!" Cackles Luther, in his hyena-like screech. "No no no no! You're definitely a llama, a stupid llama!" Luther yells, guffawing some more. "You're special just like they are, always with a confused look on their face as if they have no idea what's going on!" Luther screams, finally on the ground, smitten with hilarity and tears in his eyes.
"What the eph? At least I know that the first thing to break the sound barrier was the WHHHHIP," says the llama-faced Otis in rebuttle.
"Fuqur is definitely a camel!" Says the baby-lion-cub-like Carrie Oakey, "He drinks more than anyone I know and stores liquid in him forever! I've seen him drunk for 3 days straight before, and only a camel can retain liquid like that!"
We tried to reach Yashur for his feelings on the matter, but he angrily hid his head like a turtle (yes sir), very fittingly, and took a shot of Jack Daniels.
"What's Patch?" asked Feldmore, as he tried to slide his hand on my knee.
"Definitely an aye-aye!" wails Oakey, unkempt with mirth.
"Yeah, he's an aye-aye or Golem from Lord of the Rings," Says the hippo-clone Jordan Maille.
"I'm like a butterfly," interrupts Ali Pellerin, doing anything possible to be included and be in the spotlight, "I'm cute, pretty, and people like me."
"You're more like a bee," says the angry, disgruntled Stamford, "you're loud, always making noise, always in the way, and if I could, I'd swat you away."
As Pellerin frowned and stormed away, the boys began laughing at each other and reminiscing on the old times. Sure, we all want to be something when we're young, sometimes it works out for us, and sometimes we have to play with the cards we're dealt.
The boys all went home for the evening, except for Feldmore, he took this Carrie Oakey and sang it all night long.
For more information on Aye-Ayes, click here: http://oddanimals.com/unusualanimals/ayeaye.html
Associated Press Writer,
Carrie Oakey
When we're young, we all want to be our favorite animal. When I was a child, I wanted to be a sloth, simply because they lived a life of lavish laziness. Randy Lozier wanted to be a baboon. Brian Boitano wanted to be a flamingo (very fitting), while the likes of Michael Phelps wanted to be a fish (go figure). Others turn out to be the complete opposite of what they want to be.
"I'm an Italian Stallion," smirks the arrogant Rufus Feldmore, "the ladies love a workhorse in bed, don't they babe?" He says with a wink and a smile, casually trying to seduce me for fornication.
"Feldmore's so sweet, he definitely is stallion! The ladies love him!" Exclaims the squirrel-like Otis Sanderson, "I'm not sure what I am, but I know my brother Luther is definitely a hyena! He's always laughing and making others laugh too!"
"Hyena huh?" Says long-time friend Luther Brewster, "Well you're a kangaroo because you love to hop and dance around!" Cackles Luther, in his hyena-like screech. "No no no no! You're definitely a llama, a stupid llama!" Luther yells, guffawing some more. "You're special just like they are, always with a confused look on their face as if they have no idea what's going on!" Luther screams, finally on the ground, smitten with hilarity and tears in his eyes.
"What the eph? At least I know that the first thing to break the sound barrier was the WHHHHIP," says the llama-faced Otis in rebuttle.
"Fuqur is definitely a camel!" Says the baby-lion-cub-like Carrie Oakey, "He drinks more than anyone I know and stores liquid in him forever! I've seen him drunk for 3 days straight before, and only a camel can retain liquid like that!"
We tried to reach Yashur for his feelings on the matter, but he angrily hid his head like a turtle (yes sir), very fittingly, and took a shot of Jack Daniels.
"What's Patch?" asked Feldmore, as he tried to slide his hand on my knee.
"Definitely an aye-aye!" wails Oakey, unkempt with mirth.
"Yeah, he's an aye-aye or Golem from Lord of the Rings," Says the hippo-clone Jordan Maille.
"I'm like a butterfly," interrupts Ali Pellerin, doing anything possible to be included and be in the spotlight, "I'm cute, pretty, and people like me."
"You're more like a bee," says the angry, disgruntled Stamford, "you're loud, always making noise, always in the way, and if I could, I'd swat you away."
As Pellerin frowned and stormed away, the boys began laughing at each other and reminiscing on the old times. Sure, we all want to be something when we're young, sometimes it works out for us, and sometimes we have to play with the cards we're dealt.
The boys all went home for the evening, except for Feldmore, he took this Carrie Oakey and sang it all night long.
For more information on Aye-Ayes, click here: http://oddanimals.com/unusualanimals/ayeaye.html
Associated Press Writer,
Carrie Oakey
SWEET COGNAC
Caribbean Sea (AP): Many families were out enjoying a nice, relaxing cruise for their break away from school and work. Many elderly couples were having an anniversary party. Many newlyweds, a honeymoon. Many children, a first time vacation. To the Brew Crew, originally from Plattsburgh, it was a train wreck…but in a great way!
While children were swimming in the pool, overachievers were running around the track, elderly couplers were looking out towards sea in their binoculars, middle-class workers were relaxing and taking in some sun, and Randy was gambling, five college-aged studs were taking in mass consumptions of alcohol, preparing for their huge concert that evening. “I can’t sing with a dry throat!” exclaimed lead singer Otis Sanderson. “Yeah, we were getting in the mix,” added long time friend, Stamford Branch.
Meanwhile, Carrie Oakey and Luther Brewster were creeping down to the pool looking to pick up some shorties with low expectations. “I wanted to find a charmer, and so I decided to use charm itself, so I brought Carrie along with me,” explains Luther Brewster. “I didn’t know what he wanted, I just went for a walk with him,” says Carrie Oakey, innocently. At this time, Yashur al Fuqur was unavailable for interview, as he was already passed out drunk on the balcony, despite it being the first day of the cruise.
It’s the first night of the cruise, so it makes perfect sense for Princess Cruises to book its best band to sing karaoke right off the bat. After a few poor performances from rookies and has-beens, the crowd started pouring in to see what all the noise was. And that’s when the show started to light up. The group, formerly known as Austin From Boston, AFB for short, took the stage and ran a phenomenal, unprecedented version of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.” Needless to say, the crowd loved it. They stood for an ovation, and demanded an encore the following night, which they were sure to get.
Sure enough, Austin From Boston bedazzled the even more crowded audience with “I Wanna Dance With Somebody!” By this time, all members of AFB were gaining rapid fame among the excited fans of all ages. “I was just walking down the hall and this young kid came up to me and said, ‘Mom, it’s him! It’s Austin from Austin From Boston!’ I signed his shirt, and it made his day!” exclaims Stamford “Patch” Branch. “Yeah, it was so sweet!” states Luther Brewster, tenor of the group. “Those two girls we were talking to by the pool want us to play card games with them! They must have seen us in concert and realized that we weren’t just creepy guys trying to hit,” he says with a smirk and a wink.
On his way back from the stage after Sweet Caroline, Otis Sanderson was stopped by a family from Texas. “We love your hat,” they said, and invited him to sit with them for a drink. “They loved our song,” Sanderson tells. “And they loved my hat! They nicknamed me ‘Tweeter’ from Varsity Blues, and they want us to hang out with them too!” As one can tell, AFB was a huge hit, and many of the fans were requesting face time with the band, wanting to share drinks, play games, and get autographs. Once again, Fuqur declined interview as he headed straight from the stage to the bar, and ordered drink upon drink.
On the third night, still feeling a bit hungover, or even still drunk if your name is Fuqur, the group was having a nice playing some card games while watching the other singers perform, trying to live up to the bar set by AFB. Lead singer Sanderson was “iffy” about performing for a third night in a row. Cute icon Oakey had other feelings. “It was AMAZING! I bought him a shot of Cognac, cuz I know that gets him going, even though he can’t stand the stuff,” says Oakey. The shot just sat there for minutes upon minutes. Then, it suddenly disappeared. “He goes, ‘Oakey, this one’s for you,’ and he downed it right there!” cries an excited Stamford Branch. “Then, within a second, he got up and had to go puke,” Branch explains, who was so fired up that he bought the next round! “I Think We’re Alone Now” was just as big of a hit! After the third night’s show, Luther Brewster challenged an eight year old to a dance off, lost, then requested a slow dance song at Skywalker’s Night Club. “It says a lot about this upcoming group,” says an anonymous witness. “They take interest in kids, allow them to participate in concerts and events, they slow dance with fans…it’s a real classy bunch of guys.” Meanwhile, Sanderson is puking for the second straight night, and Fuqur is passed out on the dance floor. That witness obviously didn’t see the after-party.
And it wasn’t until the third night when the “C--shot heard ‘round the world” took place. Tenor Stamford Branch took one lucky fan back to his stateroom and got at it. Twice. After the group re-united at the Branch-Oakey stateroom, Fuqur, who was surprisingly still able to talk and walk, told Otis Sanderson to check the Pringles can, which he regrettably did. Sanderson, who was laughing so hard after trying to re-demonstrate Patch’s “Dino-dance,” checked it and yelled, “What? You guys hit?!?!?” And Branch simply replied, “Well I MUUUUUUUSTTAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
While children were swimming in the pool, overachievers were running around the track, elderly couplers were looking out towards sea in their binoculars, middle-class workers were relaxing and taking in some sun, and Randy was gambling, five college-aged studs were taking in mass consumptions of alcohol, preparing for their huge concert that evening. “I can’t sing with a dry throat!” exclaimed lead singer Otis Sanderson. “Yeah, we were getting in the mix,” added long time friend, Stamford Branch.
Meanwhile, Carrie Oakey and Luther Brewster were creeping down to the pool looking to pick up some shorties with low expectations. “I wanted to find a charmer, and so I decided to use charm itself, so I brought Carrie along with me,” explains Luther Brewster. “I didn’t know what he wanted, I just went for a walk with him,” says Carrie Oakey, innocently. At this time, Yashur al Fuqur was unavailable for interview, as he was already passed out drunk on the balcony, despite it being the first day of the cruise.
It’s the first night of the cruise, so it makes perfect sense for Princess Cruises to book its best band to sing karaoke right off the bat. After a few poor performances from rookies and has-beens, the crowd started pouring in to see what all the noise was. And that’s when the show started to light up. The group, formerly known as Austin From Boston, AFB for short, took the stage and ran a phenomenal, unprecedented version of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.” Needless to say, the crowd loved it. They stood for an ovation, and demanded an encore the following night, which they were sure to get.
Sure enough, Austin From Boston bedazzled the even more crowded audience with “I Wanna Dance With Somebody!” By this time, all members of AFB were gaining rapid fame among the excited fans of all ages. “I was just walking down the hall and this young kid came up to me and said, ‘Mom, it’s him! It’s Austin from Austin From Boston!’ I signed his shirt, and it made his day!” exclaims Stamford “Patch” Branch. “Yeah, it was so sweet!” states Luther Brewster, tenor of the group. “Those two girls we were talking to by the pool want us to play card games with them! They must have seen us in concert and realized that we weren’t just creepy guys trying to hit,” he says with a smirk and a wink.
On his way back from the stage after Sweet Caroline, Otis Sanderson was stopped by a family from Texas. “We love your hat,” they said, and invited him to sit with them for a drink. “They loved our song,” Sanderson tells. “And they loved my hat! They nicknamed me ‘Tweeter’ from Varsity Blues, and they want us to hang out with them too!” As one can tell, AFB was a huge hit, and many of the fans were requesting face time with the band, wanting to share drinks, play games, and get autographs. Once again, Fuqur declined interview as he headed straight from the stage to the bar, and ordered drink upon drink.
On the third night, still feeling a bit hungover, or even still drunk if your name is Fuqur, the group was having a nice playing some card games while watching the other singers perform, trying to live up to the bar set by AFB. Lead singer Sanderson was “iffy” about performing for a third night in a row. Cute icon Oakey had other feelings. “It was AMAZING! I bought him a shot of Cognac, cuz I know that gets him going, even though he can’t stand the stuff,” says Oakey. The shot just sat there for minutes upon minutes. Then, it suddenly disappeared. “He goes, ‘Oakey, this one’s for you,’ and he downed it right there!” cries an excited Stamford Branch. “Then, within a second, he got up and had to go puke,” Branch explains, who was so fired up that he bought the next round! “I Think We’re Alone Now” was just as big of a hit! After the third night’s show, Luther Brewster challenged an eight year old to a dance off, lost, then requested a slow dance song at Skywalker’s Night Club. “It says a lot about this upcoming group,” says an anonymous witness. “They take interest in kids, allow them to participate in concerts and events, they slow dance with fans…it’s a real classy bunch of guys.” Meanwhile, Sanderson is puking for the second straight night, and Fuqur is passed out on the dance floor. That witness obviously didn’t see the after-party.
And it wasn’t until the third night when the “C--shot heard ‘round the world” took place. Tenor Stamford Branch took one lucky fan back to his stateroom and got at it. Twice. After the group re-united at the Branch-Oakey stateroom, Fuqur, who was surprisingly still able to talk and walk, told Otis Sanderson to check the Pringles can, which he regrettably did. Sanderson, who was laughing so hard after trying to re-demonstrate Patch’s “Dino-dance,” checked it and yelled, “What? You guys hit?!?!?” And Branch simply replied, “Well I MUUUUUUUSTTAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
DO YOU KNOW THE MUSTER MAN?
Yashur’s Yearbook
Plattsburgh, NY (AP) – “The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man sending back soup at the deli!” “I’m gonna kill that kid!” These are both quotes, the former from Seinfeld character George Castanza, and the latter from classic comedy character Harry from Home Alone, that are made famous by the people who say them. Well there is a local man that has his own famous saying; he is well known for standing on a table and yelling “WELL I MUSSSSSSSTA!”
No matter the time, place, or situation, Stamford “Patch” Branch, also lovingly known as the “Muster Man,” does not cease to fire up the entire group of people within earshot of his famous bellow. Longtime friend and fellow brew master Otis Sanderson says “Stamford, whether he means to or not, ALWAYS gets the party started! All he has to do is hop on a table and yell, and everyone gets revved up!”
“Well I never noticed his yelling before, probably because I’m too busy trying to hit on all the girls at the party,” says professional studmuffin Rufus Feldmore. “Anyway, normally by the time people start partying I have one, or maybe two, girls in my room already,” he states with a sly wink.
“Mustard!?” asks local legend Randy Lozier, confusing the war cry of Branch with the condiment. “Did someone say food!?” questions the rotund referee of the North Country. “I’m all in!”
“No, Randy” says the creepy Luther Brewster, standing around staring at a group of unsuspecting girls (they didn’t know because Feldmore was infatuating them with his charm). “We are not talking about food or gambling, so you are probably not interested. Just go back to stalking people on Facebook.”
“I thought they were talking about mustard, too!” reports the top heavy bus driver Jordan Maille. “I hate mustard on food, but I bet mustard flavored cigarettes would be GREAT!” he states jovially, like a smelly, unkempt Santa Claus.
“I didn’t know my performances were such a hit at parties!” states an excited and unaware Stamford Branch. He was not available for many comments because he was singing “My Sharona” for the fourth time of the night. He did ad, however “I know I’m a hit! Look at Fuqur on the floor laughing. He can’t even stand up!”
No he can’t stand up. That’s because he’s been drunk for 36 hours straight, claiming “Hey! That’s what vacation is for!” Little does Stamford know that Yashur can’t get up because he is HAMMERED. Also, he’s laughing really hard at the cute, pint-sized sidekick Carrie Oakey firing viscous fistpumps straight up into the air!
Stamford is certainly famous for many reasons. His great personality, his many friends, and his unbelievable performances are all reasons that people love to have him around. Little does he know, his biggest gimmick is his famous bellow… “Well I mustaaaaaah!”
Aspiring staff writer
Yashur Al Fuqher
Plattsburgh, NY (AP) – “The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man sending back soup at the deli!” “I’m gonna kill that kid!” These are both quotes, the former from Seinfeld character George Castanza, and the latter from classic comedy character Harry from Home Alone, that are made famous by the people who say them. Well there is a local man that has his own famous saying; he is well known for standing on a table and yelling “WELL I MUSSSSSSSTA!”
No matter the time, place, or situation, Stamford “Patch” Branch, also lovingly known as the “Muster Man,” does not cease to fire up the entire group of people within earshot of his famous bellow. Longtime friend and fellow brew master Otis Sanderson says “Stamford, whether he means to or not, ALWAYS gets the party started! All he has to do is hop on a table and yell, and everyone gets revved up!”
“Well I never noticed his yelling before, probably because I’m too busy trying to hit on all the girls at the party,” says professional studmuffin Rufus Feldmore. “Anyway, normally by the time people start partying I have one, or maybe two, girls in my room already,” he states with a sly wink.
“Mustard!?” asks local legend Randy Lozier, confusing the war cry of Branch with the condiment. “Did someone say food!?” questions the rotund referee of the North Country. “I’m all in!”
“No, Randy” says the creepy Luther Brewster, standing around staring at a group of unsuspecting girls (they didn’t know because Feldmore was infatuating them with his charm). “We are not talking about food or gambling, so you are probably not interested. Just go back to stalking people on Facebook.”
“I thought they were talking about mustard, too!” reports the top heavy bus driver Jordan Maille. “I hate mustard on food, but I bet mustard flavored cigarettes would be GREAT!” he states jovially, like a smelly, unkempt Santa Claus.
“I didn’t know my performances were such a hit at parties!” states an excited and unaware Stamford Branch. He was not available for many comments because he was singing “My Sharona” for the fourth time of the night. He did ad, however “I know I’m a hit! Look at Fuqur on the floor laughing. He can’t even stand up!”
No he can’t stand up. That’s because he’s been drunk for 36 hours straight, claiming “Hey! That’s what vacation is for!” Little does Stamford know that Yashur can’t get up because he is HAMMERED. Also, he’s laughing really hard at the cute, pint-sized sidekick Carrie Oakey firing viscous fistpumps straight up into the air!
Stamford is certainly famous for many reasons. His great personality, his many friends, and his unbelievable performances are all reasons that people love to have him around. Little does he know, his biggest gimmick is his famous bellow… “Well I mustaaaaaah!”
Aspiring staff writer
Yashur Al Fuqher
Heroes to Return Home for Holidays
Boston, MA (AP) – It was a quiet morning in the suburb of Brighton, just outside of Boston, MA. The birds could be heard chirping, the vehicles could be heard splashing through puddles in the middle of the streets. There was a cold, brisk breeze gently grazing the faces of the small community as they stepped out of their buildings and headed for work. This, however, was no ordinary morning. There was an empty feeling, a genuine sadness associated with this particular morning. Local town drinker and fan favorite Carrie Oakey was no where to be seen.
It was reported that well past midnight in the dark, isolated town of Plattsburgh, New York, surrounded by trees, mountains, and slush, young Carrie Harry Oakey was just arriving in his hometown for a nice five day getaway. Fans were lined up several people deep as the car approached the Oakey household. Banners were waved, flags were flying, bells were ringing, horns were honking, and young men were grabbing the random shorties next to them and pulling them in as the perfect excuse for a celebratory kiss, as the local hero had arrived safely through the treacherous weather. “I’m just glad he was able to make it through the mountains and rain and get here safely so we can start cuttin’ and brewing,” exclaimed a relieved, yet ecstatic Otis Sanderson. “There was word for a couple of weeks now that Carrie would be making her way back here to be with us and the day has finally come!” as he downed a brew can and crushed it on his forehead. Whereas back in Boston the mood was depressed and gloom, Plattsburgh, NY had just become bouncing and alive upon the arrival of the cutest boozehound in the Northeast. Family members, friends, townies, worshippers, even strangers were jumping with joy as the car pulled up and out stepped the young, cute, happy Carrie Oakey. “It was a long ride.” “That’s what she said” was heard in the distant as fans were yelling and screaming upon every sentence spoken by their childhood hero. “But you know what, I did it!” (40 second applause) “Knowing that there would be cold booze to be drunk and bitties to stalk me again as I walked through the streets of my old hood was my motivation to keep trucking and make it here alive,” announced Oakey to her fans with a finishing fist pump!
In downtown Plattsburgh, there was only one man around who was unable to make it up to the West End to see the arrival of his best bud. The lone brewer was available for comment from his barstool at Peabody’s. “Yeah, he made it safely. Great. But I’m not celebrating until the trip home is complete. And that’s not going to happen until Carrie gets her sweet deuce downtown, shoots 5 straight tequila shots, and downs 10 beers with me,” explained longtime friend Yashur al Fuqur, as he wiped the drool out of the corner of his mouth while tumbling off the stool.
In other cities, as Plattsburgh was erupting with happiness, Albany, New York is setting up its parade-like ceremony for the following morning, as young Rufus Feldmore will be set to take off and leave his friends behind for the holidays, only to join other friends in the ‘Burgh region. “It’s more of a sad, farewell parade, as I’m leaving them all,” said an arrogant Rufus Feldmore. “But you know what, they’ll be okay. I’m sure each family has an empty place set up at its Thanksgiving dinner table in memory of my absence. And an extra keg in case I come back to surprise them,” said a cocky, rugged Rufus, as he went on about the parade that was about to be thrown in his honor.
“From my comprehension, the generally feeling of this Thanksgiving week in 2008 is that one city’s loss is another city’s gain,” explains fellow brewer Luther Brewster. “Score two points for Plattsburgh this year.”
Associated Press Intern,
Luther Brewster
OAKEY YOUNG, CUTE, LITTLE
Boston, MA (AP): We’ve all used corny pick up lines before. We’ve all gone up to the door and knocked, impatiently and nervously waiting to meet her mom for the first time. As the door opens, we say, “You must be Jane’s sister,” in hopes of earning her likings right then and there for making her feel young. Well sometimes, that doesn’t always work as planned.
When Ali Pellerin first rolled up to Carrie Oakey’s apartment in Boston, she knocked on the door, and Stamford Branch answered. “You must be Carrie’s roommate,” Pellerin anxiously said to what she thought was Carrie’s father. “Yup, come on in,” Branch answered, confusing the deuce out of Ali.
“I honestly thought it was his dad,” Ali replied, when asked what she thought of Patch. “I guess what I said turned out to be true, even though I was trying to flatter him.”
“Carrie looks so young and cute,” admits long time friend Luther Brewster. “Her and I share the same appetite…that of a nine year old. Pizza, chicken fingers, and soup! She’s so cute!”
“I grew up with her, so I’m aware that she’s my age,” says Rufus Feldmore, “but if I didn’t know her, there’s no way I’d think she would be old enough to drive. I bet she still get ID’ed at rated R movies,” says Feldmore with a chuckle. “I remember I used to bring the ladies to movies back when I was twelve years old, and they never checked my ID. She’s just so little and cute, I love it!”
“Patch could definitely pass as his dad,” admits Otis Sanderson. “Patch works with kids, so he must love them. I wouldn’t be surprised if strangers called the cops on him if they ever saw Patch and Carrie buying beer together. It’d be kinda funny if he got arrested for serving a minor though,” giggles Sanderson.
“It was kinda funny,” states Oakey. “We went to TGIF’s once for dinner, and the waitress brought him out a senior citizens’ menu,” says a hysterical Oakey, barely able to breathe. “Then, as we were leaving, the hostess asked Stamford if he wanted a lollipop, which he kindly rejected, but then she asked him if his daughter would like one,” say Oakey, completely bent over, unable to control her laughter. “The best part is, he flipped out on the poor girl, and the manager had to come escort him out!” Oakey is now on his hands and knees, inhaling, taking deep breaths as if he just finished a marathon.
Though just a couple years apart in age, they are a complete generation apart in appearance. Oakey is full of energy, full of hair, cute, very personable, and has an amazing laugh. Patch gets very fired up too, has a sweet laugh, would do anything for anyone, and is a phenomenal wingman. What he has excess of in age, unfortunately, he lacks in hair.
Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
SANDERSON DELIVERS CHEER, BEER
Plattsburgh, NY – In the olden days, he was referred to as Saint Nicholas, or St. Nick. In French, he’s referred to as Papa Noel. In modern day English, he’s referred to as Santa Claus. In Plattsburgh, he’s referred to as Otis Sanderson.
High school Key Club star and Modified Bowling “extra” Otis Sanderson has recently filled a position in the Champlain Centre North mall in Plattsburgh, NY as the big ole jolly good fella. Although he applied last year, and was told that “the position has been filled,” there was no St. Nick in Plattsburgh last year. “It’s unacceptable,” cries Sanderson. “This is about the kids. They need to see him to believe in him. Something’s going to have to change this year.” And Sanderson’s determination was enough to bring the father of Christmas back to the ‘burgh. “They flat out lied to me last year, and the kids didn’t get to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what they wanted. I had to make a stand this year,” says Sanderson, with a big grin on his face. “It’s not about me. It’s about bringing joy to the faces of the youth of our community,” he replies.
“We all know he’s just doing it to get little girls to sit on his lap,” replies Luther Brewster. “I’m not sure if he’s trying to get the kids or the moms, but I know that’s why he’s spending his afternoons volunteering to be Santa. He did do Key Club, so there’s that slight possibility it made an impact on him and he still wants to give something back, but I’m pretty sure it’s just to have girls sit on his lap.”
“Maybe he just wants to be in all the pictures,” suggests long time friend, Rufus Feldmore. “I mean, he was Waldo for Halloween, so he was in all kinds of pictures then. Maybe he just has a weird thing or obsession in being in as many pictures as he can? I know I used to have my picture taken with Santa, and with the technology of today, cameras can do wondrous things. I bet he just wants to be tagged on facebook in random people’s pictures.”
“I don’t know,” says naïve, little Carrie Oakey, “he does seem to have a lot of Christmas spirit. I recall many times on the cruise when we’d walk by a bunch of girls and he’d whisper to me, ‘ho, ho, ho,’ and that wasn’t even in December! Also, I think he really likes elves, cuz he likes his girls flat and young, and I’ve never seen a busty elf before.”
When asked what he’d like from his good friend Otis “Santa” Sanderson for Christmas, Yashur al Fuqur replied, “A bottle of Captain, some J.D., a bottle of Jager, another handle of Jack, and some Bud Light.” “Gee, how’d I guess?” replied a dry, sarcastic, unenthused Santa.
When asked what he’d like from his good friend Otis “Santa” Sanderson for Christmas, Stamford Branch replied, “I’d like a date,” accompanied by a wink. “Or maybe a heart to give to my date.” Santa took it the wrong way, and thought Patch meant a date with him. “What do I look like, the Wizard of Oz,” shouts Sanderson angrily at Patch, who’s now shaking trying to hold back tears. “F---! Grow some nuts, get your own date, and don’t ever talk to me again!”
Sanderson was fired for his sudden outburst during which he made one of his customer’s, Patch, cry. For three and a half hours, Sanderson was on top of the world. He enjoyed his reign as Santa so much that he claims he’ll continue to spread cheer and joy, despite the fact that he’s no longer getting’ at Mrs. Clause. In fact, if you don’t believe it, go sit next to him at the bar, tap him on the shoulder and say Merry Christmas. He’ll probably buy you a beer.
You’ll be able to find him right next to Yashur al Fuqur.
Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
High school Key Club star and Modified Bowling “extra” Otis Sanderson has recently filled a position in the Champlain Centre North mall in Plattsburgh, NY as the big ole jolly good fella. Although he applied last year, and was told that “the position has been filled,” there was no St. Nick in Plattsburgh last year. “It’s unacceptable,” cries Sanderson. “This is about the kids. They need to see him to believe in him. Something’s going to have to change this year.” And Sanderson’s determination was enough to bring the father of Christmas back to the ‘burgh. “They flat out lied to me last year, and the kids didn’t get to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what they wanted. I had to make a stand this year,” says Sanderson, with a big grin on his face. “It’s not about me. It’s about bringing joy to the faces of the youth of our community,” he replies.
“We all know he’s just doing it to get little girls to sit on his lap,” replies Luther Brewster. “I’m not sure if he’s trying to get the kids or the moms, but I know that’s why he’s spending his afternoons volunteering to be Santa. He did do Key Club, so there’s that slight possibility it made an impact on him and he still wants to give something back, but I’m pretty sure it’s just to have girls sit on his lap.”
“Maybe he just wants to be in all the pictures,” suggests long time friend, Rufus Feldmore. “I mean, he was Waldo for Halloween, so he was in all kinds of pictures then. Maybe he just has a weird thing or obsession in being in as many pictures as he can? I know I used to have my picture taken with Santa, and with the technology of today, cameras can do wondrous things. I bet he just wants to be tagged on facebook in random people’s pictures.”
“I don’t know,” says naïve, little Carrie Oakey, “he does seem to have a lot of Christmas spirit. I recall many times on the cruise when we’d walk by a bunch of girls and he’d whisper to me, ‘ho, ho, ho,’ and that wasn’t even in December! Also, I think he really likes elves, cuz he likes his girls flat and young, and I’ve never seen a busty elf before.”
When asked what he’d like from his good friend Otis “Santa” Sanderson for Christmas, Yashur al Fuqur replied, “A bottle of Captain, some J.D., a bottle of Jager, another handle of Jack, and some Bud Light.” “Gee, how’d I guess?” replied a dry, sarcastic, unenthused Santa.
When asked what he’d like from his good friend Otis “Santa” Sanderson for Christmas, Stamford Branch replied, “I’d like a date,” accompanied by a wink. “Or maybe a heart to give to my date.” Santa took it the wrong way, and thought Patch meant a date with him. “What do I look like, the Wizard of Oz,” shouts Sanderson angrily at Patch, who’s now shaking trying to hold back tears. “F---! Grow some nuts, get your own date, and don’t ever talk to me again!”
Sanderson was fired for his sudden outburst during which he made one of his customer’s, Patch, cry. For three and a half hours, Sanderson was on top of the world. He enjoyed his reign as Santa so much that he claims he’ll continue to spread cheer and joy, despite the fact that he’s no longer getting’ at Mrs. Clause. In fact, if you don’t believe it, go sit next to him at the bar, tap him on the shoulder and say Merry Christmas. He’ll probably buy you a beer.
You’ll be able to find him right next to Yashur al Fuqur.
Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
FUQUR LOSES PANTS, AND DIGNITY
*Weekend Edition*
Sure, Yashur al Fuqur is an avid drinker. Certainly, his name is known around town as a first rate drinker of all varieties of beer and liquor. This wonder-lick child of Barry and Joanne Norton did not consider one thing when showing his friends how to booze one weekend: wine is a different kind of adversary.
All the boys; Rufus Feldmore, Otis Sanderson, Luther Brewster, Carrie Oakey, and Stamford "Patch" Branch, were out celebrating the one year anniversary of Yashur's victory in the "Punt, Pass, and Throw" competition. Fuqur was going to re-enter the competition but this year his mother took the reigns with a landslide victory, and per the rules, only one family member is allowed. So the fellows were all flocking to their local mid-day favorite joint; David Hammack's house, where Fuqur's fate took a tragic turn for the worse.
"It was as if one second he was rowdy, making fun of me because I only drank 23 beers in 2 hours and he had drank 2 whole handles of whiskey and then the next moment he was no where to be seen," recalled long time friend Otis Sanderson.
"It's all Feldmore's fault," recounts Oakey, "he peer pressured Fuqur into doing it."
"Give me a break, Fuqur needs peer pressure NOT to drink," exclaimed Luther Brewster. "It's not Feldmore's fault that he encouraged Yashur to try funneling an entire box of wine all by himself after drinking beer and whiskey!"
"I thought he could do anything! I thought he was the Michael Jordan of drinking! Turns out he's just the Mugsy Bogues," says sarcastic Stamford Branch.
"Who invited the grandpa?" stammered a completely nude Fuqur, still recovering from the night before. "I need a beer to get rid of this hangover. Wait, where's my pants?"
"Well, we had to strip you naked and put you in the bathtub last night." Explains Oakey.
"Good one, get me a beer." Retorted Fuqur.
"Um, Yahsur," says Branch, "you blacked out, ended up defecating yourself all over, and we had to strip you and throw out your pants. Why would you ever let yourself get so intoxicated that you poop yourself?! We all stayed up all night watching you, well, everyone except for Feldmore."
"Why didn't you help Rufus? Didn't want to see me nakey?" Says Yashur.
"I was stickin all night." Says Feldmore; cool, and casually.
"Whatever, I'd rather sh!t myself then have no hair." Says Fuqur, and immediately, he fell off his chair, spilled his beer all over him, and started laughing.
The scene was a smelly one, this is for sure. Maybe Fuqur will finally learn his lesson, maybe he will ease back on the alcohol, maybe he won't be such a lush, or at the very, very least, maybe he learned not to funnel wine after drinking whiskey and beer. Or maybe his friends need to have an intervention.
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong,
Associated Intern,
Carrie Oakey
Sure, Yashur al Fuqur is an avid drinker. Certainly, his name is known around town as a first rate drinker of all varieties of beer and liquor. This wonder-lick child of Barry and Joanne Norton did not consider one thing when showing his friends how to booze one weekend: wine is a different kind of adversary.
All the boys; Rufus Feldmore, Otis Sanderson, Luther Brewster, Carrie Oakey, and Stamford "Patch" Branch, were out celebrating the one year anniversary of Yashur's victory in the "Punt, Pass, and Throw" competition. Fuqur was going to re-enter the competition but this year his mother took the reigns with a landslide victory, and per the rules, only one family member is allowed. So the fellows were all flocking to their local mid-day favorite joint; David Hammack's house, where Fuqur's fate took a tragic turn for the worse.
"It was as if one second he was rowdy, making fun of me because I only drank 23 beers in 2 hours and he had drank 2 whole handles of whiskey and then the next moment he was no where to be seen," recalled long time friend Otis Sanderson.
"It's all Feldmore's fault," recounts Oakey, "he peer pressured Fuqur into doing it."
"Give me a break, Fuqur needs peer pressure NOT to drink," exclaimed Luther Brewster. "It's not Feldmore's fault that he encouraged Yashur to try funneling an entire box of wine all by himself after drinking beer and whiskey!"
"I thought he could do anything! I thought he was the Michael Jordan of drinking! Turns out he's just the Mugsy Bogues," says sarcastic Stamford Branch.
"Who invited the grandpa?" stammered a completely nude Fuqur, still recovering from the night before. "I need a beer to get rid of this hangover. Wait, where's my pants?"
"Well, we had to strip you naked and put you in the bathtub last night." Explains Oakey.
"Good one, get me a beer." Retorted Fuqur.
"Um, Yahsur," says Branch, "you blacked out, ended up defecating yourself all over, and we had to strip you and throw out your pants. Why would you ever let yourself get so intoxicated that you poop yourself?! We all stayed up all night watching you, well, everyone except for Feldmore."
"Why didn't you help Rufus? Didn't want to see me nakey?" Says Yashur.
"I was stickin all night." Says Feldmore; cool, and casually.
"Whatever, I'd rather sh!t myself then have no hair." Says Fuqur, and immediately, he fell off his chair, spilled his beer all over him, and started laughing.
The scene was a smelly one, this is for sure. Maybe Fuqur will finally learn his lesson, maybe he will ease back on the alcohol, maybe he won't be such a lush, or at the very, very least, maybe he learned not to funnel wine after drinking whiskey and beer. Or maybe his friends need to have an intervention.
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong,
Associated Intern,
Carrie Oakey
LOCAL MAN HONORED
Geoffrey’s Pub, Plattsburgh, NY (AP) - Abner Doubleday was credited with inventing America’s national pastime, baseball. However, when one thinks of all the greats who have played the sport, he’s usually not the first to pop up. Well, drinking was invented way back in the caveman’s day, but whether we’re sitting down to grab a brew with dinner or to black right the eph out like Yashur al Fuqur does, you don’t propose a toast to the cavemen. No. But when Plattsburgh thinks of it’s own local drinking heroes, one man stands out among the rest. Yes, Yashur al Fuqur has an edge on the rest of the North Country when it comes to alcohol(ism).
Last weekend he won the “Punt, Pass, Throw Award,” go figure. And it’s not like his family really threw a huge celebration of the marvelous victory. It was more as if it was expected, if not planned. They didn’t brag, they just celebrated as if they’d all been there before. Well, it turns out they have! Two years ago, Barry Norton took home the award. This year, Yashur took the award from the incumbent, Matthew Norton who snagged it from his father the year before. It really was expected of Yashur to win, as he was the only Norton appearing in this year’s contest.
“I kind of think the pub should give everyone else a handicap,” states Carrie Oakey, slightly shocked. “It’s not even fair. If a Fuqur walks in that door, they might as well carve his name into the damn trophy right then and there!”
“When Otis told me the news, it was like hearing that the Red Sox lost again,” cries Luther Brewster. “It just seemed so obvious that that’s they way it’d turn out. If there’s a competition, a Fuqur has a shot at winning. But if it involves drinking, then a Fuqur has a secure gold medal. I remember we had a drinking contest at a pub crawl in Rome, and Yashur won. When we told Randy, he was like, ‘Congratulations Yashur, you’re really good at drinking,’ and it was as if he had no doubt Yashur would win.”
“That’s my sweet stateroom mate!” states an excited, enthusiastic, proud Otis Sanderson.
“Go figure! Yashur won a drinking contest, I never saw that coming,” cries a sarcastic Stamford "Patch" Branch. “That’s like saying Feldmore woke up with a strange woman in his bed…it’s common routine!”
“Yeah I expected him to win,” admits Rufus Feldmore. “He drank the most liquor. But what he doesn’t know, is that I was snaking all of the women’s phone numbers.” It’s true. Once Feldmore entered through that doorway, the ladies didn’t care who won the competition. They didn’t even pay attention to it anymore. They started flirting with golden stud.
“I was p-p-pretty confident,” says a stuttering and slurring, yet victorious, Yashur al Fuqur, “but I was a lilllll scared. But then it just started going down like water, and I heard Barry cheering me on, and I guess it was close. Who won?” asks Fuqur. Um, Yashur, YOU won. “Oh, I guess I blacked out,” he admits, while still shooting Jager.
Due to the hat trick of Norton victories, the pub has since re-named its specials. A double Jack and diet is now call a “Snypa,” after Yashur da Snypa al Fuqur. A gin and tonic, hold the gin is now known as a “rat ‘stache.” A buttery nipple is also called a “JoJo Nip,” and a vodka cranberry, with a side shot of 151, followed by a penalty shot of Jager is the “Bearded Barry.”
Although it was a proud day for the North Country as it’s hometown boozebag and host of the event Yashur al Fuqur defeated contenders from all over New England, it was just a normal day for the al Fuqur family. Yeah they won a drinking contest, so what, they’re used to it. Yeah they all blacked out around 4:57pm, so what, they won’t remember. And yeah they were all hungover the next day, but so what…they weren’t nearly as hungover as they’ll be on Thanksgiving. Why? Because they don’t have to work on Thanksgiving, so there’s no reason for them to stop drinking the night before.
Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
FELDMORE'S REPUGNANCE FOR MEGAN'S LAW
Quahog, Rhode Island:
We all have an eerie secret about us. We all have something we are hiding from people we know. Maybe it's because we're embarrassed, self-conscious, nervous, or repulsed by something we've done. We've all had the "fat girl" morning after feeling. We all hope no one, especially our friends, saw us go home with that mammoth of a person the night before. Others have different types of enigmas.
I talk about stocks and school. Luther Brewster talks about Gossip Girl and the Yankees. Otis Sanderson talks about minor league baseball and how hot old women golfers are. Stamford "Patch" Branch talks about his muster sessions. Not Rufus Feldmore, he takes it to a new level. He talks about sex offenders. Why are you so interested in this Megan's Law Rufus? Is someone trying to cover their steps? Is someone trying to bury the hatchet?
"It was hilarious, it was all of us…Feldmore, Branch, Luther Brewster, Oakey and I hanging out," explains Otis Sanderson, "and when the cops showed up to take away the sex offender, they immediately put Patch in the car."
"What the hell?!" Yells Patch, "I didn't do anything! I was here just to mmmmuuusssttteeerrr" he says excitedly.
The cop yelled back, "CALM DOWN SIR. YOU ARE THE SEX OFFENDER, YOU FIT ALL OF THE PHYSICAL CRITERIA OF A STAGE 1 OVER-THE-TOP-I-HIDE-IN-LITTLE-BOYS-CLOSETS SEX OFFENDER. You're the type that looks like the "soothing father figure" with your receding hairline and molester ‘stache that think you can coddle young children. And you even go over-board and attempt to become a school counselor, you sick perv!"
At the scene, once all of the guys stopped crying out of pure laughter, they felt obligated to tell the officer that they had the wrong guy. "Well, we're looking for a Rufus Charles Feldmore," explained the officer.
Flabbergasted, the group gasped in awe. "That's impossible, Feldmore gets more chicks than all of us combined. He gets more @$$ than a toilet seat." Explained long time friend Luther Brewster.
"Um, how did you find out?" Asks a befuddled Rufus Feldmore.
"You never registered with us, which is Megan's Law," explained the officer.
"Where's Megan's bra?" says an inebriated Yashur al Fuqur. "I want to see this bra you're all flapping your gums about," mutters Fuqur as he sips his morning "coffee."
"Sir, are you okay?" asked the officer to Fuqur.
"YOU'RE OKAY!" jolted Fuqur, as he laughs whole-heartedly as if he said the funniest thing in the world.
As all of the friends stood there perplexed, they couldn't come to a sane conclusion as to what happened. So they simply asked. "Feldie, what happened? We'll still be your friends." Said the creepy school counselor who acts like Mr. Herbert from Family Guy.
"Well, I hooked up with Jenny from Gossip Girl." Says Feldmore, "And she's 15."
The boys were astonished. They thought he was weird when they first heard the sex offender news, now, instead, they were all purely jealous. Somehow, Rufus Feldmore managed to turn from a registered sex offender, to the envy of all of his friends within seconds.
"I would!" yelled Otis Sanderson.
So as the cops drove off with Rufus Feldmore and Yashur al Fuqur (for open container and public drunkenness at 10:43 AM on a Wednesday), the friends were on their way to bail out Feldmore. They decided they'd leave Yashur in the drunk tank.
Rufus Feldmore is more than just a friend. He's the epitome of a good man, with good intentions, he's the wonder-lick child from Tom Miller Road, he's the captain of the hockey team, the Italian heart throb, the body of a Greek god, the envy of all of his friends, and the cherry popper of a gorgeous 15 year old girl.
Associated Press Substitute,
Carrie Oakey
We all have an eerie secret about us. We all have something we are hiding from people we know. Maybe it's because we're embarrassed, self-conscious, nervous, or repulsed by something we've done. We've all had the "fat girl" morning after feeling. We all hope no one, especially our friends, saw us go home with that mammoth of a person the night before. Others have different types of enigmas.
I talk about stocks and school. Luther Brewster talks about Gossip Girl and the Yankees. Otis Sanderson talks about minor league baseball and how hot old women golfers are. Stamford "Patch" Branch talks about his muster sessions. Not Rufus Feldmore, he takes it to a new level. He talks about sex offenders. Why are you so interested in this Megan's Law Rufus? Is someone trying to cover their steps? Is someone trying to bury the hatchet?
"It was hilarious, it was all of us…Feldmore, Branch, Luther Brewster, Oakey and I hanging out," explains Otis Sanderson, "and when the cops showed up to take away the sex offender, they immediately put Patch in the car."
"What the hell?!" Yells Patch, "I didn't do anything! I was here just to mmmmuuusssttteeerrr" he says excitedly.
The cop yelled back, "CALM DOWN SIR. YOU ARE THE SEX OFFENDER, YOU FIT ALL OF THE PHYSICAL CRITERIA OF A STAGE 1 OVER-THE-TOP-I-HIDE-IN-LITTLE-BOYS-CLOSETS SEX OFFENDER. You're the type that looks like the "soothing father figure" with your receding hairline and molester ‘stache that think you can coddle young children. And you even go over-board and attempt to become a school counselor, you sick perv!"
At the scene, once all of the guys stopped crying out of pure laughter, they felt obligated to tell the officer that they had the wrong guy. "Well, we're looking for a Rufus Charles Feldmore," explained the officer.
Flabbergasted, the group gasped in awe. "That's impossible, Feldmore gets more chicks than all of us combined. He gets more @$$ than a toilet seat." Explained long time friend Luther Brewster.
"Um, how did you find out?" Asks a befuddled Rufus Feldmore.
"You never registered with us, which is Megan's Law," explained the officer.
"Where's Megan's bra?" says an inebriated Yashur al Fuqur. "I want to see this bra you're all flapping your gums about," mutters Fuqur as he sips his morning "coffee."
"Sir, are you okay?" asked the officer to Fuqur.
"YOU'RE OKAY!" jolted Fuqur, as he laughs whole-heartedly as if he said the funniest thing in the world.
As all of the friends stood there perplexed, they couldn't come to a sane conclusion as to what happened. So they simply asked. "Feldie, what happened? We'll still be your friends." Said the creepy school counselor who acts like Mr. Herbert from Family Guy.
"Well, I hooked up with Jenny from Gossip Girl." Says Feldmore, "And she's 15."
The boys were astonished. They thought he was weird when they first heard the sex offender news, now, instead, they were all purely jealous. Somehow, Rufus Feldmore managed to turn from a registered sex offender, to the envy of all of his friends within seconds.
"I would!" yelled Otis Sanderson.
So as the cops drove off with Rufus Feldmore and Yashur al Fuqur (for open container and public drunkenness at 10:43 AM on a Wednesday), the friends were on their way to bail out Feldmore. They decided they'd leave Yashur in the drunk tank.
Rufus Feldmore is more than just a friend. He's the epitome of a good man, with good intentions, he's the wonder-lick child from Tom Miller Road, he's the captain of the hockey team, the Italian heart throb, the body of a Greek god, the envy of all of his friends, and the cherry popper of a gorgeous 15 year old girl.
Associated Press Substitute,
Carrie Oakey
CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL IT, FUQUR IS AN ALCOHOLIC
Peabody’s, Plattsburgh, NY (AP): When someone really likes something, they can become dangerously obsessive. For example, if someone is a die-hard Pirates fan, they could become a serious fanatic. If someone is obsessed with weightlifting, they could become a gym-rat. If someone is obsessed with computers, they could become a computer nerd or computer geek. If someone is obsessed with Paula Abdul, they could become a stalker. Yashur al Fuqur is obsessed with alcohol, and Yashur al Fuqur IS an alcoholic.
If you’ll glance back and notice the setting of this article, it’s not just Plattsburgh. Nope. It’s Peabody’s. It’s the only place other than the Green Room (which is closed during the day) that he would be available for interview. And yes, it was extremely difficult to process this interview in the first place, one, because he’s already slurring, and two, because he won’t take long enough between sips to complete a sentence.
“He certainly ran up his tab on the cruise,“ recalls long time friend, Mike Rivers. “It was pretty impressive, but quite disturbing too. It’s not like he just bought drinks for everyone he saw. He literally drank 800 bones worth of booze on his own! And the best part is, I got a drunk dial that night that we got home. Yeah, he actually went out in Plattsburgh on the Sunday that we got back.”
“When I think of an alcoholic, I picture a homeless guy, dirty, no voice, begging for change. That’s not Yashur at all, and yet they’re both in the same category,” explains fellow friend, Carrie Oakey. “It’s kind of comforting though, just knowing that if I can’t find anyone else to go out with on any night of the week, I’ll never have to go alone. I’ll just have to find whichever bar is regrettably serving Yashur, and I’ll have a pal to sit next to.”
“That’s my sweet stateroom mate!” added an impressed, excited, enthusiastic, and proud Otis Sanderson.
“There’s definitely something wrong with that kid,” mutters Rufus Feldmore, in disbelief, with a side of amazement. “A part of me wishes I could do that too, but even more importantly, there’s stuff I like to do outside of bars, like, um, my job, and watch movies. And the ladies,” he added with a smirk.
“That’s why I can’t have a relationship with him,” admits a crying Casey Cowan. “I’d never get to see him. He lives, eats, and sleeps at bars, and he wouldn’t have time for me or the twins.”
“I couldn’t do it. No way,” declares Stamford Branch. “If I drank as much as he does, I wouldn’t have anything left in me. I’d lose it.” And before Yashur could credit card Branch, he fell backwards off his barstool.
To many, he’s an alcoholic. But to others, he’s also a hero. After all, he does work with kids, acting as a role model. He does go to church (where he was cut off last week after a four second chug of the holy water). Not only that, he was the first one on the scene when the Comfort Inn went up in flames. Unfortunately, he had just come out of Legends, and he tried to pour his beer on the fire, which only ignited it more.
But after all, he is still Yashur al Fuqur. He is still a friend, a teammate, and a sweet stateroom mate. There’s a lot to Yashur al Fuqur other than alcohol. Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as fun to write about.
Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
If you’ll glance back and notice the setting of this article, it’s not just Plattsburgh. Nope. It’s Peabody’s. It’s the only place other than the Green Room (which is closed during the day) that he would be available for interview. And yes, it was extremely difficult to process this interview in the first place, one, because he’s already slurring, and two, because he won’t take long enough between sips to complete a sentence.
“He certainly ran up his tab on the cruise,“ recalls long time friend, Mike Rivers. “It was pretty impressive, but quite disturbing too. It’s not like he just bought drinks for everyone he saw. He literally drank 800 bones worth of booze on his own! And the best part is, I got a drunk dial that night that we got home. Yeah, he actually went out in Plattsburgh on the Sunday that we got back.”
“When I think of an alcoholic, I picture a homeless guy, dirty, no voice, begging for change. That’s not Yashur at all, and yet they’re both in the same category,” explains fellow friend, Carrie Oakey. “It’s kind of comforting though, just knowing that if I can’t find anyone else to go out with on any night of the week, I’ll never have to go alone. I’ll just have to find whichever bar is regrettably serving Yashur, and I’ll have a pal to sit next to.”
“That’s my sweet stateroom mate!” added an impressed, excited, enthusiastic, and proud Otis Sanderson.
“There’s definitely something wrong with that kid,” mutters Rufus Feldmore, in disbelief, with a side of amazement. “A part of me wishes I could do that too, but even more importantly, there’s stuff I like to do outside of bars, like, um, my job, and watch movies. And the ladies,” he added with a smirk.
“That’s why I can’t have a relationship with him,” admits a crying Casey Cowan. “I’d never get to see him. He lives, eats, and sleeps at bars, and he wouldn’t have time for me or the twins.”
“I couldn’t do it. No way,” declares Stamford Branch. “If I drank as much as he does, I wouldn’t have anything left in me. I’d lose it.” And before Yashur could credit card Branch, he fell backwards off his barstool.
To many, he’s an alcoholic. But to others, he’s also a hero. After all, he does work with kids, acting as a role model. He does go to church (where he was cut off last week after a four second chug of the holy water). Not only that, he was the first one on the scene when the Comfort Inn went up in flames. Unfortunately, he had just come out of Legends, and he tried to pour his beer on the fire, which only ignited it more.
But after all, he is still Yashur al Fuqur. He is still a friend, a teammate, and a sweet stateroom mate. There’s a lot to Yashur al Fuqur other than alcohol. Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as fun to write about.
Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
CONGELOSI ARRIVING, BARS PROVIDING
New York City (AP): There has been word that a certain guest will be arriving in New York City on the evening of November 14, 2008. In response, the bars have stocked up on beer, bourbon, and top shelf liquors, and trucks will be bringing refills in around midnight. Local hotels have been notified, and additional rooms have become available for outside guests who will be pouring in from all over the world to see the historic guest. In fact, Manhattan residents have offered to rent out their spare bedrooms for a steep price, but out-of-towners are willing to pay whatever it will take to see the man of honor. His name is Congelosi. ChrimpsthP Congelosi.
Only few have actually seen it, but many have heard. I’m talking about his move…his famous dance move. It’s been imitated, copied, duplicated, but none, not one single remake, can compare to the real thing. The real thing is the ChrimpsthP Congelosi Back It Up move. You know, the one where he reads from the pamphlet as he's backing his sweet rear into the lap of participating and non-participating ladies.
“It’s incredible! I’ve never in my life seen anything like it. I’ve tried it myself, but it just didn’t get the reaction and attention that the actual move gets,” declares long time friend Matt “Scissors” Rivers. “Normally, after a decent night, I'll catch ChrimpsthP giving out autographs to his fans. And that's just a decent night. You can imagine what he gives his fans on a great night!”
“It’s true. He backed it up last weekend on my Grandma. Ma had no idea what hit her,” replies Haley Trombley. “It was hysterical! In fact, I got a call from Poppi this morning and apparently she tried backing it up on him last night! That move is spreading like wildfire. I can’t wait to see the actual thing tonight.” And you will see it, and you will be honored, because it’s a privilege to cut rug with the King of All Cutters, ChrimpsthP “Jack knife” Congelosi.
“The whole city of Plattsburgh goes out on Friday nights hoping to witness it,” states his older brother, Joseph “CongoMan” Congelosi III. “I am a bouncer at the Monopole, and on nights when Chris goes out, my work is over doubled. I’m tossing people left and right,” shouts CongoMan, all revved up. “Yeah, last weekend, I saw him toss 6 guys twice his size,” replies Ryan McMartin, friend of the Congelosies.
“I don’t doubt it for a second,” says Mike Rivers, fellow buddy of the brothers Congo. “Joe was a phenomenal linebacker in high school. He could really hit people. He hit real hard, and the whistle couldn’t even stop him. I saw this underage girl, couldn't have been more than 90-92 pounds, trying to get into his bar once, and Joe just flat out leveled her, denying her access to the bar and entitling her to a free ambulance ride and admittance to the hospital."
The arrival time of ChrimpsthP and gang into the city is 6pm, and it’s been said that he will bust out his first move in Tonic at 12:28am, allowing for ample pre-gaming time. The bars will certainly be packed, so onlookers should get there early. "I know we'll get in on time. I mean, I AM a bouncer," re-states CongoMan, who thinks just walking up to his bouncer brethren will allow him a free pass. Chances are, it won't. But ChrimpsthP is sure to get his Brew Crew in on time.
“No, I don’t consider myself a celebrity,” admits a modest ChrimpsthP. “I’m just lookin’ to go out and drink and maybe do a little cuttin.’ I’m more focused on my drinking,” he says with a slight chuckle, as he sips his Brew. “I’m gonna drink so much they better have a hospital bed with my name on it,” he jokes.
It was later reported that he wasn’t joking when he said that. In fact, precautious funeral arrangements were made just in case.
Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
Only few have actually seen it, but many have heard. I’m talking about his move…his famous dance move. It’s been imitated, copied, duplicated, but none, not one single remake, can compare to the real thing. The real thing is the ChrimpsthP Congelosi Back It Up move. You know, the one where he reads from the pamphlet as he's backing his sweet rear into the lap of participating and non-participating ladies.
“It’s incredible! I’ve never in my life seen anything like it. I’ve tried it myself, but it just didn’t get the reaction and attention that the actual move gets,” declares long time friend Matt “Scissors” Rivers. “Normally, after a decent night, I'll catch ChrimpsthP giving out autographs to his fans. And that's just a decent night. You can imagine what he gives his fans on a great night!”
“It’s true. He backed it up last weekend on my Grandma. Ma had no idea what hit her,” replies Haley Trombley. “It was hysterical! In fact, I got a call from Poppi this morning and apparently she tried backing it up on him last night! That move is spreading like wildfire. I can’t wait to see the actual thing tonight.” And you will see it, and you will be honored, because it’s a privilege to cut rug with the King of All Cutters, ChrimpsthP “Jack knife” Congelosi.
“The whole city of Plattsburgh goes out on Friday nights hoping to witness it,” states his older brother, Joseph “CongoMan” Congelosi III. “I am a bouncer at the Monopole, and on nights when Chris goes out, my work is over doubled. I’m tossing people left and right,” shouts CongoMan, all revved up. “Yeah, last weekend, I saw him toss 6 guys twice his size,” replies Ryan McMartin, friend of the Congelosies.
“I don’t doubt it for a second,” says Mike Rivers, fellow buddy of the brothers Congo. “Joe was a phenomenal linebacker in high school. He could really hit people. He hit real hard, and the whistle couldn’t even stop him. I saw this underage girl, couldn't have been more than 90-92 pounds, trying to get into his bar once, and Joe just flat out leveled her, denying her access to the bar and entitling her to a free ambulance ride and admittance to the hospital."
The arrival time of ChrimpsthP and gang into the city is 6pm, and it’s been said that he will bust out his first move in Tonic at 12:28am, allowing for ample pre-gaming time. The bars will certainly be packed, so onlookers should get there early. "I know we'll get in on time. I mean, I AM a bouncer," re-states CongoMan, who thinks just walking up to his bouncer brethren will allow him a free pass. Chances are, it won't. But ChrimpsthP is sure to get his Brew Crew in on time.
“No, I don’t consider myself a celebrity,” admits a modest ChrimpsthP. “I’m just lookin’ to go out and drink and maybe do a little cuttin.’ I’m more focused on my drinking,” he says with a slight chuckle, as he sips his Brew. “I’m gonna drink so much they better have a hospital bed with my name on it,” he jokes.
It was later reported that he wasn’t joking when he said that. In fact, precautious funeral arrangements were made just in case.
Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
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