Geoffrey’s Pub, Plattsburgh, NY (AP) - Abner Doubleday was credited with inventing America’s national pastime, baseball. However, when one thinks of all the greats who have played the sport, he’s usually not the first to pop up. Well, drinking was invented way back in the caveman’s day, but whether we’re sitting down to grab a brew with dinner or to black right the eph out like Yashur al Fuqur does, you don’t propose a toast to the cavemen. No. But when Plattsburgh thinks of it’s own local drinking heroes, one man stands out among the rest. Yes, Yashur al Fuqur has an edge on the rest of the North Country when it comes to alcohol(ism).
Last weekend he won the “Punt, Pass, Throw Award,” go figure. And it’s not like his family really threw a huge celebration of the marvelous victory. It was more as if it was expected, if not planned. They didn’t brag, they just celebrated as if they’d all been there before. Well, it turns out they have! Two years ago, Barry Norton took home the award. This year, Yashur took the award from the incumbent, Matthew Norton who snagged it from his father the year before. It really was expected of Yashur to win, as he was the only Norton appearing in this year’s contest.
“I kind of think the pub should give everyone else a handicap,” states Carrie Oakey, slightly shocked. “It’s not even fair. If a Fuqur walks in that door, they might as well carve his name into the damn trophy right then and there!”
“When Otis told me the news, it was like hearing that the Red Sox lost again,” cries Luther Brewster. “It just seemed so obvious that that’s they way it’d turn out. If there’s a competition, a Fuqur has a shot at winning. But if it involves drinking, then a Fuqur has a secure gold medal. I remember we had a drinking contest at a pub crawl in Rome, and Yashur won. When we told Randy, he was like, ‘Congratulations Yashur, you’re really good at drinking,’ and it was as if he had no doubt Yashur would win.”
“That’s my sweet stateroom mate!” states an excited, enthusiastic, proud Otis Sanderson.
“Go figure! Yashur won a drinking contest, I never saw that coming,” cries a sarcastic Stamford "Patch" Branch. “That’s like saying Feldmore woke up with a strange woman in his bed…it’s common routine!”
“Yeah I expected him to win,” admits Rufus Feldmore. “He drank the most liquor. But what he doesn’t know, is that I was snaking all of the women’s phone numbers.” It’s true. Once Feldmore entered through that doorway, the ladies didn’t care who won the competition. They didn’t even pay attention to it anymore. They started flirting with golden stud.
“I was p-p-pretty confident,” says a stuttering and slurring, yet victorious, Yashur al Fuqur, “but I was a lilllll scared. But then it just started going down like water, and I heard Barry cheering me on, and I guess it was close. Who won?” asks Fuqur. Um, Yashur, YOU won. “Oh, I guess I blacked out,” he admits, while still shooting Jager.
Due to the hat trick of Norton victories, the pub has since re-named its specials. A double Jack and diet is now call a “Snypa,” after Yashur da Snypa al Fuqur. A gin and tonic, hold the gin is now known as a “rat ‘stache.” A buttery nipple is also called a “JoJo Nip,” and a vodka cranberry, with a side shot of 151, followed by a penalty shot of Jager is the “Bearded Barry.”
Although it was a proud day for the North Country as it’s hometown boozebag and host of the event Yashur al Fuqur defeated contenders from all over New England, it was just a normal day for the al Fuqur family. Yeah they won a drinking contest, so what, they’re used to it. Yeah they all blacked out around 4:57pm, so what, they won’t remember. And yeah they were all hungover the next day, but so what…they weren’t nearly as hungover as they’ll be on Thanksgiving. Why? Because they don’t have to work on Thanksgiving, so there’s no reason for them to stop drinking the night before.
Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
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