DO YOU KNOW THE MUSTER MAN?

Yashur’s Yearbook
Plattsburgh, NY (AP) – “The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man sending back soup at the deli!” “I’m gonna kill that kid!” These are both quotes, the former from Seinfeld character George Castanza, and the latter from classic comedy character Harry from Home Alone, that are made famous by the people who say them. Well there is a local man that has his own famous saying; he is well known for standing on a table and yelling “WELL I MUSSSSSSSTA!”

No matter the time, place, or situation, Stamford “Patch” Branch, also lovingly known as the “Muster Man,” does not cease to fire up the entire group of people within earshot of his famous bellow. Longtime friend and fellow brew master Otis Sanderson says “Stamford, whether he means to or not, ALWAYS gets the party started! All he has to do is hop on a table and yell, and everyone gets revved up!”

“Well I never noticed his yelling before, probably because I’m too busy trying to hit on all the girls at the party,” says professional studmuffin Rufus Feldmore. “Anyway, normally by the time people start partying I have one, or maybe two, girls in my room already,” he states with a sly wink.

“Mustard!?” asks local legend Randy Lozier, confusing the war cry of Branch with the condiment. “Did someone say food!?” questions the rotund referee of the North Country. “I’m all in!”

“No, Randy” says the creepy Luther Brewster, standing around staring at a group of unsuspecting girls (they didn’t know because Feldmore was infatuating them with his charm). “We are not talking about food or gambling, so you are probably not interested. Just go back to stalking people on Facebook.”

“I thought they were talking about mustard, too!” reports the top heavy bus driver Jordan Maille. “I hate mustard on food, but I bet mustard flavored cigarettes would be GREAT!” he states jovially, like a smelly, unkempt Santa Claus.

“I didn’t know my performances were such a hit at parties!” states an excited and unaware Stamford Branch. He was not available for many comments because he was singing “My Sharona” for the fourth time of the night. He did ad, however “I know I’m a hit! Look at Fuqur on the floor laughing. He can’t even stand up!”
No he can’t stand up. That’s because he’s been drunk for 36 hours straight, claiming “Hey! That’s what vacation is for!” Little does Stamford know that Yashur can’t get up because he is HAMMERED. Also, he’s laughing really hard at the cute, pint-sized sidekick Carrie Oakey firing viscous fistpumps straight up into the air!

Stamford is certainly famous for many reasons. His great personality, his many friends, and his unbelievable performances are all reasons that people love to have him around. Little does he know, his biggest gimmick is his famous bellow… “Well I mustaaaaaah!”


Aspiring staff writer
Yashur Al Fuqher