CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL IT, FUQUR IS AN ALCOHOLIC

Peabody’s, Plattsburgh, NY (AP): When someone really likes something, they can become dangerously obsessive. For example, if someone is a die-hard Pirates fan, they could become a serious fanatic. If someone is obsessed with weightlifting, they could become a gym-rat. If someone is obsessed with computers, they could become a computer nerd or computer geek. If someone is obsessed with Paula Abdul, they could become a stalker. Yashur al Fuqur is obsessed with alcohol, and Yashur al Fuqur IS an alcoholic.

If you’ll glance back and notice the setting of this article, it’s not just Plattsburgh. Nope. It’s Peabody’s. It’s the only place other than the Green Room (which is closed during the day) that he would be available for interview. And yes, it was extremely difficult to process this interview in the first place, one, because he’s already slurring, and two, because he won’t take long enough between sips to complete a sentence.

“He certainly ran up his tab on the cruise,“ recalls long time friend, Mike Rivers. “It was pretty impressive, but quite disturbing too. It’s not like he just bought drinks for everyone he saw. He literally drank 800 bones worth of booze on his own! And the best part is, I got a drunk dial that night that we got home. Yeah, he actually went out in Plattsburgh on the Sunday that we got back.”

“When I think of an alcoholic, I picture a homeless guy, dirty, no voice, begging for change. That’s not Yashur at all, and yet they’re both in the same category,” explains fellow friend, Carrie Oakey. “It’s kind of comforting though, just knowing that if I can’t find anyone else to go out with on any night of the week, I’ll never have to go alone. I’ll just have to find whichever bar is regrettably serving Yashur, and I’ll have a pal to sit next to.”

“That’s my sweet stateroom mate!” added an impressed, excited, enthusiastic, and proud Otis Sanderson.

“There’s definitely something wrong with that kid,” mutters Rufus Feldmore, in disbelief, with a side of amazement. “A part of me wishes I could do that too, but even more importantly, there’s stuff I like to do outside of bars, like, um, my job, and watch movies. And the ladies,” he added with a smirk.

“That’s why I can’t have a relationship with him,” admits a crying Casey Cowan. “I’d never get to see him. He lives, eats, and sleeps at bars, and he wouldn’t have time for me or the twins.”

“I couldn’t do it. No way,” declares Stamford Branch. “If I drank as much as he does, I wouldn’t have anything left in me. I’d lose it.” And before Yashur could credit card Branch, he fell backwards off his barstool.

To many, he’s an alcoholic. But to others, he’s also a hero. After all, he does work with kids, acting as a role model. He does go to church (where he was cut off last week after a four second chug of the holy water). Not only that, he was the first one on the scene when the Comfort Inn went up in flames. Unfortunately, he had just come out of Legends, and he tried to pour his beer on the fire, which only ignited it more.

But after all, he is still Yashur al Fuqur. He is still a friend, a teammate, and a sweet stateroom mate. There’s a lot to Yashur al Fuqur other than alcohol. Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as fun to write about.

Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson