In Memory of a Plattsburgh Hot Spot

Yashur’s Yearbook

Plattsburgh, NY – It is a wonderful time of year. Families gather together. Friends visit each other. This time of year is none other than Easter time. A time when the snow is melting, grass beginning to show, and sweet honey’s start getting out their bikinis to sun tan on the roofs of apartment buildings across the city. It is in this time frame, however, that the lives of a local group of friends were changed forever.

Three years ago this spring will be the anniversary of legendary 101 Brinkerhoff going down in flames. Although the alleged culprit has been arrested for his crime, there have been many stories about the actual cause of the inferno.

Resident of the apartment building Yashur al Faqur said, “We were very close to having a party that night. Good thing we all (by that I mean mostly me) got so drunk the night before that we decided to call it off! I definitely would have been passed out by then.”

Longtime friend and regular visitor to the historic landmark remarks, “I wonder if all of the alcohol in that place, especially on the floor, made it go up really fast. I know I certainly spilled all over that place; the floor, my sweatpants, even my Ronnie P. cutoff!! Good thing I have about 20 more of those.”

Luther Brewster, who was not present at the time, fingers (from extremely far away) a possible suspect. “After finding out that my beer pong table was destroyed I became very curious as to who would commit such a terrible act. I know that Feldmore was around the night before, but for some reason he disappeared for a long time with a girl. I bet all the friction he made by stickin’ caused that place to go up in flames! IT'S SCIENCE!”

Feldmore, however, remembers the story differently. “You should have seen Luther out that night. I have never seen anyone so creepy. Any girl that was around he would put his arm around and have touch his fingers. I don’t know what his problem was, but it was probably one of those girls who lit the fire thinking they would take out the sex offender in the inferno.” (Little do they know that the only sex offender in the Rivers family is the afore mentioned Otis).

“It couldn’t have been me!” says the extremely cute and innocent looking Carrie Oakey. “First of all, I was really full after ordering $20 dollars worth of Little Caesar’s, so I didn’t even move that night. Second of all, I get IDed everywhere. There is no way that people would have sold me anything to light an apartment on fire! Look at me! I look really young (however he failed to mention ADORABLE as well)!”

And this is a valid point. However there is one among us that does not, as Mick Jaggar once wrote, have time on his side. Although most people believe that he is a nice and innocent man, why do you think such a hairy man would be missing what he has an abundance of on the top of his head!? Cruel joke played by an extremely funny God, or accidental burn!? And we all know age wouldn’t be an issue.

So what really happened? Was Stamford Branch mad because Matt Ryan kicked a bottle in his face!? Was he singing so much with the vacuum that it spontaneously combusted (I bet some girls wish they could do that when Luther is creeping them out)? Or did his razor malfunction while shaving his arms and chest!? We may never no, but I hope he can live with the fact that an innocent man rots in jail while he is out abusing Pringles’ cans.
Perhaps Deacon Frank can forgive him.

Yashur Al Fuqer