INFLUENTIAL INFORMATION INSIDERS

Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods. Phil Collins. The Easter Bunny. Osama Bin Laden. Tina Turner. Yashur al Faqur. Michael Phelps. These are names we are all familiar with for being the very best at their own skills. We all find a niche, and we intend to dominate that sector, whether it be sports, music, hopping around, drinking, destructing, or dancing. One start-up publication has turned from a low-scale, low subscription press, to a mega-high volume, world-renown satirical newspaper.

"I'm speechless," says the stunned Otis T. Sanderson, "When I first created this newspaper I didn't have high expectations. I just wanted to have a little fun, make a joke or two. I never thought it'd turn into the powerhouse that it is today!"

Well, your lowest expectations have created a mastermind company that The Wall Street Journal and New York Times are envious of. "I can't believe people take this publication seriously. My workers and I are out there everyday, bringing you up to date news dealing with economics, businesses, and everything that actually matters," explains disgruntled Wall Street Journal CEO Fernando Aguirre, "This is erroneous!"

"Sure, some may not take us seriously, but our writers really know how to connect with all different varieties of the public," explains long time writer, Luther Brewster, "We've expanded our employees to include all different races and genders, which open us up to new subscribers."

"Yeah, I almost quit the other day when we accepted not only a woman, but a black woman at that," states an angry Rufus Feldmore, "I mean, I'm so much better than them, and above them. They should be proof-reading my work at most. Whatever, as long as the women are below me (literally and figuratively) then I guess it's acceptable."

"I'm so grateful to be a part of the staff here," explains the second newest member, Ronaldo Applebottom, "I really enjoy writing for this paper. They let me use my imagination and write about whatever I want, it's great! And I can finally afford to purchase a new car and get rid of this wretched minivan!"

"I'm just happy I have more cash to get more bling," says newest member, O'nohie Diddent. "It helps me pay for my 5 kids too. It ain't easy ya know? N*gg*s always tryin to be getting me down," says Diddent, as Feldmore rolls his eyes.

"I have so much more time and money to buy more alcohol now," explains the obvious detriment to the team, Yashur Al Fuqur. "I don't have a set schedule, I write on my own time, which is usually half-way between my 7th shot of Jack and 5th brew. I work best when I have a buzz going! It also lets me sleep all day, and it works out great since I have time to attend my court-ordered AA meetings!"

"Yeah, we do have a phenomenal team here at Sanderson Times," said Otis, "unfortunately, I had to take away Yashur's flask while he's in the office. He can do whatever he wants outside of the office, but in here, we mean business."

This company has their head on straight. They plan to go public within a few weeks, and coincidentally, to their complete and utter dismay, the Wall Street Journal expects this company to skyrocket and have one of the most booming stocks of the decade!

I must say, as the fellow Chief Staff Writer for this publication, I am proud of my staff. We all have our own styles, our own quirks, but we deliver the news, and we deliver it in style. We bring our "A" game every time we write, and we write with our heart, which is our number one factor in surmounting such an exceptional rise to the top. I hope our staff has a great Holiday season, they all have deserved it.

Until Next Time,
Carrie Oakey