FUQUR LOSES PANTS, AND DIGNITY

*Weekend Edition*

Sure, Yashur al Fuqur is an avid drinker. Certainly, his name is known around town as a first rate drinker of all varieties of beer and liquor. This wonder-lick child of Barry and Joanne Norton did not consider one thing when showing his friends how to booze one weekend: wine is a different kind of adversary.

All the boys; Rufus Feldmore, Otis Sanderson, Luther Brewster, Carrie Oakey, and Stamford "Patch" Branch, were out celebrating the one year anniversary of Yashur's victory in the "Punt, Pass, and Throw" competition. Fuqur was going to re-enter the competition but this year his mother took the reigns with a landslide victory, and per the rules, only one family member is allowed. So the fellows were all flocking to their local mid-day favorite joint; David Hammack's house, where Fuqur's fate took a tragic turn for the worse.

"It was as if one second he was rowdy, making fun of me because I only drank 23 beers in 2 hours and he had drank 2 whole handles of whiskey and then the next moment he was no where to be seen," recalled long time friend Otis Sanderson.

"It's all Feldmore's fault," recounts Oakey, "he peer pressured Fuqur into doing it."

"Give me a break, Fuqur needs peer pressure NOT to drink," exclaimed Luther Brewster. "It's not Feldmore's fault that he encouraged Yashur to try funneling an entire box of wine all by himself after drinking beer and whiskey!"

"I thought he could do anything! I thought he was the Michael Jordan of drinking! Turns out he's just the Mugsy Bogues," says sarcastic Stamford Branch.

"Who invited the grandpa?" stammered a completely nude Fuqur, still recovering from the night before. "I need a beer to get rid of this hangover. Wait, where's my pants?"

"Well, we had to strip you naked and put you in the bathtub last night." Explains Oakey.

"Good one, get me a beer." Retorted Fuqur.

"Um, Yahsur," says Branch, "you blacked out, ended up defecating yourself all over, and we had to strip you and throw out your pants. Why would you ever let yourself get so intoxicated that you poop yourself?! We all stayed up all night watching you, well, everyone except for Feldmore."

"Why didn't you help Rufus? Didn't want to see me nakey?" Says Yashur.

"I was stickin all night." Says Feldmore; cool, and casually.

"Whatever, I'd rather sh!t myself then have no hair." Says Fuqur, and immediately, he fell off his chair, spilled his beer all over him, and started laughing.

The scene was a smelly one, this is for sure. Maybe Fuqur will finally learn his lesson, maybe he will ease back on the alcohol, maybe he won't be such a lush, or at the very, very least, maybe he learned not to funnel wine after drinking whiskey and beer. Or maybe his friends need to have an intervention.

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong,
Associated Intern,
Carrie Oakey