MORNING AFTER

Downtown, Plattsburgh:
7:12 AM, 12/12/2008

Spotted: Yashur al Faqur just making his way out of Tabu Nightclub in downtown Plattsburgh. After a full night of shenanigans Yashur is finally making his trek back home. Right behind him, was facebook feline Jamie Strough.

"We had SUCH a good night together! His birthday was a blast! We went to Tabu since it was Ladies' Night so I got in for free, and it was open till 4 AM, just for a Faqur Birthday Special!" Exclaims the excited facebook stalker, "I can't wait until December 11th 2009!"

As Faqur sat down on the curb, obviously still extremely hammered from a long night of birthday drinks, a car rolled up to pick him up. It was a saint. It was Joanne Norton. What type of person has his mother pick him up at 7:15 in the morning after a night of drinking and gallivanting with young women? Yashur al Faqur does. He has no shame.

"Did you have a fun night Yashur?" Said the gorgeous angel.

"I feel so dehydrated, so sick, so dizzy, and I'm not sure what girl I hooked up with," explained Faqur, slurring, stumbling around, "and I feel like I'm about to die…..it was AWESOME!"

"Well that's nice," responded JoJo, "I'm glad you had fun."

When we brought this story to his friends, there wasn't enough time in the world to explain their hilarity with the scenario. "WHAT?! HE WENT TO TABU?!?! WITH WHO?!?!?! WHAT THE EPH!?!?!" screamed an excited Otis Sanderson, "I wish he would have invited me to Tabu so I could pick up all the under age broads there!"

"Why would I go to Tabu to pick up trashy young girls when I can go anywhere and pick up anyone I want?" Says the arrogant Rufus Feldmore, "What do you think his mom was doin' all night with an empty house since Yashur was gone?" He said with a wink, clearly insinuating he fornicated with Joanne Norton.

"I was going to go, but instead Oakey and I ordered pizza, got some chicken fingers, and played card games all night." Said long time friend Luther Brewster.

"Uh, that's not true, you were no where to be seen." Responded Oakey, full of confusion.

That's right, Luther was no where to be seen by Oakey because Luther was too busy hiding in corners and being creepy in Tabu that night. He preyed on young felines that were unknowingly vulnerable. Whenever a guy talked to one, as soon as that guy left to go buy them a drink, or turned around for a second, or went to the bathroom, this young buck to that doe to some other prairie.

When we confronted Branch with the story, he had no idea that any of his friends were even out the night before. "I was sleeping with the little boys out at camp." Said Branch, not realizing how much "Michael Jackson" he sounded.

Some birthdays are full of good memories with friends. But for Yashur al Faqur, memories are the last thing he has from any of this birthdays since he was 6, which is the age he started blacking out on his birthday evenings.

~Chief Staff Writer,
~Carrie Oakey