THE AMAZING RACE

Middle of Nowhere, Pacific Ocean:

As we all know, competition brings out the best, and often times the worst in people. They either are built to survive, or molded to self-destruct. It's fall or flight; and it's all thanks to our old friend Darwin.

Six good friends were chosen to take part in a special competition. It involved several different challenges, and the final winner would get a vacation of their choice and one million dollars! They were all taken onboard an airplane and not told to where they were going, only that it was in the Pacific Ocean. The special host of the competition was the one and only Carrie Underwood. They were given only a hundred dollars, their passports, and a credit card that could only be used for making airplane reservations. This race brought them to the original island they started on, the Grand Canyon, to Whistler (in British Columbia), to Belgium, to Cancun, to Ireland, and to Australia, where the challenge finished.

The eventual winner, Rufus Feldmore recounts how it all went down, "We were in a race? For money? I thought it was just a competition to bag as many girls on as many different continents as possible. I got 37…" he said with a smirk, "then we left the island and Grand Canyon and I got about 45 snow bunnies at Whistler. They're my favorite." Feldmore said, slyly trying to convince us all that he doesn't have any STD's, "God, you don't even want to know my Cancun number, it'll make you sick! Let's just say the number's higher than the number of drinks Yashur al Faqur has had in his lifetime!"

Speaking of Yashur, he was in the lead at one point. He was whipping the competition…..until they went to Ireland. During one of the more intense parts of the competition he was in need of some water, as it was during the hot summer days, and all he could find was a local pub. As soon as he entered, he felt home. Soon thereafter, he inhaled shots of whiskey and never left. He's currently in the Dublin City Hospital after just having his stomach pumped. He should recover fully. His blood level was so dehydrated of water they couldn't immediately hydrate him. When they tried to give him an IV his body rejected it, so they had to mix water with more alcohol to slowly turn him onto the water.

"That's garbage, I should have won!" Said the dejected Otis Sanderson, "It's not my fault I can't read a map!" Otis was doing alright in the competition up until Belgium. He got lost there, which is very sad considering he lived there for a year. "It's not like I traveled around or anything. I played baseball, hit bitties, and ate Pringles."

Otis's brother, Luther, also found the competition to hard to handle. "No one said there would be swimming!" He said angrily. Poor Luther was all pumped for the competition, and the VERY first challenge was to swim 100 yards to a float in the ocean. Luther made it there okay, but then he spent the next 2 hours sitting on the sidelines, feeling nauseous and not willing to move at all. We have pictures to prove it. "If you show those pictures, I'll kill you Ms. Oakey!" He yelled at me, pointing at me with his hideous and creepy ruler-length fingers, nearly poking my eye out.

Carrie Oakey was also in the competition. Although his heart was not fully in it, he was right in the middle of the pack. He was subtle, never made too much noise and managed to come in 2nd place. He played the devil's advocate in the challenge, always turning other competitors against each other, and always just saying inappropriate remarks to anyone within ear range; even strangers. "I didn't really care what the others were doing. I banked on Faqur copping out in Ireland, I mean, come on, that's a given. I thought Luther was my biggest competition," explained Oakey, "but he turned out to be soft, not giving his all."

"That's what Teresa said!" shouted Otis Sanderson.

Coming in dead last, not even making it off the island at all, was Stamford "Patch" Branch. It wasn't because he lacked heart, we all know he's #1 when it comes to intensity and passion, just ask the floors he's yelled at. It's not because he was too embarrassed to be in a competition, just ask all of the vacuums he's screamed into on top of tables. It's because his heart was somewhere else. It was right there on that island with Carrie Underwood. Patch did not want to leave the presence of the love of his life. He sacrificed one million dollars and a vacation to simply stare at Carrie Underwood. He never had the gonads to talk to her, he was too scared of fainting. He simply followed her around. When asked, he responded, "Yeah, we hung out a couple times, she was really cool. She wasn't overbearing or thinking she was too cool or anything."

"Um, I thought he was part of the crew, until at night I saw him peeping in the window. I had to call the cops," says Underwood, "we talked and I just didn't press charges, but I did get a restraining order."

There you have it. Darwin was right. Some are made to survive and succeed; some have this killer instinct, some are born with the body of a Greek god and the charm and charisma to do anything they want; even if that "everything" is every girl they see. Rufus Feldmroe walked away with one million dollars, a vacation for two to anywhere he wants, and Chlamydia.

**Break it down for me fellas,
**Chief Staff Writer,
**Carrie Oakey