FELDMORE'S REPUGNANCE FOR MEGAN'S LAW

Quahog, Rhode Island:
We all have an eerie secret about us. We all have something we are hiding from people we know. Maybe it's because we're embarrassed, self-conscious, nervous, or repulsed by something we've done. We've all had the "fat girl" morning after feeling. We all hope no one, especially our friends, saw us go home with that mammoth of a person the night before. Others have different types of enigmas.

I talk about stocks and school. Luther Brewster talks about Gossip Girl and the Yankees. Otis Sanderson talks about minor league baseball and how hot old women golfers are. Stamford "Patch" Branch talks about his muster sessions. Not Rufus Feldmore, he takes it to a new level. He talks about sex offenders. Why are you so interested in this Megan's Law Rufus? Is someone trying to cover their steps? Is someone trying to bury the hatchet?

"It was hilarious, it was all of us…Feldmore, Branch, Luther Brewster, Oakey and I hanging out," explains Otis Sanderson, "and when the cops showed up to take away the sex offender, they immediately put Patch in the car."

"What the hell?!" Yells Patch, "I didn't do anything! I was here just to mmmmuuusssttteeerrr" he says excitedly.

The cop yelled back, "CALM DOWN SIR. YOU ARE THE SEX OFFENDER, YOU FIT ALL OF THE PHYSICAL CRITERIA OF A STAGE 1 OVER-THE-TOP-I-HIDE-IN-LITTLE-BOYS-CLOSETS SEX OFFENDER. You're the type that looks like the "soothing father figure" with your receding hairline and molester ‘stache that think you can coddle young children. And you even go over-board and attempt to become a school counselor, you sick perv!"

At the scene, once all of the guys stopped crying out of pure laughter, they felt obligated to tell the officer that they had the wrong guy. "Well, we're looking for a Rufus Charles Feldmore," explained the officer.

Flabbergasted, the group gasped in awe. "That's impossible, Feldmore gets more chicks than all of us combined. He gets more @$$ than a toilet seat." Explained long time friend Luther Brewster.

"Um, how did you find out?" Asks a befuddled Rufus Feldmore.

"You never registered with us, which is Megan's Law," explained the officer.

"Where's Megan's bra?" says an inebriated Yashur al Fuqur. "I want to see this bra you're all flapping your gums about," mutters Fuqur as he sips his morning "coffee."

"Sir, are you okay?" asked the officer to Fuqur.

"YOU'RE OKAY!" jolted Fuqur, as he laughs whole-heartedly as if he said the funniest thing in the world.

As all of the friends stood there perplexed, they couldn't come to a sane conclusion as to what happened. So they simply asked. "Feldie, what happened? We'll still be your friends." Said the creepy school counselor who acts like Mr. Herbert from Family Guy.

"Well, I hooked up with Jenny from Gossip Girl." Says Feldmore, "And she's 15."

The boys were astonished. They thought he was weird when they first heard the sex offender news, now, instead, they were all purely jealous. Somehow, Rufus Feldmore managed to turn from a registered sex offender, to the envy of all of his friends within seconds.

"I would!" yelled Otis Sanderson.


So as the cops drove off with Rufus Feldmore and Yashur al Fuqur (for open container and public drunkenness at 10:43 AM on a Wednesday), the friends were on their way to bail out Feldmore. They decided they'd leave Yashur in the drunk tank.


Rufus Feldmore is more than just a friend. He's the epitome of a good man, with good intentions, he's the wonder-lick child from Tom Miller Road, he's the captain of the hockey team, the Italian heart throb, the body of a Greek god, the envy of all of his friends, and the cherry popper of a gorgeous 15 year old girl.

Associated Press Substitute,
Carrie Oakey