New York City (AP): There has been word that a certain guest will be arriving in New York City on the evening of November 14, 2008. In response, the bars have stocked up on beer, bourbon, and top shelf liquors, and trucks will be bringing refills in around midnight. Local hotels have been notified, and additional rooms have become available for outside guests who will be pouring in from all over the world to see the historic guest. In fact, Manhattan residents have offered to rent out their spare bedrooms for a steep price, but out-of-towners are willing to pay whatever it will take to see the man of honor. His name is Congelosi. ChrimpsthP Congelosi.
Only few have actually seen it, but many have heard. I’m talking about his move…his famous dance move. It’s been imitated, copied, duplicated, but none, not one single remake, can compare to the real thing. The real thing is the ChrimpsthP Congelosi Back It Up move. You know, the one where he reads from the pamphlet as he's backing his sweet rear into the lap of participating and non-participating ladies.
“It’s incredible! I’ve never in my life seen anything like it. I’ve tried it myself, but it just didn’t get the reaction and attention that the actual move gets,” declares long time friend Matt “Scissors” Rivers. “Normally, after a decent night, I'll catch ChrimpsthP giving out autographs to his fans. And that's just a decent night. You can imagine what he gives his fans on a great night!”
“It’s true. He backed it up last weekend on my Grandma. Ma had no idea what hit her,” replies Haley Trombley. “It was hysterical! In fact, I got a call from Poppi this morning and apparently she tried backing it up on him last night! That move is spreading like wildfire. I can’t wait to see the actual thing tonight.” And you will see it, and you will be honored, because it’s a privilege to cut rug with the King of All Cutters, ChrimpsthP “Jack knife” Congelosi.
“The whole city of Plattsburgh goes out on Friday nights hoping to witness it,” states his older brother, Joseph “CongoMan” Congelosi III. “I am a bouncer at the Monopole, and on nights when Chris goes out, my work is over doubled. I’m tossing people left and right,” shouts CongoMan, all revved up. “Yeah, last weekend, I saw him toss 6 guys twice his size,” replies Ryan McMartin, friend of the Congelosies.
“I don’t doubt it for a second,” says Mike Rivers, fellow buddy of the brothers Congo. “Joe was a phenomenal linebacker in high school. He could really hit people. He hit real hard, and the whistle couldn’t even stop him. I saw this underage girl, couldn't have been more than 90-92 pounds, trying to get into his bar once, and Joe just flat out leveled her, denying her access to the bar and entitling her to a free ambulance ride and admittance to the hospital."
The arrival time of ChrimpsthP and gang into the city is 6pm, and it’s been said that he will bust out his first move in Tonic at 12:28am, allowing for ample pre-gaming time. The bars will certainly be packed, so onlookers should get there early. "I know we'll get in on time. I mean, I AM a bouncer," re-states CongoMan, who thinks just walking up to his bouncer brethren will allow him a free pass. Chances are, it won't. But ChrimpsthP is sure to get his Brew Crew in on time.
“No, I don’t consider myself a celebrity,” admits a modest ChrimpsthP. “I’m just lookin’ to go out and drink and maybe do a little cuttin.’ I’m more focused on my drinking,” he says with a slight chuckle, as he sips his Brew. “I’m gonna drink so much they better have a hospital bed with my name on it,” he jokes.
It was later reported that he wasn’t joking when he said that. In fact, precautious funeral arrangements were made just in case.
Associated Press Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson
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