SWEET COGNAC

Caribbean Sea (AP): Many families were out enjoying a nice, relaxing cruise for their break away from school and work. Many elderly couples were having an anniversary party. Many newlyweds, a honeymoon. Many children, a first time vacation. To the Brew Crew, originally from Plattsburgh, it was a train wreck…but in a great way!

While children were swimming in the pool, overachievers were running around the track, elderly couplers were looking out towards sea in their binoculars, middle-class workers were relaxing and taking in some sun, and Randy was gambling, five college-aged studs were taking in mass consumptions of alcohol, preparing for their huge concert that evening. “I can’t sing with a dry throat!” exclaimed lead singer Otis Sanderson. “Yeah, we were getting in the mix,” added long time friend, Stamford Branch.

Meanwhile, Carrie Oakey and Luther Brewster were creeping down to the pool looking to pick up some shorties with low expectations. “I wanted to find a charmer, and so I decided to use charm itself, so I brought Carrie along with me,” explains Luther Brewster. “I didn’t know what he wanted, I just went for a walk with him,” says Carrie Oakey, innocently. At this time, Yashur al Fuqur was unavailable for interview, as he was already passed out drunk on the balcony, despite it being the first day of the cruise.

It’s the first night of the cruise, so it makes perfect sense for Princess Cruises to book its best band to sing karaoke right off the bat. After a few poor performances from rookies and has-beens, the crowd started pouring in to see what all the noise was. And that’s when the show started to light up. The group, formerly known as Austin From Boston, AFB for short, took the stage and ran a phenomenal, unprecedented version of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.” Needless to say, the crowd loved it. They stood for an ovation, and demanded an encore the following night, which they were sure to get.

Sure enough, Austin From Boston bedazzled the even more crowded audience with “I Wanna Dance With Somebody!” By this time, all members of AFB were gaining rapid fame among the excited fans of all ages. “I was just walking down the hall and this young kid came up to me and said, ‘Mom, it’s him! It’s Austin from Austin From Boston!’ I signed his shirt, and it made his day!” exclaims Stamford “Patch” Branch. “Yeah, it was so sweet!” states Luther Brewster, tenor of the group. “Those two girls we were talking to by the pool want us to play card games with them! They must have seen us in concert and realized that we weren’t just creepy guys trying to hit,” he says with a smirk and a wink.

On his way back from the stage after Sweet Caroline, Otis Sanderson was stopped by a family from Texas. “We love your hat,” they said, and invited him to sit with them for a drink. “They loved our song,” Sanderson tells. “And they loved my hat! They nicknamed me ‘Tweeter’ from Varsity Blues, and they want us to hang out with them too!” As one can tell, AFB was a huge hit, and many of the fans were requesting face time with the band, wanting to share drinks, play games, and get autographs. Once again, Fuqur declined interview as he headed straight from the stage to the bar, and ordered drink upon drink.

On the third night, still feeling a bit hungover, or even still drunk if your name is Fuqur, the group was having a nice playing some card games while watching the other singers perform, trying to live up to the bar set by AFB. Lead singer Sanderson was “iffy” about performing for a third night in a row. Cute icon Oakey had other feelings. “It was AMAZING! I bought him a shot of Cognac, cuz I know that gets him going, even though he can’t stand the stuff,” says Oakey. The shot just sat there for minutes upon minutes. Then, it suddenly disappeared. “He goes, ‘Oakey, this one’s for you,’ and he downed it right there!” cries an excited Stamford Branch. “Then, within a second, he got up and had to go puke,” Branch explains, who was so fired up that he bought the next round! “I Think We’re Alone Now” was just as big of a hit! After the third night’s show, Luther Brewster challenged an eight year old to a dance off, lost, then requested a slow dance song at Skywalker’s Night Club. “It says a lot about this upcoming group,” says an anonymous witness. “They take interest in kids, allow them to participate in concerts and events, they slow dance with fans…it’s a real classy bunch of guys.” Meanwhile, Sanderson is puking for the second straight night, and Fuqur is passed out on the dance floor. That witness obviously didn’t see the after-party.

And it wasn’t until the third night when the “C--shot heard ‘round the world” took place. Tenor Stamford Branch took one lucky fan back to his stateroom and got at it. Twice. After the group re-united at the Branch-Oakey stateroom, Fuqur, who was surprisingly still able to talk and walk, told Otis Sanderson to check the Pringles can, which he regrettably did. Sanderson, who was laughing so hard after trying to re-demonstrate Patch’s “Dino-dance,” checked it and yelled, “What? You guys hit?!?!?” And Branch simply replied, “Well I MUUUUUUUSTTAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”

Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson