FUQUR DECLINES PLAYOFFS FOR BREW

December 8, 2008
Plattsburgh, NY (AP): In the 2008 MLB Playoffs, Rocco Baldelli gave it his all and played, despite suffering from a neurological disorder causing muscle fatigue. Charlie Manuel was there managing his team, despite the loss of his mother just days before. A few years ago, Curt Schilling played despite a “torn ligament” in his heel/foot/I don’t know he probably made it up anyway and spray painted his sock red between innings. However, in the 2008 Plattsburgh Wiffleball Playoffs, Yashur al Fuqur will NOT be in attendance for Subject 2 Blackout’s first game. Lo and behold, he’ll be too drunk.

“It’s my birthday on Thursday, and it’s the last day of finals for me. Of course I’ll be wasted,” says an already belligerent Yashur al Fuqur. “Besides, it’s expected of me to be drunk…it’s a Thursday!”

“Well, I guess we can’t fault him,” explains sweet stateroom mate and sweet teammate Otis Sanderson. “He did give us plenty of notice. He told us three weeks ago that he wouldn’t be able to make it on the 11th of December. I guess behind his slurs there’s some responsibility too. Some people just don’t show up to games. At least he gave us ample warning that he was choosing Brew over a playoff game.”

“Gee, I didn’t see that coming,” snarls long time friend, Luther Brewster. “If it’s ANYBODY’S birthday, I would expect him to skip a game to go drink. It’s the perfect excuse, whether he knows the person or not. I recall a day last year where it was a kid in his biology class’ birthday, a kid he had never met before, but he still went out celebrating that night. I know it was just an excuse to get drunk, but hey, he made a new friend. Cheers to Yashur.”

“He used to do that in high school,” says a disgruntled Carrie Oakey. “Our freshman year, a few seniors were having a party cuz it was one of their birthdays, and neither of us knew any of the seniors, but I called Yashur after school to see if he wanted to hang out, and he told me he was going to a party. He didn’t tell me what party he was going to, so I figured it was a relative’s birthday or something, but a few days later, sure enough, I saw some pictures of that party posted around school, and there was Jeff passed out on the floor in the background.”

“This is why we never won a championship when I was on Subject 2 Blackout!” cries Stamford "Patch" Branch. “No one ever showed up, and nobody gave a darn. The other teams used to whiz all over us. If I was in charge, we’d have team practices, full team rosters with everyone expected to be there on game days, and be there early not just on time. I’d ever give everyone an envelope with important information like phone numbers, a phone tree, a schedule, and anything else. And I’d have it folded perfectly so that just your name was showing when you opened the envelope up.”

“No wonder the kid never gets any snapper,” laughed pimp Rufus Feldmore. “He’s a wiffleball player! Girls dig hockey players. They like a man who can hold a big stick in his hand and who can man up and take a slap shot to the throat. The ladies don’t care if you can hit a little plastic ball over a little cheap fence. They like men, not boys.”

Well, while Feldmore makes a great point, Yashur can still out-drink him. I don’t know if that necessarily a good thing or a bad thing amongst the ladies, but it’s certainly true. A chances are, Yashur can out-drink a camel, but again, is this good or bad? I mean, a camel wouldn’t be passed out in a bathtub with hot ladies around. He’d be licking his eyebrows, showing off his limber tongue.

Chief Staff Writer, Otis Terry Sanderson