Plattsburgh, NY (AP): It was the day he’s been waiting for for 365 days. Two years ago on this magical day, he slapped Randy Lozier across the face. Last year, he has no clue as to what happened. This year, again, he won’t know what will happen. But doesn’t this just seem too ordinary?
“I am so excited!” exclaims the birthday man himself. “I’m not gonna be able to walk, let alone play in my wiffleball game. I won’t be able to stand up straight past 5pm. I LOVE my birthday,” exclaims, while his hand slips off the wall he was leaning on in order to appear as if he could stand up, and he falls down.
“For some reason, I don’t see tomorrow as any rare or unusual night,” says long time friend Luther Brewster. “Yashur goes out EVERY night as if it’s his birthday, so why should tomorrow night be any different. He can’t possibly get more drunk than he did last weekend, or the weekend before, or the weekend before, or last night, or the night before.”
“Everyone gears up for a birthday, but I kind of feel bad for Yashur,” explains Carrie Oakey. “He’s all excited and thinks it’s going to be the best night, but we all know it’s going to be exactly like last weekend, and the one before that. It’s not anything special because it’s his birthday…I wish it would be, but when we try to feed him shots to get him drunk, he slams them like they’re water. I think his body is immune to liquor. He’s such a heavyweight.”
“This just means we’ll have to buy him even more drinks!” says an excited Stamford “Patch” Branch. “If it was my cute stateroom mate’s birthday, we could buy him ten drinks and he’d be to a drunken perfection, but for Faqur, it’ll take like 29-30 drinks for him to feel it.”
“That’s my sweet stateroom mate!” cries and excited, enthused, and ready to party, Otis Sanderson.
“I just don’t get it!” says a fired up Rufus Feldmore. “On my birthday, I’m trying to hit. I try to get as many shorties as I can, but that’s the perfect pick-up line. Chicks dig the birthday! But Yashur, he just tries to slam as many Brews as possible. He puts a perfect, one-time-a-year pick-up line to waste. Maybe I’ll steal his thunder and tell them all that it’s MY birthday,” he says with a smirk and a reassuring head nod.
Well, while Feldmore is pounding women, Sanderson, Brewster, Oakey, Branch, and many others will be feeding Faqur beers and shots all night long. Literally! Do you really think he’ll have enough coordination to bring his glass to his mouth without spilling? No. He’ll either need a straw or someone to hold his drink for him. Or even more realistically, he’ll probably already be passed out on the floor by the time his friends get done work.
Chief Staff Writer, Otis T. Sanderson
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